This Week In Tabloids: Tom Forcibly Impregnates Katie

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we suffer through cuddling up to the decrepit old weekly tabloids, so you don’t have to. This week: Katie Holmes is so distracted with being knocked up that Suri’s going without shoes.

Also: Kendra lands yet another “exclusive” cover story, Brad is spying on Angie and Johnny, the dude from The Bachelor bores us to tears and Scott Disick is rammed down our throats. Good times!

Ok!
“Dancing With The Stars Showdown”
The cover promises “behind the scenes drama,” But there isn’t any. Inside, you’ll find lame quotes from Bachelor Jake and his dancing partner Chelsie Hightower. And three paragraphs detailing what Jake eats every day. Snooze!!!! Next: Suri Cruise was spotted leaving ballet class WITHOUT SHOES (see image 7). See what happens when you make fun of her heels? In Johnny Depp/Angelina Jolie news, a source who has worked closely with Johnny says: “Trust me. kissing Angelina Jolie on camera is the least exciting thing he’ll do all year.… He likes to do movies that are a lot weirder. Johnny’s dream costar is someone more along the lines of Helen Mirren.” A different source says: “Brad doesn’t mean to act jealous, but he’s not comfortable letting his woman get really close to one of the sexiest men alive.” Um, isn’t Brad also one of the sexiest men alive? Lastly: Jennifer Love Hewitt went home with Jamie Kennedy, ate his mom’s home cooking and put on a little weight. Then Jamie helped her design a diet full of leafy greens, and she dropped 12 lbs. Now, a source says, Jennifer is “telling everyone around her how important it is to keep fit and drop any extra pounds you have, because she’s promising them you will not only look great, but will feel so much better.” Yawn.
Grade: F- (making out with The Crypt Keeper)

Life & Style
“Caught Cheating”
The dude from The Bachelor and the lady he proposed to have staged kissy photo ops, but he may have had a girlfriend when he was on the show and blah blah blah. Also, he has a pilot’s license, but doesn’t work for a major airline — he drives party buses and limousines. This is so boring we want to die, so let’s move on. A story about Simon Cowell’s fiancée is called “How She Tamed Hollywood’s No. 1 Bachelor.” She did it with a chair and a whip, because Simon is a lion. All of the people quoted swear makeup artist Mezhgan Hussainy is “down to earth.” The mag helpfully points out how much she’ll be upgrading by comparing her “humble abode in the Valley” to Simon’s “8,000 square foot dream home.” (See image 8.) Next: Angelina “snubbed” Jennifer Aniston on a plane by watching Julie & Julia instead of He’s Just Not That Into You. This is according to a fellow passenger. Margaret says she would do the same thing, and wonders, “Maybe I’m in a feud with Jennifer Aniston?” Cameron Diaz and her ex, Justin Timberlake, will be in a movie called Bad Teachertogether, and in one scene, JT’s character has to “dry hump” Cameron. Justin winds up getting “way too excited too soon.” “That was a mistake,” he says, rolling off of her. “That was fast,” she says. Groan. There are two new books about Lady Gaga coming out, and they will detail “heavy drug use, raunchy sex, and the night she partied so hard, she thought she would die.” Kate Gosselin’s “revenge” on Jon involves doing Dancing With The Stars — she’s getting $200,000 to do the show, and Jon is “spending a lot of time alone, without any friends.” Lastly: The piece called “Are They Better With Or Without Surgery” should be called “Let’s Judge Women!” It’s interesting that the editors chose who ladies who looked better before surgery… and also, don’t most people look great in pictures that were taken decades ago (see image 9)?
Grade: F (making out with Skeletor)

Us
“New Mom Confessions.”
Can we talk about Kendra? Every week, there is some kind of “exclusive” with her. She talked about her body to Ok!; talked about her baby with Llife & Style, had a cornflake smoothie on Ok!, talked about her baby joy to Ok!, etc. etc. etc. Why should we care about this woman? She was hired to wear next-to-nothing and serve shots at a party of the Playboy mansion. Octogenarian letch Hef liked the look of her, so she moved into the mansion. She was 18. Then she became on of Hef’s girlfriends; then she did a Playboy shoot; then she got married and got her own show, then she had a baby, and now we have to read her saying stuff like: “Having a different body was such a culture shock. I’m so used to being hot and being fit.” And when asked how she keeps things “hot” in the bedroom, she answers: “Let’s just say that once you have a baby, everything stops working. Your feelings and your nerves just stop because of giving birth. You have to exercise and get massages to help the blood flow back to certain places so you can feel good again.” Um, what? Is she telling us she can’t orgasm? DO NOT WANT. Oh, and dear magazines, Stop trying to make Scott Discik happen. We don’t care that he dresses like Carlton Banks and Gordon Gecko. Pass it on. (See image 10). Heidi Montag is “uncomfortable” with her new look, and “if you try to hug her, she won’t let you.” Maybe because her implants are sore? Finally: Kate Gosselin got a gig on Dancing With The Stars, so now she has to deal with working mommy guilt. A line here claims that she “opts for premieres and parties instead of quality time with her new kids.” Her kids Mady and Cara “seem depressed.”
Grade: F (making out with Hef)

