Brace Yourselves, This Jeff Bezos Scandal Now Involves Dick Pics

Illustration for article titled Brace Yourselves, This Jeff Bezos Scandal Now Involves Dick Pics
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Perhaps you were naive enough to think that we could get through this Jeff Bezos news cycle without having to imagine his his penis. Or just maybe, you felt a throbbing in a dark, cynical part of your amygdala that warned you it was just a matter of time.


Well, the glass is completely empty, cynics, so we win this one. There exist pictures of Jeff Bezos’s penis, and they are in possession of the National Enquirer:

“What’s more, the horndog e-commerce mogul even sent Sanchez a below-the-belt selfie — otherwise colloquially known as a “d*ck pic” — in an unsparing close-up that’s too explicit to describe in detail.”

An “unsparing close-up.” Unsparing. Close-up. I’m so sorry to be the bearer of this information.

[National Enquirer]

Also, Bezos tried to drag human embodiment of sunlight, Lin Manuel-Miranda, into this sordid business by attempting to shell out millions for a Super Bowl commercial directed by Miranda in order to cover up his affair with Lauren Sanchez (recipient of “alive girl” semi-sexts and aforementioned pics) by bringing her onto the production team.

Because he will never let us down, Miranda hard passed.

[Page Six]

  • Lindsay Lohan either didn’t hook up with Vanderpump Rules star Jax Taylor or did and it was utterly forgettable. Either way, why keep bragging about it, dude? [Us Weekly]
  • Tim Tebow is marrying the universe’s most beautiful woman. [New York Post]
  • Amy Adams was not able to move Whitney Houston down the purchase funnel. [Us Weekly]



I don't even think it's tinfoil-hatting to point out that Trump hates Bezos and The Enquirer loves Trump.