When I was in the seventh grade, I liked a boy in my class so much I told my friends we French kissed in the park after school. That never actually happened, but I wanted it to, and so I willed my stupid tween brain to believe its own lies. In that vein, Kris Humphries has been telling reporters his 72-day marriage to Kim Kardashian was “100 percent real.”
On Tuesday, the Player’s Tribune published an essay by Humphries titled “I Never Wanted to Be That Guy.” The piece is very long and includes lines like “I got f****** discombobulated, bro,” so I won’t subject you to all of it, but the meat here is when he digs into his very brief 2011 marriage Kardashian. “I met a girl who happened to be really famous, and I got married, and.…. Damn,” he writes. And then he gets REAL:
Look, I should have known what I was getting into. I was definitely naive about how much my life was going to change. But the one thing that really bothers me is whenever people say that my marriage was fake.
There’s definitely a lot about that world that is not entirely real. But our actual relationship was 100% real.
To recap, Humphries and Kardashian started dating in October 2010, got engaged in May 2011, had a $10 million wedding in August 2011, and filed for divorce that October, exactly one year after they went public with their relationship. Their whirlwind “romance” captivated tabloid reporters and was great press fodder for the also-definitely-100-percent-real reality TV show starring Humphries’s erstwhile beloved. It also felt about as “real” as all this shit, because we are all pawns in Kris Jenner’s thirst for relevance.
Of course, Kardashian herself has also stalwartly asserted the marriage was real—a real settle, that is. In 2017, she told Andy Cohen she only married Humphries because she was worried she’d be unmarketable after 30:
I just thought, ‘I’m 30 years old. I’d better get this together. I’d better get married.’ I think a lot of girls do go through that, where they freak out...thinking they’re getting old...their friends are having kids...so it was more of that situation. But I knew, like, [from the] honeymoon, it wasn’t going to work out.
Anyway, apparently Humphries was very sad when Kim pivoted to Kanye:
When it was clear that it wasn’t working … what can I say? It sucked. It’s never easy to go through the embarrassment of something like that — with your friends, with your family…. But when it plays out so publicly, in front of the world, it’s a whole other level. It was brutal.
Whom among us, really.
Hollywood’s worst Chris (Pratt, duh) will soon tie the Jesus-blessed knot with Katherine Schwarzenegger. And though I will not stop rightfully giving him shit for his (allegedly) anti-LGBTQ church, he gets points for letting ex-wife Anna Faris know about the engagement in advance.
Faris told the Divorce Sucks! podcast:
“How do we make sure that everybody that we love feels safe, and that we also respect the love that we had for each other, and have for each other? So, he was so sweet, as he always is. He called me, and he was like, ‘So, I’m going to ask Katherine to marry me. I just want to give you a heads-up.’ And I was like, ‘That’s awesome!’”
Secondhand news is never fun, especially (I assume) when it comes from TMZ, so I suppose the Bad Chris did one good thing.
- Sophie Turner says she “love[s] a soul, not a gender.” [People]
- Please buy me one of Tom Schwartz’s TomTom t-shirts. [Page Six]
- Rob Lowe has sex tape regret. [Page Six]
- Ska singer Ranking Roger is dead at 56. [Spin]