In Touch
“Ditched”
Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian have moved to Florida so she can shoot the second season of Khloe & Kourtney Take Miami. Same old story here: He won’t help with the baby and the smell of diapers makes him nauseous, so they hired a nanny. While she’s “working” filming the show, he’s just lying on the beach all day and partying all night. We suspect that this “story” was planted by someone from E!, because all it does is promote the next season of the show. Let’s move on: Kim Kardashian went to Costa Rica with Reggie Bush and thought he would propose on the beach during their vacation, and when he didn’t “she lost it.” The fact that the photographs of Kim and Reggie in Costa Rica depict a happy couple is explained thusly by the mag: “Kim knows there are photographers on the beach, so she’s smart enough to act like everything is perfect.” She’s allegedly been leaving torn-out pictures of engagement rings in Reggie’s car and house, according to a “friend.” Next: Jessica Simpson has started texting Ryan Phillippe. A source spills: “Jessica has had a crush on Ryan for ages… they’re planning to get together soon.” In Kate Gosselin news, when Mady and Cara found out about the Dancing iIth The Stars offer, they “begged” her not to do the show. But Kate wants the fame — and the money. She negotiated to make $75,000 an episode — more than Pamela Anderson, and more than any contestant has ever made. She’s also hired an acting coach and “expects to be bombarded with movie offers after people see her on Dancing With The Stars. She wants a career like Reese Witherspoon’s,” says a source. Brittany Murphy’s husband and mother are moving from NY to LA together. Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick were “barely speaking” at the Oscars, used separate dressing rooms and arrived and left separately. Penelope Cruz is designing her wedding dress with L’Wren Scott, and “fans” may be “shocked” that she didn’t choose a designer from Spain. Jessica Biel is upset about Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz working together, but she doesn’t want to say anything because one of the things JT loves about her is that she’s a strong woman, and she doesn’t want to seem insecure. Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez have a new house in California and they converted one of the nine bedrooms into a nursery for their next baby… who has not yet been conceived. For the last 2 months, Charlie Sheen has been sleeping with a prostitute who charges $2500 a night. And he hasn’t been discreet: Once he gave her his ATM and PIN; once he wrote a check to cash. He likes to snort cocaine and have sex with her for hours. Allegedly. During the Oscars, Brad Pitt was in a rented home in Venice, drinking red wine alone. Brad wanted to fly to LA for the Academy Awards, but Angelina “put her foot down.” So he had to call all his LA buddies and tell them he couldn’t come over and play — including Jen, who was upset that Angelina “had come between” them “yet again.” On March 4, Brad, Angie and Johnny toured an art museum in Venice and Angie put her hand on Johnny’s chest and then put an arm around his neck. This “embarrassed” Brad, who turned his back, and a source says Angie “controls Brad like a puppet.” Ugh: Oprah and Gabourey Sidibe were seen talking about losing weight together for a future episode of Oprah. Finally: The Let’s Judge Women! piece is called “These Stars Look Over-Inflated.” (See image 11.)
Grade: D (making out with Charlie Sheen)

Star
“Against Her Will.”
Katie Holmes was spotted shopping at a baby store in LA (see image 12) and an eyewitness says, “Katie was a good 10 lbs. heavier and wore larger clothing like she was trying to hide something… She was definitely rounder in the tummy, and the whole time she was in the store, she was using her hands to shield her belly.” Apparently Tom wanted her to try IVF, even though Scientology doesn’t approve of it, and she was spotted going to a fertility clinic. Note the caption, “It’s baby time, like it or not.” Katie is also doing the Scientology purification process, which involves taking vitamins and amino acids and whatnot. Next: Britney Spears and Jason Trawick are “feuding” because he won’t marry her. Britney is “needy” and has been working out a lot because she feels she’s not thin enough for him. A source claims Jennifer Lopez is trying IVF because she’s having a hard time getting pregnant again. Julianne Hough is dating Dane Cook. Blind item! “Which oh-so-sweet actress is a secret party girl? She and her boyfriend recently hosted a drug and booze bender at a hotel. Looks like her ex isn’t the only scandalous one!” Taylor Lautner never leaves home without a tube of hairgel. He was seen spiking his hair in the mens’ room of a steakhouse — it took him about 10 minutes to get it perfect — and the other dudes were making fun of him. Kate Gosselin is called “Cougar Kate” in this issue, and she is “on the prowl.” She was “shamelessly flirting” with fellow DWTS contestant Aidan Turner. Who is married and has a baby. So. Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian looked “really happy and in love” on vacation in Costa RIca, and Reggie “couldn’t stop staring at Kim’s body, especially when she bent over to pick up seashells.” Vanessa Paradis has been checking Johnny Depp’s script for The Tourist so she knows EXACTLY when he’ll be working on love scenes with Angelina Jolie. A source says “Angie likes to do her love scenes completely nude.” A source says: “Johnny is the one guy Brad feels threatened by.” Brad has asked Angie’s bodyguards to report back about what’s the two are up to on set; “He doesn’t want to be the fool who doesn’t know what’s going on.”
Grade: D+ (making out with Xenu)

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