Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we suffer through cuddling up to the decrepit old weekly tabloids, so you don’t have to. This week: Katie Holmes is so distracted with being knocked up that Suri’s going without shoes.
Also: Kendra lands yet another “exclusive” cover story, Brad is spying on Angie and Johnny, the dude from The Bachelor bores us to tears and Scott Disick is rammed down our throats. Good times!
Ok!
“Dancing With The Stars Showdown”
The cover promises “behind the scenes drama,” But there isn’t any. Inside, you’ll find lame quotes from Bachelor Jake and his dancing partner Chelsie Hightower. And three paragraphs detailing what Jake eats every day. Snooze!!!! Next: Suri Cruise was spotted leaving ballet class WITHOUT SHOES (see image 7). See what happens when you make fun of her heels? In Johnny Depp/Angelina Jolie news, a source who has worked closely with Johnny says: “Trust me. kissing Angelina Jolie on camera is the least exciting thing he’ll do all year.… He likes to do movies that are a lot weirder. Johnny’s dream costar is someone more along the lines of Helen Mirren.” A different source says: “Brad doesn’t mean to act jealous, but he’s not comfortable letting his woman get really close to one of the sexiest men alive.” Um, isn’t Brad also one of the sexiest men alive? Lastly: Jennifer Love Hewitt went home with Jamie Kennedy, ate his mom’s home cooking and put on a little weight. Then Jamie helped her design a diet full of leafy greens, and she dropped 12 lbs. Now, a source says, Jennifer is “telling everyone around her how important it is to keep fit and drop any extra pounds you have, because she’s promising them you will not only look great, but will feel so much better.” Yawn.
Grade: F- (making out with The Crypt Keeper)
Life & Style
“Caught Cheating”
The dude from The Bachelor and the lady he proposed to have staged kissy photo ops, but he may have had a girlfriend when he was on the show and blah blah blah. Also, he has a pilot’s license, but doesn’t work for a major airline — he drives party buses and limousines. This is so boring we want to die, so let’s move on. A story about Simon Cowell’s fiancée is called “How She Tamed Hollywood’s No. 1 Bachelor.” She did it with a chair and a whip, because Simon is a lion. All of the people quoted swear makeup artist Mezhgan Hussainy is “down to earth.” The mag helpfully points out how much she’ll be upgrading by comparing her “humble abode in the Valley” to Simon’s “8,000 square foot dream home.” (See image 8.) Next: Angelina “snubbed” Jennifer Aniston on a plane by watching Julie & Julia instead of He’s Just Not That Into You. This is according to a fellow passenger. Margaret says she would do the same thing, and wonders, “Maybe I’m in a feud with Jennifer Aniston?” Cameron Diaz and her ex, Justin Timberlake, will be in a movie called Bad Teachertogether, and in one scene, JT’s character has to “dry hump” Cameron. Justin winds up getting “way too excited too soon.” “That was a mistake,” he says, rolling off of her. “That was fast,” she says. Groan. There are two new books about Lady Gaga coming out, and they will detail “heavy drug use, raunchy sex, and the night she partied so hard, she thought she would die.” Kate Gosselin’s “revenge” on Jon involves doing Dancing With The Stars — she’s getting $200,000 to do the show, and Jon is “spending a lot of time alone, without any friends.” Lastly: The piece called “Are They Better With Or Without Surgery” should be called “Let’s Judge Women!” It’s interesting that the editors chose who ladies who looked better before surgery… and also, don’t most people look great in pictures that were taken decades ago (see image 9)?
Grade: F (making out with Skeletor)
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