This Week In Tabloids: Brad & Angie Fake It While Jen & Gerard Make It

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, where Brad & Angie absolutely positively cannot win.

The tabloids always claim the couple is splitting, separated, or having “the fight to end all fights.” So what happens when Brad and Angie kiss at the Super Bowl? The mags claim they’re faking it, and putting on a show. The other big news this week? Jennifer Aniston hung out with Gerard Butler in Mexico. In Touch, Star, Us, Life & Style and Ok! all purchased fuzzy shots of Jen and Gerry taken by some guy camped out in the bushes in Cabo San Lucas. But when we were at the newsstand, we saw that People has actual photographs of Jen’s birthday party — Jen blowing out the candles and so on. No matter! We’ve got “news” about Kendra’s body, Ashlee’s nose and Rihanna’s film career!

Ok!
“My Body After Baby.”
In December, Kendra informed us that she lost 20 pounds in 3 weeks. Now it’s 25 pounds in 8 weeks! The weird part is: We still don’t care. She looks great, even though we suspect Photoshop shenanigans on the cover, since her thighs are a different shape in the pictures inside (see image 7). Moving on: Jessica Biel told her Valentine’s Day costar Jennifer Garner that she was having trouble getting Justin to commit. “Jen advised her to back off and stop being so clingy,” a source says. Among Jen’s tips: “Play hard to get by being less available.” And “Stop quizzing him about other women.” Sounds like someone read The Rules! Lastly, this is a quote from Beyoncé: “Some days the only thing I want to do is is stay in my Uggs and watch Big Love and eat brownies!”
Grade: F (grade school play acting)

Us
“Vienna’s Double Life.”
Since we don’t watch The Bachelor, we don’t know exactly what this is all about, but it seems that rumor has it Vienna Girardi might be getting the final rose from bachelor Jake Pavelka. The problem? her ex mother-in-law says “She’s not looking for a husband. She’s just looking to promote herself.” Rare, for a reality TV star! Apparently she used to work at Hooters and compete in bikini contests. She married a Marine named Josh Riley in 2005, and while he was deployed in Iraq, she “drained” their joint bank account of $5,000, to get breast implants. She’s generous, though: She also got her mom a tummy tuck and lipo with the cash. Anyway, it goes on like this for a while, but we tuned out after seeing the bikini pix (see image 8). Also inside: “Meet My Manzilla!” is a spread of celeb ladies whose boyfriends/husbands are tall. Lastly, in Tiger Woods news, a source says that Elin Nordegren doesn’t want to get divorced like her parents did — “She thinks children need both parents.” In addition, the source says: “Elin doesn’t see [Tiger] as an awful guy, but a damaged bird. She wants to help him.” If you love someone set them free?
Grade: F (infomercial acting)

Life & Style
“A Baby To Save Their Love.”
Apparently when Angelina Jolie flew from LA to Miami, she ate a salad and an ice cream sundae, then watched Julie & Julia. Later she chatted up a fellow passenger and said: “I’m such a squishy mom. I really am just a squishy mom; I can’t wait to just be in bed hanging out with them.” This anecdote, along with old quotes about “further additions” to the family, creates a “story” with the headline, “A Baby For Brad And Angelina!” The spread is illustrated with a photo of Angie, with her arms up, cheering! Of course, she is at the Super Bowl. But since Brad recently purchased a house, the mag screams, “THEY’RE MAKING ROOM FOR MORE CHILDREN!” Was it only two weeks ago that ~~this same mag~~ L&S‘s sister mag declared “Yes, It’s Over!”? In any case, this article notes that since Angie has to film “steamy thriller” The Tourist, which includes sex scenes with Johnny Depp, she won’t be getting pregnant right now. She might adopt, though! Moving on: Lady Gaga is “cracking under pressure” because she has to be “on” all the time. She even went to a bar and played Buck Hunter with no pants on. Kendra cried after her husband’s team lost the Super Bowl because the paparazzi wouldn’t leave her and the baby alone. Kim Kardashian’s boyfriend Reggie Bush didn’t propose to her after his team won the Super Bowl, but Kim says, “He never said he would do that.” Simon Monjack, Brittany Murphy’s widow, tried to organize a “questionable” charity event in his wife’s name. Lastly, Fergie lost 17 lbs. and “got the hottest butt.”
Grade: D- (music video acting)

