Questions I'd Like Answered in Aunt Becky's Tell-All Book

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According to one of my favorite consistently hyperbolic celebrity tabloids, Radar Online, Lori Loughlin is “pitching a prison tell-all book,” should she find herself incarcerated like fellow college admissions scandal inductee Felicity Huffman. “She’s talking to agents about turning her prison experience into a cash-grabbing book and movie,” an “insider” allegedly told Radar Online, “They’ve assured her it will make millions.” Of course it would. And of course she absolutely should write a book; I’d argue that most of us are not above reading the musings of a woman who once suggested that the $500,000 she allegedly spent to get daughters Olivia Jade and the other one into USC wasn’t “different from donating money for a library.”

Should this book come to light—and once again, I think it really might—there are a handful of questions I’d like answered in the forthcoming text. Loughlin, if you’re reading this in one of your increasingly numbered days of freedom, here they are:

  • Why a crime hat? Why the same crime hat on several occasions?
  • Why switch to a crime visor? Were you aware that your original headwear had been dubbed a “crime hat”? And why commit to the visor multiple times? Where are you going? Why are you hiding?
  • Why didn’t you accept a plea deal?
  • Do you think the cast of Fuller House will visit you if you are sentenced to the clink?
  • Why did you do it? You’re rich, dude!
  • Do you see now that college ain’t shit, especially when you’re an Instagram influencer, like your daughter Olivia Jade?
  • Once you make bank off of your tell-all, can you pay off my student loan debt? And the student loan debt of others? It’s only fair.
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About the author

Maria Sherman

this is my day job: senior writer at jezebel