Who Keeps the Pig? And 4 More Questions I Have for a Post-GRANDSON World

As I stumble blindly through the apocalyptic wasteland that is the world mere hours after the alleged end of Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande’s engagement, I can’t help but have a few questions about the state of things moving forward.

Lest you think this is a just an attempt to make jokes about a doomed celebrity couple, note that it is actually an opportunity to meditate on the entanglements we create when we try to intertwine our lives with one another, and also a reminder never to love anyone.

Anyway, here are my queries.

Who keeps the pig?

In September, four months into their five month courtship, Davidson and Grande adopted a piglet named Piggy Smalls. Piggy Smalls slept in a baby crib in the apartment the couple share[d? SEE BELOW Q] and starred in Grande’s “breathin” video. Now he is a child of divorce, and his future is uncertain. Piggy Smalls was Grande’s dream to begin with, so one might assume he’ll stay with her, but I’ve seen too many puppy custody battles in my lifetime to trust precedent.

Where will Pete Davidson live?

In August, Davidson told GQ he had moved into Grande’s $16 million Manhattan apartment:

“She’s really sweet. She’s like, ‘This is our house,’ and I’m like, ‘You’re very nice for saying that. Thank you for letting me stay here,’ “ he deadpans. “She’s like, ‘We’re getting married!’ And I’m like, ‘I know, thank you for letting me stay here.’ “They’re still working on decorating it. “It’s like, we have six beanbags, but we have no forks—you know what I mean?” he says, taking a massive bite of pasta salad. “We’re learning how to be adults. We’re having a really fun time.”

Now that they are no longer getting married, Davidson and three beanbags will need to find a new home, because living with an ex is hell. I do not envy Davidson an emergency New York apartment search, so if you have any tips for him re: open rooms, my email is in my bio. It appears someone started a GoFundMe to aid him in his quest for shelter, but something tells me it’s not legit.

What happens to the ring?

According to People, Davidson spent $93,000 on Grande’s very large engagement ring. That is a lot of money, even for an SNL cast member—even the highest paid performers only make about $25,ooo per episode, per a Google I just did. Etiquette dictates that the dumped party keep the ring, but since those breakup details have yet to be revealed, we still don’t know if Davidson gets his rent money back.

What about the tattoos??

Though I am pro matching friendship tattoos, I am very anti relationship tattoos. Friendship is nearly forever, but boyfriends have a habit of secretly getting matching tattoos with other people, then trying to convince you that you are crazy when you notice they smell suspiciously of new ink. So it was with some concern that I learned Davidson and Grande got relationship tattoos just a few weeks into their romance, and now I am even more worried, because they are forever branded with the memory of their expired love. Will they pull a WINO FOREVER, or will they let the ink slowly fade each day like the pain of heartache?

AND OH GOD, THE FDNY BADGE??!

In July, Davidson gave Grande his late father’s FDNY badge, telling nosy Instagram trolls that he “gave it to her because she has my heart and that is the most precious thing I own.” At the time it was a very sweet gesture, but my god, I hope she lets him have it back.

Meanwhile, as of 8:24 p.m., there is still no official breakup confirmation from Grande and Davidson. Several outlets have noted that Davidson deleted his social media accounts, despite making a recent return to Instagram. A “Grande source” told People the couple split because it was “way too much too soon,” and that “It’s not shocking to anyone,” but THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT ANY LESS DEVASTATING.