In Touch
“Betrayed!”
Basically, Kourtney Kardashian got a text message telling her that her boyfriend and baby daddy Scott Disick was out with Ed Westwick, drinking and flirting with other women. Kourtney was “really upset” and sent Scott a text saying: “Get home now.” The story goes on and on with statements like, “Her family never trusted him” and “He loves the fame and fortune.” Moving on: A witness named Louise Black — maybe the one from Project Runway? — was sitting “yards” away from the couple at the Super Bowl and says that Angie and Brad were kissing and cheering but “it looked desperate and forced.” There’s even a subhead here which reads “TOO MUCH SNUGGLING” (see image 9). That’s right. When Angie and Brad are not together, it’s headlines like “BRAD MOVES OUT” or “THE BREAKUP.” But these two kiss in public and it’s staged. Also inside: Beyoncé and Jay-Z are “trying to get pregnant.” In a shocking exposé, we learn that babies “love their pacifiers” (see image 10). Britney Spears is in a “toxic romance” with her agent, Jason Trawick, who has “almost Svengali-like control” over her personal and professional life and has pushed her to go into the studio even though she just got back from touring 2 months ago. She’s in love with him and dreaming about a “big, white” wedding; he is stringing her along. A “source” says: “If he breaks her heart, she could have another mental breakdown.” IF and COULD are the operative words here. Breaking: Ashlee Simpson’s “old nose is back” (see image 10). Doesn’t the 2010 picture look like someone tampered with it? Dr. Steven J. Pearlman was asked to weigh in on the difference between her nose now and her nose in 2006, and he — quite astutely — points out: “The photo of her now is from a straight-on angle, while the one of her in 2006 is a side profile. No nose will look the same from different angles.” O RLY? Have you ever wondered to yourself, “Which stars have Lego hair?” Wonder no more (see image 12)! By the way: Madonna is “already filling out paperwork” to adopt an orphan from Haiti. Lastly, Debbie Gibson is turning 40, but says she feels sexier than ever.
Grade: D (student film acting)

Star
“It’s On… Again!”
Jennifer Aniston spent her birthday weekend with Gerard Butler… and 50 of her closest friends. During the day, Jen and Gerry kept their distance, but at night… Who knows?!?! An “insider” claims that Jen is really looking forward to her upcoming promotional tour for The Bounty Hunter with Gerard. Moving on: Remember the “Manzilla” spread in Us? There’s one here, too, but it’s called “Big Love.” Miley Cyrus’ parents, Billy Ray and Tish, have been spending “more and more time apart.” Miley recorded “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” with Bret Michaels, and Tish and Bret “hit it off in a big way.” Bret’s rep says that “Tish and Bret spend a lot of time in the studio together,” though he adds it’s “strictly business.” Blind item! “Which TV and movie star has been cheating on his wife for years? His makeup artist was his latest conquest, but he owes many other ladies Valentine’s Day presents!” Hmm, well, here is a list of the dudes in the VD movie. Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush had a “Super Bowl blowup” because she kept grabbing him to pose for photos, and saying things like “Don’t forget to smile!” A “source” says he snapped at her: “I just won the Super Bowl. This is my night, not yours.” Then she cried. Yet another story claims that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s kissing and hugging at the Super Bowl was “all for show.” Body-language expert Toni Coleman says: “To me this feels contrived and exaggerated. You can tell these two are actors.” There’s a two-page piece on John Edwards “temptress” Rielle Hunter: She was also sleeping with Jeff Goldblum while she was with Edwards, and even thought maybe Goldblum, and not Edwards, was the father of her child. Sandra Bullock has not been able to conceive, and it’s “heartbreaking” for her. Jamie Lynn Spears’ new boyfriend, James Watson, is “equal parts playboy and good ‘ol boy,” says a source. Friends are telling her it won’t last. Lastly: Rihanna has been cast in her first starring role in About Face, a movie about “a fashion designer who has to change her ways to win the heart of the man she loves.” Yes, as the mag points out, this plot is similar to the 1975 Diana Ross film Mahogany. Rihanna has “quietly” been taking acting classes and learning to emote. We have one question for her: Do you know where you’re going to????
Grade: D+ (soap opera acting)