This Week In Tabloids: Jake Gyllenhaal & Ashton Kutcher's Old Noses, Revealed

Welcome back to Midweek Madness. Every Wednesday, we put on our best business casual and meet with Ok!, Star, In Touch, Us and Life & Style. This week we find out: What Lindsay Lohan has been watching on TV while on house arrest; what kind of roses Kim Kardashian will have at her elaborate wedding; the exact date Brad and Angelina will get married; and exactly which cosmetic surgical procedures men like Ashton Kutcher, George Clooney, Tom Cruise and Jake Gyllenhaal have had done.

Ok!
“Kim’s $10 Million Wedding.”
Kim is planning “the party of the century” where “money is no object.” A source says “she seriously wants it to be a royal-type extravaganza.” How many more ways can you say it’s gonna be big? Kim has found her prince and she wants to be a princess and so on and so forth. Expect at least two or three dresses, which she’s designing herself with the “help” of Vera Wang. The jewelry alone will need its own armored guard, and she loves white roses, so she’ll have the African variety, which apparently hold up better under the lights. And! There will be crystals and diamonds INSIDE the bouquet to make it sparkle. Kim is “over the moon” and “on cloud nine” and “in a bubble that doesn’t seem to ever burst,” which reminds us of balloon boy for some reason. Moving on. Jennifer Aniston is “making” Justin Theroux “Mr. Aniston already.” Here’s how: She doesn’t want him to live in the apartment he shared with his ex, so she’s finding him a new place. She’s making him wear a matching ring. She introduced him to her friends, he signed with her agency, and she’s planning a vacation for the two of them. Yawn.
Grade: F (arriving at important meeting dripping with blood)

Life & Style
“Tortured For Her Looks.”
By “tortured,” they do not mean waterboarded at Guantanamo Bay. She is not a secret Al-Qaeda operative. No, Ashley from The Bachelorette has slimmed down after realizing she’d gained 10 pounds while filming the show. Also that dude Bentley was really mean to her about her looks and whatnot. Let’s move on. Amber Portwood tried to kill herself because her ex, Gary, got primary custody of their daughter, Leah, and she felt like she was getting attacked from all sides. Lindsay Lohan granted an exclusive interview — and photos — to the mag for an article titled “Inside Lindsay’s House Arrest.” She’s doing fine, but she would like to be able to go outside. Cough. On the positive side, she’s been able to stay out of the public eye, and that’s what was damaging her reputation. We’d argue that getting wasted and falling down was damaging her reputation, but what do we know? Lindsay has been reading scripts, watching a shit ton of TV, including Mob Wives, and decorating. She also hangs with her sister. FYI: LL does not sit around in pajamas all day. She wears clothes. And she’s really looking forward to starting her community service. She’s excited to get out, prove everyone wrong, and win back some respect. Next: Jen Aniston swears she is not a homewrecker. But apparently Angelina, in her spare time, between visiting with Syrian refugees and raising six kids, has been calling their “mutual Hollywood pals” to gloat over Jen dating Justin Theroux while he was still in a relationship. Angie even joked that now that Jen’s being seen as the bad girl, she (Jen) might get better acting roles. Burn! Justin is so worried that people are gonna start judging Jen that he’s begging his ex to be cool about the whole breakup thing and not accuse him of moving on too fast. Lastly: Hugh Hefner is telling people he should have married Holly. Boo-hoo.
Grade: D- (arriving at important meeting dripping with sweat)

