As ever, the Jezebel staff worked tirelessly in 2019 to bring you, the dear readers, blogs of note and consequence. There were many written, but only some were read the most. These are your favorites, please enjoy.
Eat some bread lest your box get stank!
Engage in the Melania Trump Fake Smile challenge and see if you can maintain a grim rictus of complacency for longer than 30 seconds!
At least someone is in Melania’s corner...?
It’s time to embrace Quibi as your master.
Quiet whispers of Prince William maybe cheating on Kate Middleton was the start of a no good, very bad year for the fancy people in the palace.
6. Kristin Cavallari Says Jay Cutler Unclogged Her Milk Ducts by ‘Sucking Harder Than He’s Ever Sucked’
Not sure what else to say about this one!
An oldie but a goodie.
8. Kristen Stewart Was Told If She Stopped Holding Her Girlfriend’s Hand in Public, She ‘Might Get a Marvel Movie’
“I went to college for this shit,” she said. “It really gets me upset when people be like, oh, you’re dumb. I’m not dumb at this shit!”
Here’s her first appearance in this list, but certainly not her last.
In a year of riveting, salacious tales from the tabs, this one truly had everything.
“NO I AM NOT COMING BACK! EVER! (Please stop asking?) I am terrified of Harmon and him attacking me,” the tweet said. “I have nightmares about it.”
Sorry to that man.
Enter Olivia Jade, Aunt Becky’s favorite YouTuber.
When the world crumbles and the cockroaches are our only friends, the Bachelorette will still be on television.
The girl can’t catch a break!
“It is the voice—indignant, coming straight from the back of the throat—of a man saying: I don’t know Chad, why don’t you clean out the protein shake blender this time. It’s a voice that tells you: I was reading about Medicare for All on Reddit and actually learned a lot about how current prescription drug costs fund medical innovation.”
This cheating scandal seems like it happened roughly in the Ice Age, but that’s not true. It was riveting! And Tristan Thompson is an asshole.
19. Crazy Rich Asians Co-Writer Left Sequel After Learning White Male Colleague Earned Around 10 Times Her Salary
Ah, pay inequality. Still happening? Cool.
“Then, as now, Tyler emphasized the influence rehab had on his decision to open these facilities. In doing so, Tyler identifies himself with those who endure and observe trauma, not those who inflict it.”
Being called an “alive girl” ranks pretty low on the list of horned-up eroticisms, somewhere above “Are you still on your period?” and below “Should we do this or nah?” Bezos, do better. God!
22. Parents Accused of Abandoning Their 9-Year-Old Child Say She Was Actually a Fully-Grown, Mentally Unwell Adult
The Orphan is real?
America’s favorite self-improvement gurus had no idea that they were unwittingly complicit in a whitewashing scandal. Yikes.
The truth hurts.
“Harry and Meghan, even as you see them visibly struggling to live in the glare of overwhelming media attention, are still basically a fairy tale about two noble lovers facing adversity. Andrew represents the complete invalidation of the fairy tale, and it seems like nobody is ready for that.”
As long as the internet exists, this blog from 2012 will continue to make its way to a new audience every year.
27. Is It a Slow News Day, or Did Kylie Jenner Secretly Announce Her Pregnancy in an Instagram Story?
Unfortunately, the answer is already in the headline, but you know, inquiring minds and all that.
Remember when everything was boring so America collectively lost their shit over a goddamn chicken sandwich?
We should have listened.
Not surprised, champ!