Screenshot: Inside Amy Schumer

When I woke up this morning, the first full article I read was about Jeff Bezos’s dick. Specifically, its size, as revealed to a Page Six source. (You didn’t ask, but the insider said: “It’s big.”) This nugget of knowledge came to light only after a series of sexts and dick picks the evil Amazon man is alleged to have sent anchor Lauren Sanchez in the midst of his divorce, which were leaked to and published by the National Enquirer.

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Even if someone I was extremely attracted to sent me a few “sexts” in this vein, I would remain fully clothed and unresponsive.

Unfortunate, but I have a hunch that sexts that lack sexiness are probably commonplace. The only way to test drive this theory is if you all share with us the least sexy sexts you’ve ever received. Tell us about them in the comments below. Bezos is watching, and he could probably use the tip.

But first, your most ridiculous failed new year’s resolutions.

pizzacat2020 coming through with the relatable two liner:

Dry January 2019. Made it until January 3.

E=MC Hammered didn’t fall asleep in the shower, good for E=MC Hammered:

I used to have to wake up at 3:15 a.m. for work and had a stall shower with a seat in it, which I would routinely sit down on and then fall asleep, only to be woken up when the water started to turn cold. One year I resolved to stop falling asleep in the shower. I don’t remember how long it lasted—a couple of weeks I think—but “don’t fall asleep in the shower” seems like such a ridiculous resolution now.

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Morman Nailer tried to become a winker:

So I’m 22......just got out of my first serious relationship and I’m all about hitting the bar scene and hitting on some dudes! So my New Years Resolution for that year (which still lives in infamy in my family) is to wink more. You know like when you see some hot dude and he makes eye contact and you just wink at him. Reader, I have never done this in my life. So what better time than New Years Eve at my local bar? Anyways, I’m sitting at the bar and see some hot guy who doesn’t seem to have any chicks around him, and he makes drunken eye-contact with me. So of course I tell the bartender to get this man a drink STAT on my tab! Which he does.......and as “hot guy” chugs his free drink, I get all set to wink at him as he wonders who the hell just bought him a drink. However, the second after he chugs his drink, “hot guy” leaves the bar, and my awaiting eyelashes forever........I never did get to wink more :(

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LittleAnimalLostHerKey wanted to be celibate, but then realized celibacy sucks:

“No sex in oh six.” It ended up being my most slutty year yet. I couldn’t live up to the pressure.

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scowlybrowspinster—-Run me a bubble bath NOW! wanted to not get parking tickets... but, hm, guess what happened?

Every damn year I swear I AM NOT GETTING ANY PARKING TICKETS! Sometimes I have to start over by lunar new year, sometimes again at Rosh Hashana. In 2018 I got fuckin towed for hundreds of dollars! Gawddamnit!

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“A Dress” -Calvin Klein resolved to stop talking about themselves. Never come to New York, friend:

Stop telling people so much about my life! I made this “resolution” back in 2006, and broke it three minutes later. I tell everyone everything about myself. Want to talk about my bipolar dad? Great! Sit down, you’ll be here for a while. They’re not even interesting stories really, I just have to tell everyone everything. I’m somewhat better now, and I’m great, and have always been great, with other people’s secrets. My “secrets,” not so much. Meh, I’m fine with it now. Pull up a chair, let’s chat.

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Now let’s hear about those sexless sexts!