Questions I'd Like Answered in Aunt Becky's Tell-All Book

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According to one of my favorite consistently hyperbolic celebrity tabloids, Radar Online, Lori Loughlin is “pitching a prison tell-all book,” should she find herself incarcerated like fellow college admissions scandal inductee Felicity Huffman. “She’s talking to agents about turning her prison experience into a cash-grabbing book and movie,” an “insider” allegedly told Radar Online, “They’ve assured her it will make millions.” Of course it would. And of course she absolutely should write a book; I’d argue that most of us are not above reading the musings of a woman who once suggested that the $500,000 she allegedly spent to get daughters Olivia Jade and the other one into USC wasn’t “different from donating money for a library.”


Should this book come to light—and once again, I think it really might—there are a handful of questions I’d like answered in the forthcoming text. Loughlin, if you’re reading this in one of your increasingly numbered days of freedom, here they are:

  • Why a crime hat? Why the same crime hat on several occasions?
  • Why switch to a crime visor? Were you aware that your original headwear had been dubbed a “crime hat”? And why commit to the visor multiple times? Where are you going? Why are you hiding?
  • Why didn’t you accept a plea deal?
  • Do you think the cast of Fuller House will visit you if you are sentenced to the clink?
  • Why did you do it? You’re rich, dude!
  • Do you see now that college ain’t shit, especially when you’re an Instagram influencer, like your daughter Olivia Jade?
  • Once you make bank off of your tell-all, can you pay off my student loan debt? And the student loan debt of others? It’s only fair.

Tell your publisher my email is in my bio below. Thanks in advance.

URL: Senior Writer, Jezebel. IRL: Author of the very good book 'LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands from NKOTB to BTS,' out now.


Werewolf Bar Mitzvah

How does it feel to get strung up for possibly the dumbest crime ever? Donald Trump is taking time out of his busy “publicly confessing to actual crimes, then getting mad when people notice and ask about it” schedule to wonder how you could be so fucking stupid.