The 30 Most-Read, Beautiful, and Fearsome Jezebel Stories of 2019
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As ever, the Jezebel staff worked tirelessly in 2019 to bring you, the dear readers, blogs of note and consequence. There were many written, but only some were read the most. These are your favorites, please enjoy.
1. “Keto Crotch” Might Be the Strongest Argument for Eating Carbs Yet
Eat some bread lest your box get stank!
2. Join Me in Closely Observing Melania’s Face While President Trump Got Booed at the World Series
Engage in the Melania Trump Fake Smile challenge and see if you can maintain a grim rictus of complacency for longer than 30 seconds!
3. Melania Trump’s Friend Reportedly Told Her “Be Best” Sounded Illiterate
At least someone is in Melania’s corner…?
4. All Your Favorite Shows Are Probably Leaving Netflix
It’s time to embrace Quibi as your master.
5. Trouble in the House of Windsor
Quiet whispers of Prince William maybe cheating on Kate Middleton was the start of a no good, very bad year for the fancy people in the palace.
6. Kristin Cavallari Says Jay Cutler Unclogged Her Milk Ducts by ‘Sucking Harder Than He’s Ever Sucked’
Not sure what else to say about this one!
7. Female Shark in Seoul Aquarium Eats Male Shark Because He Keeps Bumping Into Her
An oldie but a goodie.
8. Kristen Stewart Was Told If She Stopped Holding Her Girlfriend’s Hand in Public, She ‘Might Get a Marvel Movie’
OK, boomer!!!
9. A Message From Cardi B’s Former History Teacher
“I went to college for this shit,” she said. “It really gets me upset when people be like, oh, you’re dumb. I’m not dumb at this shit!”
10. Aunt Becky Really, Really, Really, Really Doesn’t Want to Go to Jail
Here’s her first appearance in this list, but certainly not her last.
11. The Ukrainian Orphan Who Is Actually Maybe an Adult Has Been Found in Indiana
In a year of riveting, salacious tales from the tabs, this one truly had everything.
12. Pauley Perrette Says She’s ‘Terrified’ of NCIS Star Mark Harmon, Alleges Physical Assault
“NO I AM NOT COMING BACK! EVER! (Please stop asking?) I am terrified of Harmon and him attacking me,” the tweet said. “I have nightmares about it.”
13. Gwyneth Paltrow Doesn’t Know Who Fellow Avenger Sebastian Stan Is
Sorry to that man.
14. Olivia Jade Won’t Return Aunt Becky’s Phone Calls
Enter Olivia Jade, Aunt Becky’s favorite YouTuber.
15. This Is What Happens When You Chose the Guy Who Has the Girlfriend Back Home
When the world crumbles and the cockroaches are our only friends, the Bachelorette will still be on television.
16. Melania Betrayed—Again!
The girl can’t catch a break!
17. Elizabeth Holmes’s Fake Voice Is Actually Just ‘Stupid Man’ Voice
“It is the voice—indignant, coming straight from the back of the throat—of a man saying: I don’t know Chad, why don’t you clean out the protein shake blender this time. It’s a voice that tells you: I was reading about Medicare for All on Reddit and actually learned a lot about how current prescription drug costs fund medical innovation.”
18. Khloé Kardashian Is Finally Putting the Blame on Tristan Thompson, Where It Belongs
This cheating scandal seems like it happened roughly in the Ice Age, but that’s not true. It was riveting! And Tristan Thompson is an asshole.
19. Crazy Rich Asians Co-Writer Left Sequel After Learning White Male Colleague Earned Around 10 Times Her Salary
Ah, pay inequality. Still happening? Cool.
20. Steven Tyler, Who Once Adopted and Impregnated a Teenager, Opens Facility for Abused Girls
“Then, as now, Tyler emphasized the influence rehab had on his decision to open these facilities. In doing so, Tyler identifies himself with those who endure and observe trauma, not those who inflict it.”
21. Well, Here Are Some Dirty Texts Allegedly From Jeff Bezos to Lauren Sanchez…
Being called an “alive girl” ranks pretty low on the list of horned-up eroticisms, somewhere above “Are you still on your period?” and below “Should we do this or nah?” Bezos, do better. God!
22. Parents Accused of Abandoning Their 9-Year-Old Child Say She Was Actually a Fully-Grown, Mentally Unwell Adult
The Orphan is real?
23. Netflix Hangs Old Navy Out to Dry In Queer Eye Whitewashing Scandal
America’s favorite self-improvement gurus had no idea that they were unwittingly complicit in a whitewashing scandal. Yikes.
24. Jagged Little Pill Is Actually Very Bad???
The truth hurts.
25. Invalidating the Fairy Tale
“Harry and Meghan, even as you see them visibly struggling to live in the glare of overwhelming media attention, are still basically a fairy tale about two noble lovers facing adversity. Andrew represents the complete invalidation of the fairy tale, and it seems like nobody is ready for that.”
26. How to Make Your Vagina Taste Awesome
As long as the internet exists, this blog from 2012 will continue to make its way to a new audience every year.
27. Is It a Slow News Day, or Did Kylie Jenner Secretly Announce Her Pregnancy in an Instagram Story?
Unfortunately, the answer is already in the headline, but you know, inquiring minds and all that.
28. The Last Popeyes Chicken Sandwich in America
Remember when everything was boring so America collectively lost their shit over a goddamn chicken sandwich?
29. Was La Toya Jackson Right About Her Family All Along?
We should have listened.
30. Pete Davidson Would Like Future Girlfriends to Know His Dick Really Isn’t That Big
Not surprised, champ!