Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

In Honor of Donald Trump's 70th Birthday, Here Are 70 Ways Jezebel Has Described Donald Trump

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Wow, today is an auspicious day. Not only is June 14, 1940 the day that Nazi troops invaded Paris during World War II, it’s the day that—just six years later—Donald Trump, an exploded goose down pillow bathed in menstrual blood, would invade the United States.

70 years later, boy, what he has accomplished! He founded a now-folded steak company; a now-folded, fraudulent university; a now-folded airline, and fairly soon, he very well could become CEO of a folded country. (A fairytale about King Donald: everything he touches turns to fold!)

In honor of the man who wants to remove our First Amendment rights, we decided to embrace them wholeheartedly, while we still can, by publishing a list of 70 of Jezebel’s favorite Trump descriptions since the start of 2016.


Trump, while you might destroy America as you’ve destroyed essentially every business venture you’ve ever run, you’ve made us examine our own creativity, and realize that the best thesaurus is the thesaurus of the heart.

Happy birthday—you are a:

  1. Seagull dipped in tikka masala
  2. Bursting landfill of municipal solid waste
  3. Mountain of rotting whale blubber
  4. Sputum-filled Orange Julius
  5. Gangrenous gaping wound
  6. Racist, sexist block of aged Cheddar
  7. Oversized wasp exoskeleton stuffed with old mustard
  8. Neo-fascist real estate golem
  9. Abandoned roadside ham hock
  10. Bewildered, golden-helmeted astronaut who’s just landed on this planet from a distant galaxy
  11. Monument to human hubris crafted out of rotting Spam
  12. A walking pile of reanimated roadkill
  13. Heaving carcass
  14. Stately hot dog casing
  15. Flatulent leather couch
  16. Swollen earthworm gizzard
  17. Narcissistic bowl of rotten gazpacho
  18. Yellowing hunk of masticated gristle
  19. A human/Komodo dragon hybrid
  20. Blackening scab artfully hiding in your Raisin Bran
  21. “Taco truck”
  22. A man who could one day become the first hobgoblin to enter the White House
  23. A pair of chapped lips superglued to a hairball
  24. Horsehair mattress stuffed with molding copies of Hustler
  25. Malignant corn chip
  26. Human Kinder Egg whose inner surprise is a tiny pebble of rat shit
  27. The sculpture your three-year-old made out of soggy ground-up goldfish snacks
  28. A man with the hair of a radioactive skunk
  29. Roiling Cheez Whiz mass
  30. Cryogenically frozen bog man
  31. A glistening, shouting gristle mass with a history of saying terrible and stupid things
  32. Screaming giant cheese wedge
  33. Republican frontrunner and 250-pound accumulation of rancid beef
  34. Day-Glo roadside billboard about jock itch
  35. Temperamental gelatinous sponge
  36. Sentient hate-balloon
  37. A Rumpelstiltskin inflated with a bike pump and filled with bacteria
  38. Sun-kissed ass plug
  39. Self-tanning enthusiast
  40. An enraged, bewigged fetus blown up to nightmarish size
  41. Parental pile of burnt organic material
  42. Human-shaped wad of Gak
  43. Walking irradiated tumor
  44. Uncooked chicken breast
  45. KKK rally port-a-potty holding tank
  46. Neon-tinted hellion
  47. A plentiful field of dung piled into the shape of a presidential candidate
  48. Malfunctioning wind turbine
  49. Seeping fleabag
  50. Sloshing styrofoam takeout container filled with three-day-old mac and cheese
  51. A sticky, grabby, Cheeto-hued toddler with no sense of adult deportment
  52. Figurative rubber, and also literal rubber
  53. A carnivorous plant watered with irradiated bat urine
  54. Sentient waste disposal plant
  55. A disappointment
  56. Poorly-drawn fascist
  57. Racist teratoma
  58. Lamprey eel spray-painted gold
  59. A hair that you pluck, causing a cluster of hairs to sprout in its place
  60. Sunken, corroding soufflé
  61. Nacho cheese golem
  62. Undead tangerine
  63. A cartoon representation of Irritable Bowel Syndrome in a pharmaceutical ad
  64. Fossilized meatball
  65. Horking mole-creature suffering from radioactive spray-tan
  66. Tattered Craigslist sofa
  67. A full-grown Monopoly dog carefully balancing a spongecake atop his head
  68. Play-Doh factory explosion
  69. A new superfood made of finely-ground clown wigs
  70. Unkempt troll doll found floating facedown in a tub of rancid Beluga caviar

Image via Getty.