My doves. My lambs. My exhausted little baby angels, bruised as though we’d all fallen down a ladder stretching from Heaven into the lowest fetid depths of Hell itself. What a terrible, terrible journey we’ve taken together, from the moment in June 2015 when Donald Trump, a ballot box stuffed with rotted meat, sailed down an escalator, into the presidential election, and lodged in my most ochre nightmares.
The only thing that even slightly numbed the pain of this horrific odyssey for the staff of Jezebel.com was making up descriptions of Donald Trump, ones that adequately suited his nightmare face, hideous personality, and repugnant beliefs. And now, we are tired. We are disillusioned. We have a persistent cluster headache and a scaly rash that won’t go away. But here, for your final perusing pleasure, is damn near every word we used to describe Trump during the million years he was running for office.
As you’ll see, 2015 is broken down by year, while 2016 becomes increasingly frantic and disorganized. That’s because it is — let’s be extremely real— a ragged list that I pulled together over the last few days, pausing occasionally to drink gin and cry at my desk.
It’s fine. Somehow, we’re going to be fine. Unless we elect this Taki-colored shaved baboon and then we are not fine at all.
2015
January
February-May
June
• Four-time bankruptcy filer and seething hernia mass
July
• Fart-infused lump of raw meat
August
• Human equivalent of cargo pants that zip away into shorts
September
• Not in any way sexist, you bimbos
• Future leader of the free world
October
• The class clown that everyone wishes would be quiet and let the class learn
• The person still inexplicably leading the Republican presidential primary
• Wax museum figure on a very hot day
• Your next president and ruler for life
• A brightly burning trash fire
November
• Enlarged pee-splattered Sno Cone
• Empty popcorn bag rotting in the sun
• Man-shaped asbestos insulation board
• Hair plug swollen with rancid egg whites
• Dusty barrel of fermented peepee
• Usually reasonable burlap sack full of rancid Peeps
• Presidential candidate and bargain bin full of yellowing Jean-Claude Van Damme movies
• Normal-looking human man and entirely credible choice as future leader of the free world
• Decomposing pumpkin pie inhabited by vicious albino squirrels
• A dishrag that on closer inspection is alive with maggots
• Lead paint factory explosion
• Candied yam riddled with moldy spider carcasses
December
• The shriveled pinto bean you had to pluck out of your Chipotle burrito basket
• Human-sized infectious microbe
• Poorly-trained circus orangutan
• Chester Cheetah impersonator
• Lumbering human-like tardigrade
2016
This is where things veered out of control. I can’t list these by month because it will physically kill me. Here, instead, is a numbered list.
- Seagull dipped in tikka masala
- Bursting landfill of municipal solid waste
- Mountain of rotting whale blubber
- Sputum-filled Orange Julius
- Gangrenous gaping wound
- Racist, sexist block of aged Cheddar
- Oversized wasp exoskeleton stuffed with old mustard
- Neo-fascist real estate golem
- Abandoned roadside ham hock
- Bewildered, golden-helmeted astronaut who’s just landed on this planet from a distant galaxy
- Monument to human hubris crafted out of rotting Spam
- A walking pile of reanimated roadkill
- Heaving carcass
- Stately hot dog casing
- Flatulent leather couch
- Swollen earthworm gizzard
- Narcissistic bowl of rotten gazpacho
- Yellowing hunk of masticated gristle
- A human/Komodo dragon hybrid
- Blackening scab artfully hiding in your Raisin Bran
- “Taco truck”
- A man who could one day become the first hobgoblin to enter the White House
- A pair of chapped lips superglued to a hairball
- Horsehair mattress stuffed with molding copies of Hustler
- Malignant corn chip
- Human Kinder Egg whose inner surprise is a tiny pebble of rat shit
- The sculpture your three-year-old made out of soggy ground-up goldfish snacks
- A man with the hair of a radioactive skunk
- Roiling Cheez Whiz mass
- Cryogenically frozen bog man
- A glistening, shouting gristle mass with a history of saying terrible and stupid things
- Screaming giant cheese wedge
- Republican frontrunner and 250-pound accumulation of rancid beef
- Day-Glo roadside billboard about jock itch
- Temperamental gelatinous sponge
- Sentient hate-balloon
- A Rumpelstiltskin inflated with a bike pump and filled with bacteria
- Sun-kissed ass plug
- Self-tanning enthusiast
- An enraged, bewigged fetus blown up to nightmarish size
- Parental pile of burnt organic material
- Human-shaped wad of Gak
- Walking irradiated tumor
- Uncooked chicken breast
- KKK rally port-a-potty holding tank
- Neon-tinted hellion
- A plentiful field of dung piled into the shape of a presidential candidate
- Malfunctioning wind turbine
- Seeping fleabag
- Sloshing styrofoam takeout container filled with three-day-old mac and cheese
- A sticky, grabby, Cheeto-hued toddler with no sense of adult deportment
- Figurative rubber, and also literal rubber
- A carnivorous plant watered with irradiated bat urine
- Sentient waste disposal plant
- A disappointment
- Poorly-drawn fascist
- Racist teratoma
- Lamprey eel spray-painted gold
