Coachella 2023, Weekend 1: All the Celeb Looks Now Probably Caked in Dust

Like an ex determined to creep back into your life after you’ve muted them on every existing social media channel, I regret to inform you that Coachella has yet again seeped into the public consciousness against our will.

Once a fever dream for hypebeasts and founding Instagram influencers alike, Indio’s historic music festival now feels more akin to a spon-con-apalooza than a legitimate cultural event. But that doesn’t mean we can’t get our regularly scheduled voyeurism programming on! The festival’s first weekend, which featured global artists like Bad Bunny, BLACKPINK, Rosalía, Becky G, Charli XCX, Sofi Tukker, and more, gave us sweet revenge, romantic reunions, Post Malone playing the acoustic guitar, and Bad Bunny on a jet ski.

If nothing else, Coachella’s annual romp in the desert always promises a spectacle of attempted taste, regrettable decisions made beneath the shade of the Sahara tent, and early-onset tendonitis.

So please, join us as we recount the (mostly) painfully mid-looks and mourn celebrities’ ability to ruffle some palm leaves. We will be blowing our vape smoke exclusively up the asses of those who did the desert deliciously dirty (I counted four). All other attempts at fashion shall be shunned to the non-VIP sections of the festival.

I’m embarrassed to admit how much I love this woman’s style. She is one of the few influencers with enough personality and taste to ascend to the ranks of those famous for a legitimate reason—and both of these outfits prove exactly why that is. Y2K Lara Croft in the desert? Cherry Cola red loafers? No one does effortless cool like Emma.

I guess if you’re Hailey Bieber, you can wear whatever you want to a party in the desert comprised mostly of wannabe starfuckers. She looks cool, although if I were as rich as this woman, I’d ditch the belly chains and go for something more ostentatious (this outfit also begs the age-old question: Is she fashionable, or is she just a thin, conventionally attractive white woman?!).

The singer was spotted at Levi’s Neon Carnival co-hosted by Don Julio on Saturday. Look, I know that Coachella is technically out West, but we didn’t necessarily have to go for a full Western, muddy cowboy look here. Maybe it was a personal request from Shawn? WHO KNOWS?

Okay, now we’re talking! Chains, cotton candy hair, claws, and curve-hugging denim. Coachella Valley demanded a modicum of style from all the Earth tones and flowy skirts, and Saweetie swooped in to save them all.

This “Motomami” not only performed on the main stage on Saturday night (as is her God-given right), but found a moment in between the madness to traipse around the campgrounds looking like an angelic mirage.

The Revenge tour continues as the Vanderpump Rules star—and the shining center of #Scandoval—arrived at the Celsius Coachella party. Radar Online also noted that Madix posted an Instagram story of herself nuzzling up next to fitness coach Daniel Wai. Whether this tall drink of muscle milk is a friend or a special someone remains to be seen, but either way, after what Tom Sandoval has put her through, Madix deserves to be surrounded by people with body-ody-odies.

It appears the trend of see-through garments is going nowhere, and I, for one, am thrilled about this. This ensemble was already a win for me, but the tasteful dino stompers really sealed the deal.