What did the stars have in store for the stars this month? Are you maybe behaving in similarly inspirational or deeply wack and self-destructive ways? The Most Ridiculous Thing Your Sign Did This Month explains all.
Aries: Lady Gaga swears only one person believes in her and it’s Bradley Cooper
Lady Gaga, a woman with a separate Wikipedia page for her awards, has been going around on the A Star Is Born press tour repeatedly saying that “There could be 100 people in a room, and 99 of them don’t believe in you.” So happy that the upcoming indie starlet has found her one person in Bradley Cooper. Aries are always finding fake odds to overcome. The next thing to find: a new catchphrase!
Taurus: Gigi Hadid got sued for because she didn’t give the paparazzi that stalked her a photo credit on Instagram
Gigi Hadid was just trying to keep it up for the ’gram when she got sued by the paparazzi for posting a picture of herself she found on Twitter. Lil’ Venusian Taurus baby just wants some appreciation for her outfit and aesthetic! Who cares about the photo cred?! A Taurus always has a gang of loyal friends, and her pals came to her defense. Models upon models took to the streets Instagram in support of their friend!
Gemini: Lana Del Rey makes fucking weird comments to Azealia Banks in the War of the Geminis
October really was the War of the Geminis, and Geminis use their words as weapons! While Kanye and Trump are conspiring as agents of chaos, they’re inspiring brawls amidst the Gemini community! First, Lana del Rey posted a lengthy comment on an Instagram of Kanye wearing the MAGA hat. Then, Azealia Banks went after Lana for the inconsistent nature of her criticism given the variety of other ways that Lana is not politically self-aware. At this point, Lana dished out the ridiculous tweets, “u know the addy. Pull up anytime. Say it to my face. But if I were you- I wouldn’t.” …!!! Lana, you sound like a Girl Scout who just started downloading rap on her family’s iMac!
Cancer: Courtney Love was accused of another murder conspiracy
So Courtney Love is being accused of murder again, but this time with Riverdale actors?? Love’s daughter Frances Bean Cobain is in the middle of a divorce from Isaiah Silva, who somehow thinks he has the right to one of Kurt Cobain’s guitars in the settlement, because there are really no limits to male entitlement. He’s now suing Courtney Love because he swears she hired the actor Ross Butler from Riverdale to kill him! Listen, Cancers hold grudges, and yes, they are emotional when it comes to the ones they love, but can we let Courtney live???
Leo: Meghan Markle lied about putting herself through college, according to her fame-thirsty half-sister
So Meghan Markle may or may not be lying about putting herself through school. After she gave a speech saying that she did, her petty older half-sister Samantha Markle (who has been out to get her since day one!!!) went on a Twitter rant to say that their father paid for all of Meghan’s education, calling the duchess “delusionally absurd,” and a liar. Is this Leo pride exaggerating the fact that her part-time job paid for her party money? Or is this a jealous peasant of the Leo kingdom clamoring for a piece of fame?? Either way, we’ve got Leo family DRAMA!
Virgo: Rupert Grint used his Harry Potter money to buy an ostrich skeleton
Virgo Rupert Grint revealed in an interview this month that he almost left the Harry Potter franchise after the Goblet of Fire movie. Grint’s rendition of Ron’s moody teen years meant so much to fans that I am selfishly glad that he didn’t, but I am even more glad to hear about what he did with his Harry Potter money. Among the things Grint purchased in his early years of establishing a relationship with money are “an ice cream van, a hovercraft, an a full-size ostrich skeleton.” Virgos are known for having eclectic and varied tastes, but an ostrich skeleton? Just… why?
Libra: Bella Hadid and The Weekend are moving into a $60,000/month Tribeca apartment together
A Libra getting back together with her Aquarius ex and then immediately moving into an expensive New York apartment with him? Checks out! Libras love luxury, and Bella Hadid is no exception! Hadid and The Weeknd are both air signs, which instills a changeable, mental, and flexible energy. With those fickle signs, at least one breakup is bound to happen; it’s practically a hazing ritual to test out the long term. But maybe the new setting for season two of their relationship will do the trick! I believe in them!
Scorpio: Megyn Kelly condoned blackface; correctly lost terrible TV show
Crocodile tears for Megyn Kelly losing her show after condoning blackface :(((( On her NBC show, Megyn Kelly, apparent Halloween enthusiast and obvious racist, expressed her deep concern for people being able to wear others’ skin for the night! And not in a fun, creepy Michael Myers way - in a way that feeds into systematic racism! Megyn, your next required apology goes to Scorpios everywhere for starting off their season on this shameful note.
Sagittarius: Taylor Swift spoke now
Sagittarius Taylor Swift pulled some truly shocking shit when she decided to alienate her can-I-speak-to-the-manager fans and finally voice an opinion about politics! In the past, the extent of her politics has mostly been milquetoast reminders to vote, but the singer went so far as to endorse two Tennessee Democratic candidates on Instagram. Sagittarians are usually known for using their voices in an outspoken manner, so it’s good to see Taylor finally joining her celestial pack!
Capricorn: Betty White used a pet psychic to talk to her dead dog
Capricorns are among the most reliable signs, and their friendship truly lasts a lifetime! Perhaps even, more than a lifetime? National Enquirer recently revealed that Capricorn sweetie Betty White used a pet psychic to get in touch with her deceased golden retriever and say her final goodbyes. Using a photo of the dog and “one of her old doggie bones taken from a shrine she’d erected for the lost pet,” Betty was able to speak to Dinah and confirm that they will be reunited in the afterlife. A Capricorn always sees things through to the end.
Aquarius: Harry Styles is taking Susan Sontag breaks between recording
Harry Styles has been roaming the streets of Los Angeles reading Susan Sontag! Why, you ask, is this beautiful British Aquarian dreamer tossing back some 1964 essays in his free time (specifically Sontag’s Notes on ‘Camp’)? Along with Serena Williams and Lady Gaga, he was recently named one of three hosts for next year’s Met Gala, which will be themed “Camp: Notes on Fashion!” Aquarius, the intellectual, reading up and doing his homework months in advance. I love it!
Pisces: Quincy Jones (apologizing to T. Pain) - pisces r kings of the backpeddle
Quincy Jones, legendary record producer and occasionally clueless Pisces, issued an apology to T. Pain after he trashed his singing on a cover of Michael Jackson’s “P.Y.T.”, a song Jones himself produced. In a February interview with Vulture, Jones said, “T-Pain, man, he didn’t pay attention to the details.” T-Pain recently revealed that Jones DM’ed him after the interview came out to blame his candidness on old age. To be fair, in the same interview, Jones called Paul McCartney the worst bass player he’s ever heard, said Marlon Brando would fuck a mailbox, and mentioned being a Pisces twice. Most Pisces believe they have the souls of 85 year olds anyways, and speak with just as much candor, so what can you do?
What will next month hold for the stars? More weird shit and drama, is my guess. Stay tuned!
Courtney Perkins is a comedy writer and memelord living in Los Angeles. You can find more of her work @notallgeminis.