- A hair that you pluck, causing a cluster of hairs to sprout in its place
- Sunken, corroding soufflé
- Nacho cheese golem
- Undead tangerine
- A cartoon representation of Irritable Bowel Syndrome in a pharmaceutical ad
- Fossilized meatball
- Horking mole-creature suffering from radioactive spray-tan
- Tattered Craigslist sofa
- A full-grown Monopoly dog carefully balancing a spongecake atop his head
- Play-Doh factory explosion
- A new superfood made of finely-ground clown wigs
- Unkempt troll doll found floating facedown in a tub of rancid Beluga caviar
- Melting orange popsicle
- A dangerous and stupid bigot who I do not have the heart to give a silly nickname to right now
- A desiccated, hollowed-out pumpkin stuffed with wasps
- A rusted refrigerator left out in the sun until its contents rot and swell into one noxious, congealed mass
- A regurgitated wombat
- Moldy pumpkin spice latte
- A tax-avoidant opossum testicle dead-set on becoming president
- Shrieking carbuncle in a red power tie
- A Chipotle burrito taken to its natural, digested conclusion
- Evil toddler and our Republican presidential nominee
- A clump of moldering drain hair
- An inflated pig stomach full of rotten pierogi
- Flatulent butternut squash
- One putrescent orange marshmallow
- A sentient pile of dirty sheets covered in poop
- Pilonidal cyst
- Sexist sentient carrot
- An abandoned cruise ship full of people afflicted with the Noro virus
- A jack-o’-lantern that at least ten people have been using as a toilet
- Bruised yam
- Flaming sack of shit
- Overflowing litter box
- A repugnant pile of fetid horse shit
- Shaved bear
- Demonic, racist goldfish
- Everyone’s least favorite Republican presidential candidate/rotting jack-o’-lantern
- The embodiment of a long and thunderous fart in a stalled elevator
- Rancid Halloween Oreo filling
- Rage-addled Oompa Loompa
- Rotten tanner-saturated gourd
- Man-sized ass cyst
- Your shitty racist uncle
- A wizened ogre of a man with a mouth like an anus
- Bewigged swollen gall bladder
- A wheezing Blurrg from Endor’s forest moon
- Trumpelstiltskin (whose gift is turning billions of dollars into air molecules)
- Inflamed carbuncle
- A face like a rusted manhole cover, hair that legally qualifies as a fire hazard, and the diet of Templeton the rat
- A soggy cracker spread with spoiled shrimp compote
- Amphibious
- Noted chode
- An industrial-sized wastebasket in a clip-on tie
- Impacted molar
- A bag of hot garbage moldering in the summer sun
- A dry creek bed mysteriously studded with dog turds
- A haunted bidet
- A yellowing mop dripping with an unidentifiable, viscous fluid
- Anthropomorphic lie
- A rooster who wandered into the house and has to be restrained beneath a metal wastebasket
- The political equivalent of one of those mutant factory farm chickens with breasts so big it can’t walk
- Spray-tanned blobfish
- The human equivalent to a hideously oppressive smell with no known provenance
- A parking cone with emotional issues
- Moldy prawn burrito
- Gelatinous heap
- A horrible man with hair like used dental floss and ideas that threaten the definition of democracy as we know it
- A hexed tub of Velveeta that’s been brought to life and won’t stop screaming racist insults from inside your kitchen cabinet
- A scabies outbreak in your freshman dormitory
- Fetid pooh-face
- Floppy sack of rancid chicken fat
- Self tanner-soaked Whoopee cushion
- A cicada husk dipped in fermenting carrot soup
- Fire ant infestation with too many resources
- A cirrhotic cheetah liver dusted in gold leaf
- Walking staph infection
- Large orange baby
- A sociopathic golem whose mouth puckers like an anus
- Serial woman-cherisher
- Besuited Chucky doll
- Objectively horrible person
- Toxic algae bloom
- Noted orangémon
- A man whose head firmly resembles a lone radioactive testicle sealed in a jar of formaldehyde
- The contents of a dumpster behind a Roll N Roaster
- Doritos Spicy Asbestos Flavor
- A snot-flavored Jelly Bean gaining a frightening amount of power and influence
- Malformed traffic cone
- Decaying, hollowed-out tree trunk that is now housing a family of malnourished, furious possums
- An enlarged brick of spittle-flecked Crisco sliding headlong towards the White House
- Our favorite fascist wad of upchucked puréed carrots
- Gold-tipped mucus plug
- Melted Claymation villain
- Unwashed fumigation tent
- What happens when a GOP-leaning member of mutant gang in The Hills Have Eyes has a wet dream
- An eggroll to which someone has wastefully glued a hairpiece
- One of those piles of sand by a highway
- A golden goose so loved by God he was transformed into a human man, only the Lord got tired midway through and paused for rest, never to resume
- Moldering Cheez-It
- A hunk of beef jerky that rolls under the couch and is left there to harden, becoming covered in dust and cat hair until a cockroach takes it back to its lair and makes it his wife
- Actually three bigoted baby Muppets stacked on top of one another
- Half-melted pile of candy corn from Halloween ‘83
- An angry ghost
- Giant mound of hardened Cheez Whiz
- A smushed up caterpillar your 6-year-old brother set on fire with a magnifying glass
- Rotten kabocha squash
This is our proudest and most monstrous achievement, and we thank you for being a part of it.