Pete Davidson Would Like Future Girlfriends to Know His Dick Really Isn't That Big

Illustration for article titled Pete Davidson Would Like Future Girlfriends to Know His Dick Really Isn't That Big
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Pete Davidson has a big dick—this we know. What we do not know is whether his dick is Too big, Very big, Normal big, or Slightly big, and since all these labels tend to be subjective, one can never truly know the truth, unless one has the opportunity to personally meet said dick.


In a standup set on Saturday night, Davidson addressed his dick, which ex-girlfriend Ariana Grande previously classified as “like 10 inches” in a now-deleted tweet (10 inches objectively falls into “Very big” territory, FYI). Davidson fears Grande is setting up his future sex partners for some serious disappointment. “Why would she tell everyone that I have a huge penis?” he told the crowd at the Tarrytown Music Hall in New York, according to People. “So that every girl who sees my dick for the rest of my life is disappointed.”

It does seem like Grande genuinely believes Davidson is gifted in the dick department—indeed, in her “thank u, next” video, she even included a photo of Davidson in her Mean Girls Burn Book alongside the caption “HUUUUGE.” But Davidson doesn’t trust her judgment. “Everything is huge to her,” he said, during his set.

Davidson’s concern is understandable. Grande is very small, and so it makes sense that certain things therefore appear larger in comparison. But if it’s any consolation to Davidson, Grande and I are around the same height, and so I can confirm this one important fact: no matter how tiny you are as a person, you know a big dick when you see it. Anyway, please do not forward this blog post to my mother, thank u.



How About It, Torgo?

You guys, I just need to get this out.

About two weeks ago, I had a sex dream involving Pete Davidson; it was probably due in no small part to his constant media presence.

Guys, it was HOT. Not just from a horn-dog perspective. He was also a total white knight. Sir Pete saved me from my abusive family and abandoned his fame and fortune so we could be together forever. We skipped town, left behind our past lives and all of our material possessions, changed our names and lived happily ever after in a dilapidated trailer in some other state. It was strangely euphoric. Dead serious.

I woke up the next morning flushed with fever for Pete Davidson and spent the better of the next two days Googling him and alternately wondering just what in the Sam Hill Fuck was wrong with me...