The new issue of Us Weekly claims that Brad and Angelina will get married in September. If it seems like these two have been on their way to the chapel for years now, it's because, according to a never-ending tabloid cycle, they have.
Since meeting on the set of Mr. And Mrs. Smith in 2003, the couple have been subjected to an endless stream of speculation, but a wedding has thus far eluded us. The latest report might be true, but there were so many other supposed nuptial dates that turned out to be false! Let's look back, shall we?
Star magazine claims that Brad and Angelina will elope, even though Brad's divorce from Jennifer Aniston won't be final until October 2. Thus begins the villianization of Angelina.
Jossip ('member them?) reports that Brad and Angie have set a wedding date, and it is June 27, 2006. There is a Tiffany registry and everything!
Ok! magazine claims that following the birth of Shiloh in Namibia, Brad and Angelina are planning a "fairytale Christmas wedding in South Africa."
"Wedding Bells For Bad Pitt and Angelina Jolie"
Star is reporting that Angelina Jolie's mom's last dying wish was for her daughter to marry Brad Pitt.
Sniffle. Let's head down the aisle.
Ok! is quite sure that Angelina is planning the "wedding of the year." Dress by Marchesa! Matching rings! Red velvet cake!
In Touch shouts, "Yes, They're Getting MARRIED."
We found a snippet of the article on an old message board. It read, in part:
Brad & Angelina: The truth about their wedding
After divorcing her second husband, Billy Bob Thornton, in 2003, Angelina Jolie insisted she'd never marry again, saying that she didn't need to be bound by "a piece of paper." But, after an eye-opening trip to Iraq in early February, Angelina, who's pregnant with twins, decided she should create a legal bond with Brad for the sake of their kids. When she called a close friend to spill the big news, it was a bit shocking. The friend joked that Angie was breaking her vow by taking a vow. But Brad is beyond happy about Angelina's change of heart.
This "doing it for the kids" business will persist.
Star claims that Angie and Brad have just been wed in the French Quarter Wedding Chapel in New Orleans. The original headline, "Star Exclusive: They Did It! Brad & Angelina Tie The Knot!" is later changed to "Did They Or Didn't They?" The Huffington Post keeps a running timeline as folks try to figure out if the wedding actually happened or not.
BABY BREAK! Twin golden-haired deities Vivienne and Knox are born.
Ok! swears that Angelina and Brad are not married but are planning a very small ceremony, and another adoption. Again, the nuptials will happen because the kids "beg" for it.
Oh, see, the reason Angelina and Brad haven't tied the knot yet is because they are squabbling over the prenup. So says Star.
According to Ok!, Brad wants to get married before he and Angie have any more kids — whether through pregnancy or adoption. "He needs to know Angie is really committed to him," a source adds. "Becoming Mrs. Pitt would give him the answer." Four years and six kids are simply not enough.
Brad and Angie did not get married, but they did break up. A lot. Allegedly.
Despite not being married, Angelina and Brad hire a divorce lawyer. They are expected to announce a split within months. Some become distraught and disillusioned. Where is the love, guys? Sob.
"Wedding For The Kids!" They don't want to get married, but they have to! The tiny dictators demand it!
In Touch takes us "inside their secret wedding" by Photoshopping Brad and Angelina onto a lovely beach scene. According to the mag: "Weeks before Christmas, Angelina and Brad whisked their six children off to a tropical paradise and gave them a gift they would never forget: A wedding." A caption next to a picture of Pax and Maddox reads, "They wanted this for so long." Angie and Brad exchanged vows "in a romantic though not legally binding ceremony" at a resort; no priest was present.
The mystical details of the "Secret Wedding In France" are revealed by In Touch: Brad and Angelina will be getting married in September, once the renovations on their chateau are done. They have chosen September 23 as the wedding date because that is the autumnal equinox. A source says: "They both feel that the equinox holds special meaning because it is the day that the Earth is most balanced - the night is as long as the day and the sun's center is on the same plane as the Earth." The mag adds: "Will getting married on the equinox ring in a new age of balance and calm for Brad and Angelina? One can only hope." Om.
Wednesday's issue of Us declared that three reputable sources claim Brad and Angelina plan to get married in September, at their Chateau in France. It will be "an intimate and informal affair." And since Us is considered more respectable than Ok!, Star and In Touch, the "news" has been picked up by The LA Times, The Washington Post, The International Herald Tribune, and The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. This time it's for real, guys, get ready.
THIS JUST IN: People reports the wedding rumors are false. You don't say.