Breaking: Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright's Home Is Actually Tasteful?

I haven’t attempted to rewatch Vanderpump Rules from the beginning, but I imagine if I did, Jax Taylor’s transformation from bad boy into bad-boy-his-friends-and-family-are-convinced-is-a-good-boy would strike me as even more preposterous than it already does. It’s unbelievable that Brittany Cartwright forgave him for his infidelity as many times as she did, and even more inconceivable that they went through with their wedding last month at the Kentucky Castle in her home state, just outside of Lexington.

Most Bravo television requires its viewers to spend their understanding of reality, but perhaps never as much as it does when it comes to Jax. That is all to say: Variety posted pictures of the couple’s first home, a $1.91 million, 3,765 square feet, 5 bedroom, 5.5 bathroom home in Valley Glen, California, the Los Angeles suburbs of the San Fernando Valley, and it is shockingly tasteful. Perhaps Jax really has changed, and I’m bitter that the only remaining villain on Vanderpump Rules is English DJ James Kennedy, a 20-something who continuously refers to himself as “the white Kanye West,” even after everyone decided Ye has terrible politics.

Let’s just look at the house, huh? Keep in mind that it is obnoxiously close to both Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz’s new homes, too.

Upon entry, guests will find “a combination living and dining room with a fireplace and wide-plank wood floors,” according to Variety. That ain’t nothing compared to the “snazzy, herringbone pattern marble tile backsplashes and an expensive array of name-brand appliances, the kitchen is open over a large island to an informal dining area and family room that spills out to the backyard through a floor-to-ceiling bank of glass panels that vanish into the walls.” I have much too student debt to totally understand what all that means, but I wager it’s something close “nice” and “pretty.” Look:

Wow.

Check out that pool and additional cabana in the back. Why go to Las Vegas when your backyard is essentially a vacation?

It’s obscene, really.

When I first saw the room above, I thought, “what a beautiful and modest master.” Then I saw this:

I’m confident my one-bedroom apartment could fit inside of this room? That’s not even including the balcony, which I’m much too upset to talk about.

With a tub like that, I’d give up my partying ways, too.

Good job, Bax or Jrittany, whatever the ship name is. I’m proud of you, but mostly envious of your home.