Has your vagina been feeling down these past few weeks? Perhaps you’ve encountered some unexpected itching, or are occasionally startled by the smell of Tom Ford Velvet Orchid and the faint rustling of a wrap dress from somewhere inside you. Regardless of your particular symptoms, I strongly suggest you run to a doctor’s right away, because miniature Gwyneth Paltrow might have crawled inside your vagina and given it a serious case of the Goop!
Unfortunately, Goop’s upcoming Netflix series The Goop Lab was not canceled since the last time I heard about it. It’s still unclear what new darkness her wretched wellness empire will unleash on modern American women. But I have a sneaking suspicion it might concern vaginas. Why? Well, given the yoni egg baroness’ predilection for up-selling wellness contraptions that you jam between your legs, it’s an easy guess. But a recent promotional image, shared by one of Netflix’s 10 million Twitter accounts, only furthers my suspicion.
According to Netflix, the show will take “the deeply inquisitive viewer in an exploration of boundary-pushing wellness topics, including: psychedelics, cold therapy, female pleasure, anti-aging, energy healing and psychics.”
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But instead of wallowing in the shadow of Goop’s latest threat to women, I’ve decided to focus my energy on something useful—predicting what that threat could be! I understand the risk involved: some cruel twist of fate might see these horrors realized on the material plane. But doing something is better than nothing. And besides, it gives you all the opportunity to imagine that time Goop yelled “Vagina! Vagina! Vagina!” at those Harvard students, except replace her with me, yelling about these hypothetical products that don’t actually exist, but definitely could!
- LED fairy lights for your vagina
- A crystal vagina wand
- Cashmere vagina scarves
- CBD perfume for your vagina
- A vagina “masque” made out of milk and honey
- Non-permanent vagina tattoos
- Soundbath therapy for your vagina
- Vagina vitamins
- Implantable LED screen for your vagina that plays The Goop Lab and Sliding Doors on loop
- At-home cosmetic vaginoplasty
- Vagina vacations
- Beyond Burgers for your vagina
- A vagina vape
The show premieres January 24.