This Week In Tabloids: Kate Middleton Can't Get Knocked Up, She's Anorexic
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness. Every Wednesday, we “read” the celebrity tabloids so you don’t “have” to. Today, since Reese Witherspoon wore a shirt over her bikini on the beach, obviously she is pregnant; newly divorced ScarJo and RyRen had an intimate dinner during which she touched his face and he rubbed her back; and Kate Middleton is “starving to be sexy.”
Ok!
“Reese Looks Pregnant!”
Reese Witherspoon looks pregnant. Fourth of July weekend she wore a shirt over her bathing suit and we all know what that means. Plus, she’s “lightened up” on her exercise routine. The “one thing” she and new hubs Jim are missing from their wonderful family is a baby. Moving on: Renée Graziano from Mob Wives underwent a $30,000 full body lift and almost died. When she was coming out of the anesthesia, she moved, “unleashing a geyser of blood” and she had to have emergency surgery to repair the damage. She spoke to Ok! from her hospital bed, but says: “I’m not dying anytime soon. I’ve got about another five seasons for you!” Next: Kim Kardashian and Jessica Simpson both want to have the “wedding of the season,” so clearly they’re going to have to brawl in a ring to see who can win that title. Teen Mom‘s Maci and Kyle — the guy she cheated on her baby daddy with — have broken up, because Kyle read Maci’s diary, in which she wrote she was she’ll always love Ryan, the father of her child. Dude, just because she wrote it in her diary doesn’t mean it’s true. Meanwhile Teen Mom‘s Leah, who has twins, is dating a new stock car racer boyfriend, Dusty, and they spent the weekend together and partied at a club called Razzles — alongside her mom and her sister, who is dating Leah’s ex stock car racing boyfriend Tyler. Cozy. Did you know that Cher turned seven bedrooms into one giant Indian/Moroccan style room? That’s where she sleeps, you guys. Kate Moss was a “diva bride” because she asked Naomi Campbell to fax a sketch of the dress she planned to wear to her wedding so Kate would know if she’d be upstaged. Diva move? Or SMART move?
Grade: D- (the phone book)
In Touch
“Teen Moms’ Dating Disasters.”
Maci’s wedding is on hold. Gary is betraying Amber again — he’s flirting with and seeing a woman named Cory. Moving on: Here is Lady Gaga in what is described as an “onion costume.” Uh, where are you buying your onions??? (See Fig. 1) Khloe and Kim are at war, because Kim has been acting like a Bridezilla ever since she got engaged. Kim wants to make sure her wedding is a bigger deal than Khloe’s wedding, and Khloe is mad that Kim is rushing to the altar and making the family rearrange their schedules. Even though Khloe got married like nine days after she got engaged or something. Kate Middleton has “dropped to 95 lbs.” Dr. Fred Pescatore, the creator of The Hamptons Diet, thinks Kate looks terribly underweight. He thinks she should weigh 140 lbs., and suspects she weighs 105 lbs. at the most. The mag notes that her stressful schedule may be to blame. Meanwhile, Dr. Pescatore says: “If she wants to get pregnant, good luck with no body fat on her.” Jennifer Aniston is “scaring Justin away” because she is soooo into him and wants to get married. They had their first fight, and it was about how she wants to see him all the time. Scarlett Johansson hit up an NYC hotspot to toast her divorce. Kirstie Alley has been trying to “lure” young men to hook up with her by promising to make them stars. Questions: “Is Fergie pregnant? Is Fergie sporting a lovely lady lump?” Someone says she “definitely has a glow.” Jamie Lynn Spears is back with her baby’s father, Casey Aldridge. “Did They Or Didn’t They?” Is a 2-spread photo driven story asking whether certain celebs have had plastic surgery — mostly nose jobs. The answer is a resounding yes, they did. (See Fig. 2) In other news, Chelsea Clinton is ready for a baby. They had to spend some time apart, because he was stalling in giving her the man juice.
Grade: D- (arcane microbiology report)