This Week In Tabloids: Angelina & Other Choosy Moms Choose Life, Meaning Babies

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, where it’s ALL BABIES, ALL THE TIME. Even though Angelina has a “baby bump,” her relationship with Brad’s on the rocks! But that’s nothing compared to what’s up with 16-year-old Ali Lohan, poor baby.

Ok!
“Kendra & Kourtney Talk Baby!”
This is a Kendra and Kourtney: “exclusive.” Hilarious. Margaret says: “There is nothing remarkable here.” Both ladies talk about losing baby weight, blah blah blah. Oh, and there’s a quote from Khloe Kardashian, who would like to have a boy, because there aren’t enough boys in the family. However: She is not pregnant. Also inside: Staged pictures from Jersey Shore stars Sammi and Ronnie’s “romantic” “date” in New York City (see image 7). Brad and Angie aren’t going to the Golden Globes because, a “source” says, Angie knows that everyone will be looking for them to interact with Jennifer Aniston, and “as strong as Angie looks, she’s actually very scared of Jen.” In a sidebar, we learn that it’s been five years since Brad and Jen split; that picture of them on a beach where he’s wearing a shirt with the word “TRASH” was January 6, 2005.
Grade: F, back on academic probation (sewage)

Life & Style
“New Moms’ Baby Diary”
Oh, look! Kendra and Kourtney in an “exclusive.” Again. Margaret notes that these babies have only been alive for a month and have already been on several magazine covers. Yet, we still don’t care about them! Moving on: In a Jersey Shore story, we learn that the entire cast is fighting with Mike “The Situation”: “The tension between Mike and the rest of his housemates was palpable during a recent cast event — especially because Mike arrived almost four hours late after going out the night before and staying out until 8 am.” And eyewitness says: “The cast never said anything, but eyes were rolling.” In case you haven’t figured it out yet, the “cast event” was the cover shoot for Life & Style, and the “eye witness” most likely works for the mag. Next: A KROQ DJ named Jim Trenton claims that Dr. Drew used cocaine recreationally in the early ’80s. (Who didn’t?) Casey Johnson’s death brought Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie back together; they attended a private memorial at Nicky Hilton’s house last week. Paris says: “On such a sad day, it brought a smile to my face to at least have one dear friend back in my life.” Then there’s a story called “Is Tila Tequila Next?” in which an “insider” claims TT is “more disturbed than you can possibly imagine” and “will be next” if she doesn’t get help. Lastly: A picture of Reese Witherspoon with a yoga mat accompanies a piece titled “Reese’s Revenge Body.” An insider says, “She’s been working out nonstop and can’t wait to reveal her killer body.” Was something wrong with her body before? No, but as the insider points out: “She’s not sitting at home stuffing her face with ice cream.”
Grade: F (medical waste)

Us
“Get Thin Fast”
Margaret notes that this story is late, because it’s a new year-type piece which should run the first week of January! Inside, we learn that celebrities lose weight by eating lean protein and vegetables, working out, and dancing on stage while on tour. Also inside: Kate Gosselin hates her new $7,000 hairdo. Says an insider. She thinks her hair looks over-processed and damaged and is afraid people will think she’s one of Tiger Woods’ bimbos. Mady and Cara laughed when they first saw the ‘do, which made Kate run to her bedroom and cry. Next: Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan have broken up. Corgan told a pal, “Our best dates were when we had a distraction, like a sports game. But when that was over, cue the awkward silence.” Are Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson back on? A source says yes: She’s really “wiped out” after A-Rod and she and Owen are talking again. In Tiger Woods news, we learn that right after the Thanksgiving incident, Tiger slept on the floor of his friend’s empty house, because he couldn’t go home and he “couldn’t exactly check into a hotel.” A source who saw the house says it was gutted, “except for an air mattress, some pillows, a TV, snack, a Bug Light, and a golf glove on the floor.” Lastly, a story about Rachel Zoe’s “shocking beach body” has a sidebar claiming that her ex-clients (Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, Jessica Simpson, Keira Knightley) were slimmer when they worked with RZ.
Grade: F (sludge)

Star
“Brad & Angie: The End!”
So there’s a picture of Brad and Angie looking annoyed — maybe because there’s a camera in their faces — but the story doesn’t have much to it: Ever since Angelina announced that she wanted an open relationship, “the facade has cracked.” And: “Their struggle with living a lie has become so overwhelming that it’s often etched on their grim faces.” Brad took a solo trip to France on the eve of Zahara’s fifth birthday, even though a big bash had been planned. Oh, and Angie hired a private detective to tail him when he takes off on his motorcycle — and she checks his pockets for phone numbers and sniffs his clothes, because she is paranoid and insecure. Next: We present this page of celebrities given Jersey Shore hair via Photoshop without comment (See image 8). Jamie Lynn Spears wore a disguise to go party at a bar with her friends on Christmas day in Louisiana and a friend bought the drinks since she’s underage (see image 9). Moving along: John Mayer went out to dinner with Taylor Swift after the People’s Choice Awards. An eyewitness says: “They definitely looked like a couple.” Blind item! Which underage Hollywood actress’s perfect image is all show? She got so smashed at a recent L.A. party that she had to be carried out — after making out with a random guy and puking?” Squee: While ordering sushi in Whole Foods in Encino, Pink and Carey Hart made out in front of the sushi chef. Dr. Stuart Fischer, author of The Park Avenue Diet, estimates that Rachel Zoe weighs 82 lbs. Original Destiny’s Child member LeToya Luckett claims Rihanna stole her man — she’d been dating Matt Kemp all summer and fall, and he never officially broke up with her. She didn’t know she’d been dumped until she saw pictures of Matt and Rihanna together. A source says Tiger Woods and Rachel Uchitel meet in the middle of the night to have sex, and will wear disguises so that no one recognizes them. Lastly, in Casey Johnson’s “final interview,” she says: “I hate my mom. When I see her at clubs, I exit quickly.” And: “I want the life that Paris Hilton has. She’s my best friend and I love her. But I hate that she has everything and everything has gone her way.”
Grade: D (biodegradable waste)

In Touch
“We’re Glad We Chose Life”
Info about the horrifying cover story is here. Also inside: Eva Longoria “looks pregnant,” but “God will give her a child when the time is right,” she has said. We’re so in love with the pix of Kathy Griffin filming Law & Order: SVU (see image TK)! Angelina is “acting” like she’s pregnant. “Local eyewitness” Pierre Letreau, who saw her in a restaurant when she had dinner in France last week says: “She sipped a cola and looked quite tired. And with her coat off, she had a clear pregnancy bump.” And “I didn’t ask, but it looked to me as if she’s expecting again.” Then there’s a picture of Angie with said coat off, with a helpful arrow and the words “the bump has grown.” (image 10). In addition, Angelina has made an appointment to see her French OB/GYN! Alert the media! Next: Lindsay Lohan is having a “risky effect” on Ali: They both wear skimpy swimsuits, they are both having identity crises and Ali’s worn colored contacts. THE HORROR. (See image 11). Rihanna is “desperate” to be in love, and even though she’s been seeing Matt Kemp of the LA Dodgers for weeks, she decided to “orchestrate” going public with their romance after seeing pictures of Chris Brown with a new lady. Lastly: Rachel Zoe is “dying to be thin” and a nutritionist who does not treat her thinks she weighs 80 lbs. The sidebar is of celebrities’ bodies “Pre-Zoe” and “Post-Zoe,” with the claim, “They got thin when Rachel styled them.”
Grade: B (animal by-products)