The Goopiest Goops in Goop's 2019 Holiday Gift Guide

Illustration for article titled The Goopiest Goops in Goops 2019 Holiday Gift Guide
Image: Goop

Every year I await Goop’s—and by loose extension—Gwyneth Paltrow’s annual holiday gift guide. I’m delighted by the absurd display of disposable wealth; it leaves me with a deep sense of self-satisfaction from knowing that yeah, you should absolutely eat the rich. This year, however, Goop has pivoted to self-awareness, breaking up its suggestions into categories like “The Under-$100 Gift Guide.” 

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Uh, when did I sign up for this? “The Ridiculous but Awesome Gift Guide” has all the good stuff—like a reservation for a trip to space, flight suit training, and a $130 joint roller when there are still mass marijuana-related incarcerations targeting people of color in this country—but dubbing it “ridiculous” ruins the fun. I liked it better when they didn’t know they were stupid and gratuitous. So, instead, let’s look at the goopiest Goops in the Goop gift guide.

1.) Goop

Illustration for article titled The Goopiest Goops in Goops 2019 Holiday Gift Guide
Screenshot: Goop
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This goop, which bares a striking resemblance to hummus, costs as much as a therapy session.

2.) Goop

Illustration for article titled The Goopiest Goops in Goops 2019 Holiday Gift Guide
Screenshot: Goop

Now this is one of your classic goops—viscous, shiny, cool to the touch. You’ll pay for it, but it’s a true goop.

3.) Goop

Illustration for article titled The Goopiest Goops in Goops 2019 Holiday Gift Guide
Screenshot: Goop
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Nothing says Goop like packaging that allows you to view the goop in its natural resting place. A 10/10 goop.

4.) Goop

“sexy,” it said “grounding and subtly sexy.”
“sexy,” it said “grounding and subtly sexy.”
Screenshot: Goop
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Call it personal preference, but I prefer my goops not to share a textural similarity with sand. However: Goop.com says it is “delightfully unscented,” and I find that to be aspirational. Goop-y, indeed.

5.) Goop

Illustration for article titled The Goopiest Goops in Goops 2019 Holiday Gift Guide
Screenshot: Goop
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This goop is 89 percent total organic content. The other 11 percent? Plastic collected from disposable straws responsible for the murder of baby sea turtles.

6.) Goop

Illustration for article titled The Goopiest Goops in Goops 2019 Holiday Gift Guide
Screenshot: Goop
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But................. for men. That’s progress, that’s Goop.


That’s it. Those are the goops. Happy holidays, from me, the moist amorphous solids, and GP.

Senior Writer, Jezebel. My debut book, LARGER THAN LIFE: A History of Boy Bands, is out now.

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DISCUSSION

pinkbunnyhat
Cheers Pink Ears!

Wild Dandelions huh? Is there such a thing as domesticated dandelions? Should I just start rubbing dandelions from my yard on my face? Or do they have to be from one specific place in Wyoming to “detoxify” And what is lactic acid supposed to do for the outside of your body? I don’t think it’s going to burn carbohydrates being washed off.

Apropos of nothing, I’m amused that I keep typing dandeloins.