Donald Trump, GOP presidential candidate and fart-infused lump of raw meat, espouses all manner of opinions on rape, particularly regarding its supposed perpetrators. But he vehemently denies accusations that he sexually assaultedā€”perhaps rapedā€”his now ex-wife, Ivana Trump.

According to The Daily Beast, Ivana Trump originally used the term ā€œrapeā€ to describe a vicious encounter with her ex-husband that took place in 1989. She has since tempered her language and issued the followingā€”albeit ellipticalā€”statement:

ā€œ[On] one occasion during 1989, Mr. Trump and I had marital relations in which he behaved very differently toward me than he had during our marriage. As a woman, I felt violated, as the love and tenderness, which he normally exhibited towards me, was absent. I referred to this as a ā€˜rape,ā€™ but I do not want my words to be interpreted in a literal or criminal sense.ā€

In his book, Lost Tycoon: The Many Lives of Donald J. Trump, Harry Hurt III chronicles a ferocious assault in which Trump forcibly penetrates his wife after ā€œ[pulling] out fistfuls of hair from her scalp.ā€ Ivana Trumpā€™s statement appears at the start of Hurtā€™s book, but it was issued by Trump and his lawyers. The details, however murky, do not shine a favorable light on Mr. Trump.

But Michael Cohen, special counsel at The Trump Organization, sees no room for discussion: ā€œYou cannot rape your spouse,ā€ he declares confidently, ā€œAnd thereā€™s very clear case law.ā€

Ah Michael, you are so wrong. Perhaps you refer to New Yorkā€™s ā€œmarital rape exemption,ā€ which has been mercifully obsolete since 1984. So if you do, you are gloriously out of touch...and still wrong.

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In light of this glorious fuck up, editor of ThinkProgress Judd Legum suggests the following:

I would venture to say that Trump needs many things, and I wonā€™t offend you by listing them here. Weā€™ll just be generous and stick to the lawyer.

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Contact the author at rachel.vorona.cote@jezebel.com.

Image via Getty. Embedded Image via Twitter.