Us
“How Jen Stole Her Man.”
Ouch! Harsh headline, no? The magazine lays out a timeline for the Aniston and Theroux relationship. As an aside, these kids need a good nickname. We can’t call him JT because that’s what we call Timberlake. Jeniston? Aniroux? JJ? It’s really tedious to keep typing Aniston and Theroux, so we need something FAST. Anyway: In March, Theroux’s ex, Heidi, was super excited about her relationship with Justin and they were even talking about getting property in Hawaii together. She had no idea he was about to dump her. But he had known for months, because he’d been getting closer to Jen on the set of the appropriately titled film Wanderlust. Even though Heidi believes that J and J never became intimate on the set, Jen was renting a huge lakehouse while filming, and would hold parties there. Then the parties turned private. DUN DUN DUN. Justin’s friends would joke, “Have you broken up with your girlfriend yet?” But he was too scared — he felt indebted to her, since they’d been together so long. Sigh. We feel really bad for the girlfriend and it kind of sounds like Theroux is an asshole. Moving on! Crystal Harris supposedly left Hugh Hefner because, as she says, “A marriage is supposed to be between two people, and it was never just us.” Sorry, did you really get engaged to Hugh Hefner without realizing it was not gonna be a regular marriage? Weren’t you living in a grotto teeming with blondes? Employment opportunity: Pink and Carey Hart are looking for a nanny! She must be British, however. Blake has been staying with Leo, and doing a lot of baking. Leo is “smitten,” because he’s never been with a woman who can cook. New Cute Couple: Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield are quietly dating! Spidey love, you guys. Caught up in the web and shit. Khloe Kardashian has lost 10 lbs., and says, “You just have to do it healthy.” Also, “She’s training like a beast,” says an insider. Nice choice of word. WTF. Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez are “divas” because they want more money on their respective singing shows. Lastly: When Amber Portwood from Teen Mom tried to kill herself, she told her ex, Gary, “Tell the police, so they can find my body in the garage.” She was so upset because she heard Gary was cheating on her.
Grade: D+ (arriving at important meeting dripping with tears)

Star
“Kardashians Ripped Apart!”
Despite the hysteria on the cover, the sisters were not torn apart by wild dogs, just FYI. Kim is threatening to quit the show to focus her energy on being a wife. There’s supposedly a sex tape of Kourtney giving a blow jay to a man who is not her boyfriend. Khloe’s drama comes from Lamar’s ex, because they’re in a constant battle over visitation rights. Also: The ex might be writing a tell-all book. AND: Khloe wants so badly to be pregnant, and every time she takes a pregnancy test and the result is negative she cries for hours. Plus, Khloe and Kim got a “heat vacuum body procedure” done, to smooth out bulges. Also Kim hates Avril Lavigne. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? RIPPED APART. Moving on: The $30 million Andy Warhol painting that Farrah Fawcett had bequeathed to the University of Texas was missing — the school never received it — but it’s been found! On Ryan O’Neal’s wall. As seen during his show. Oops. Supposedly, Ryan could not control Farrah in life, so he’s trying to control her in death. He has her right where he wants her: Hanging on his living room wall. Drake is flirting with Rihanna and keeping her from dating Chris Brown again, but her friends are worried that Drake’s enthusiasm for marijuana will rub off on Rihanna. We are supposed to believe she has smoked pot before! Bar Refaeli is getting her Ph. D. in psychology from UCLA — allegedly because Leo made her feel insecure, intellectually. Guess he doesn’t have that problem with Blake. All he ever really wanted was a girl who’d stay home and bake. Who knew. And Blake has been telling people that Leo is “the one.” Mary-Kate Olsen is dating her ex, former Vogue intern Sean Avery. Kristen Stewart has been out partying with her costar Garrett Hedlund — hoping to make Rob Pattinson jealous. Tori and Dean are having a rocky moment in their marriage; she wrote on her blog: “We’ve all heard the old saying never go to bed angry, but is it really possible to abide by that old adage when you’re underslept, overstressed, and fed up with your partner’s bad habits?” We hereby present “Kate Channels Diana.” with no comment. (See Fig. 1) Okay, one comment: The magazines will go INSANE if Kate gets a Dorothy Hamill haircut. Amber Portwood has decided to go to a California rehab clinic to treat her anger control issues and depression. The Hollywood poker scandal is pretty fascinating, despite being complicated, but as long as we get to see cute pictures of Matt Damon, we’re good. Although: It turns out that Matt never ever won. He was, however, the nicest guy in the room. Ben Affleck is a high roller on the circuit, and Tobey Maguire is also a major player. Leo played less often, but took his losses pretty hard. Tobey is being sued for just $300,000 — though a source says he’s won about $30-$40 million in poker games over the years — and Rick Salomon (Paris’s ex) is also involved in the lawsuit. This story is really extensive, so if you’re interested, definitely pick this mag up at the checkout counter, read that article, then put it back. Finally: Jessica Simpson is really worried about Ashlee Simpson, since Ash has been downing 8-10 bottles of wine a week. Drunk mom! Jessica has been helping Ashlee write songs for her new album, but won’t take a songwriting credit. Sisterhood!
Grade: C- (arriving at important meeting dripping with perfume)

