JFK’s Hot Grandson Is Back with a New Political Cause: ‘Milk Harassment’

Last we heard from JFK’s hot (or, IDK, maybe he’s just decent looking and a Kennedy) grandson, Jack Schlossberg, he was dissing his cousin, “Democratic” presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., and dragging restaurants to the ninth circle of hell. Now, he is back on my social media feeds, this time preaching the gospel of something that he calls “milk harassment.” I don’t really understand what it entails, but as he explains it, “milk harassment” is… the sinister act of referring to nut-based or non-dairy milks (almond, cashew, oat, soy, etc.) as milk…?

“Milk harassment,” his Thursday morning tweet begins. “Milk harassment needs to stop !! Milk is milk — you know it when you see it. milk comes from a mammal. oat, almond, rice, cashew: these are foods !! So they become beverages, but not milk. not that easy to make milk. Litigation ?”

Milk harassment. Milk harassment needs to stop !!

Milk is milk — you know it when you see it. milk comes from a mammal.

oat, almond, rice, cashew: these are foods !!

So they become beverages, but not milk. not that easy to make milk.

Litigation ?

— Jack Schlossberg (@JBKSchlossberg) December 14, 2023

Oh, to be obscenely rich, semi-cute, and at liberty to say whatever the hell you want on the internet…

I have a few questions: Namely, what is the “harassment” in “milk harassment”? Is it “harassment” to call almond milk a “milk” and not, as Schlossberg puts it, “food”? Is it harassment to be lactose intolerant or struggle to consume dairy?? And who, exactly, is being harmed and harassed???

The war on nut-based milks (“beverages,” I guess??? I don’t want to be accused of “milk harassment”) isn’t new, but in Schlossberg, it seems to have found its newest, most passionate soldier. Perhaps it should have been him, not Aubrey Plaza, starring in the Big Milk ad poking fun at nut milks by satirically promoting “wood milk” back in May. In recent years, milk has become yet another frontier in the right’s ridiculous culture wars, spawning terms like “soy boy” that imply soy or non-dairy milk consumers are soft, coddled leftists. Unclear what Schlossberg thinks of all this, but best not to poke the bear by bringing up oat milk.

This is all very strange but I’m not exactly surprised a Kennedy has a, err, quirky take. Unlike his cousin, RFK Jr., Schlossberg’s opinions are relatively innocent. In July, he went on an Instagram tangent characterizing restaurants as the bane of society with such arguments as, “We have to wait there to eat something that we don’t get to choose, really, what it is,” and, “We only have a couple of choices.” Well, I guess that settles that, then: Time to shut it all down—the great, dual evil of restaurants and cashew milk.