Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

The Goopiest Goops in Goop's 2019 Holiday Gift Guide

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Image: Goop

Every year I await Goop’s—and by loose extension—Gwyneth Paltrow’s annual holiday gift guide. I’m delighted by the absurd display of disposable wealth; it leaves me with a deep sense of self-satisfaction from knowing that yeah, you should absolutely eat the rich. This year, however, Goop has pivoted to self-awareness, breaking up its suggestions into categories like “The Under-$100 Gift Guide.” 

Uh, when did I sign up for this? “The Ridiculous but Awesome Gift Guide” has all the good stuff—like a reservation for a trip to space, flight suit training, and a $130 joint roller when there are still mass marijuana-related incarcerations targeting people of color in this country—but dubbing it “ridiculous” ruins the fun. I liked it better when they didn’t know they were stupid and gratuitous. So, instead, let’s look at the goopiest Goops in the Goop gift guide.

1.) Goop

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This goop, which bares a striking resemblance to hummus, costs as much as a therapy session.

2.) Goop

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Now this is one of your classic goops—viscous, shiny, cool to the touch. You’ll pay for it, but it’s a true goop.

3.) Goop

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Nothing says Goop like packaging that allows you to view the goop in its natural resting place. A 10/10 goop.

4.) Goop

“sexy,” it said “grounding and subtly sexy.”
“sexy,” it said “grounding and subtly sexy.”
Screenshot: Goop
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Call it personal preference, but I prefer my goops not to share a textural similarity with sand. However: Goop.com says it is “delightfully unscented,” and I find that to be aspirational. Goop-y, indeed.

5.) Goop

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This goop is 89 percent total organic content. The other 11 percent? Plastic collected from disposable straws responsible for the murder of baby sea turtles.

6.) Goop

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But................. for men. That’s progress, that’s Goop.


That’s it. Those are the goops. Happy holidays, from me, the moist amorphous solids, and GP.