In Touch
“Secret Wedding In France!”
This is it. All those other times were fake-outs. This is real: Brad and Angelina will be getting married in September, once the renovations on their chateau are done. The kids have already started making artwork and decorations to paste in the chapel. Brad’s brother will be best man, Angie’s assistant Holly will be maid of honor, and Angie’s brother James Haven will help conduct the ceremony. The dress will be deisgned by L’Wren Scott. Zahara, Shiloh and Vivienne will be flower girls. Angelina’s dad will walk her down the aisle, even though they have a contentious relationship. On the guest list: Johnny Depp, the Gwen Stefanis, Guy Richie, Bono, Paul Allen. Etc. Brad and Angelina have chosen September 23 as the wedding date because that is the autumnal equinox. A source says: “They both feel that the equinox holds special meaning because it is the day that the Earth is most balanced — the night is as long as the day and the sun’s center is on the same plane as the Earth.” The mag adds: “Will getting married on the equinox ring in a new age of balance and calm for Brad and Angelina? One can only hope.” We predict it will! Also, there will be peace in the Middle East and cats and dogs will cease their quarreling. Next: A caption on a picture of Ashlee Simpson with new beau Vincent Piazza reads, “A new stepdad for Bronx? Ashlee’s son must be getting confused by her rotating roster of guys!” Slut-shame-y! By the by, the reason Ashley from The Bachelorette was so upset when that assface Bentley exited the show was because she slept with him before he left. Gah. The caption on the spread reads, “They went all the way!” The cover promises “deathbed confessions” from Amber Portwood, but inside we just learn that she tried to kill herself because people on Twitter told her Gary was cheating. Here’s another story about how Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston began their relationship in a shady way. The claim here is that Therouxniston had a romantic date in NYC just weeks before he broke up with his live-in girlfriend, Heidi. And! The magazine shows the building Heidi lived in with Justin and compares it to “the dump she’s in now.” MEAN. (See Fig. 2) Blake “let” Leo go out alone for one night — “she had naively given him permission to hit the town without her” — and he was spotted with a “mystery woman.” That’ll teach her. Never let ’em out of your sight! Scarlett Johansson is “wooing” Bradley Cooper. Her method of woo is texting him and making plans to meet up. Our fave story this week is “Hollywood’s Leading Me Pressured To Get Surgery?” Dudes heart cosmetic surgical procedures! Check out Ashton’s old nose, Ben Affleck’s weird forehead and hairline, Jake’s old nose and the Cloons’ excess eye baggage! (See Fig. 3a & Fig. 3b). Kirstie Alley has “gone from doughnuts to dancing,” and while she is 60, “she has the body of a woman half her age” and her new boyfriend, Ted, is 21. “Can You Believe They’re The Same Age” is one underminery motherfucker. Pitting ladies of the same age against each other to see who’s had “too much fun in the sun” is cruel. Sigh. (See Fig. 4) Lastly: Here is Holly Madison’s shoe closet (See Fig. 5).
Grade: C (arriving at important meeting dripping with sarcasm)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Star

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3a, from In Touch

Fig. 3b, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from In Touch

Fig. 5, from In Touch