Please try and keep your morning repast down, as it brings me no pleasure to share this news with you now. There appear to be dirty texts from divorcé bajillionaire Jeff Bezos that only prove that shiny, bald, rich motherfuckers don’t really know how to sext.
These texts were unearthed by the National Enquirer, so do what you will with that source. Personally, I don’t want to believe that these are real, but given the contents of said texts, I think they are?
In one message obtained by The Enquirer, on newsstands today, Bezos wrote: “I love you, alive girl. I will show you with my body, and my lips and my eyes, very soon.”
In another pillow talk exchange, on May 13, the horn-dog billionaire wrote: “I want to smell you, I want to breathe you in. I want to hold you tight.… I want to kiss your lips…. I love you. I am in love with you.”
The timestamp present on these messages also reportedly indicates that Bezos was creeping around with Lauren Sanchez for some time before the public announcement of his divorce, which, for the record, was only on Wednesday. I don’t care about when he started sending these pedestrian and wholly unexciting sexy messages to Lauren Sanchez, but I am concerned that they are so tame and also slightly distressed at how BAD they are??
“I love you, alive girl” is not a panty-dropper, and even less so when it comes from the dead-eyed, shiny-headed man as seen above. Being called an “alive girl” ranks pretty low on the list of horned-up eroticisms, somewhere above “Are you still on your period?” and below “Should we do this or nah?” Bezos, do better. God!
The love between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle appears to be genuine and real and pure. Also, even though Prince Harry wore a Nazi costume that one time, something tells me that he’s at least attempting to be a better man, as evidenced by this dribble of palace goss: It looks like Harry is taking personal responsibility for his pregnant wife’s public misery. That’s nice!!
Markle has been the subject of a lot of negative press and public criticism ever since marrying Harry. Her nightmare family pops out of the woodwork every few weeks to run their mouths; there’s tension between her and Kate Middleton that is either real or not real or a little bit of both. Also, she’s pregnant, and in the public eye, and I bet none of that is very fun, though it is the name of the game when you decide to marry a prince. Harry, the prince in question, recognizes this, and feels bad.
“Meghan made a huge sacrifice by moving across the pond, away from her mom and friends,” an “insider” told Us Weekly. “Marrying into the royal family isn’t anywhere near as glamourous as it seems, so in a lot of ways Harry feels responsible for Meghan being so miserable.”
Again, that’s nice for Harry to feel personally responsible for who he is and how it’s making his wife miserable. To soothe his troubled mind, I offer a mantra that I scream-whisper into a paper bag at night when I can’t sleep: Can everyone just....not?
- Not sure if you’re keeping up with the mess that is the cast of Southern Charm, but the hit-and-run Kathryn Dennis was allegedly involved in was caught on camera. [Page Six]
- Perhaps I have been gaslit into thinking that I care about these people, but maybe I clicked through this slideshow of “sexy” pics from Christina El Moussa and Ant Anstead’s Bora Bora honeymoon. [People]
- It feels okay that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban only had two children together instead of the 10 she might maybe have desired. [People]
- Jenna Jameson quit Twitter. [Page Six]
- The greatest love story of all time (Kendall Jenner and Ben Simmons) continues apace. [Us Weekly]