The Toms Are Moving on Up

By Maria Sherman | May 1, 2019 | 5:30pm

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Things are looking peachy-keen for Vanderpump Rules cast members named Tom. Sandoval and Schwartz opened their first bar, TomTom, last summer—it’s still mostly owned and operated by Lisa Vanderpump, but that doesn’t make them anything less than partners. This year, both Toms, along with Sandoval’s girlfriend Ariana and Schwartz’s’s wife Katie, purchased their first homes. Which one is better? So glad you asked. Let’s take a look.

Back in February, Sandoval and Madix reportedly dropped $2 million on a 4,453 square foot, five bedroom, 5.5 bathroom home in Valley Village, California (about eight miles north of TomTom.) According to Variety, the home boasts “a spacious combination living and dining room with 10-foot ceilings, honey-colored wide-plank wood floors, a generically minimalistic fireplace and a horizontally paneled accent wall painted a dark, decoratively trendy shade of charcoal,” and an open eat-in kitchen “over a marble-topped center island snack bar,” and “a family room with a buff-colored stacked stone fireplace between open shelving.” The home also features “a 16 foot wide bank of nearly floor-to-ceiling glass sliders slip into the wall and merge the expansive space with the backyard.”

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Maybe if I were wealthy, I’d have a better (re: any) understanding of what those words mean, because right now it translates to “beautiful rich shit I definitely feel envy over” and “unnecessarily large.” Allow pictures to clarify those tricky descriptions a bit:

Who doesn’t like being outside and inside at the same time?

Unfortunately, I love this master bedroom, even with its god-awful lighting fixture.

Two ovens? That’s how the other half lives—like they’ve taken up permanent residence in the Bon Appétit test kitchen.

I would probably murder someone for that tub, but the fact that the mirror over the vanity is positioned too far to the right is stressing me out.

Good news for the happy couple: when the unideal makeup situation makes them break out in hives, they can wash away their anxieties in the fucking waterfall in their backyard. Don’t even ask me about the adjacent, built-in grilling station. Is it too late to change careers and pivot to reality television?

That said, in April, photos of Schwartz and Maloney-Schwartzy abode began cropping up on Instagram Stories across Vanderpump Rules’ cast members’ accounts. It’s not much to go off of just yet—but it certainly looks giant.

Big open spaces, hard wood floors, so far, so good. Their only mistake was probably letting Kristen Doute into the building.

Screenshot:Kristen Doute/Tom Schwartz Instagram

I love the open kitchen and that real wood fireplace.

And the tub and the pool, which is nearly identical to the Sandoval/Madix tub and pool? They’re grrrreat!

Judging by these blurry images, I expect the Schwartz home to be a bit more rustic/industrial than Sandoval and Madix’s mid-century modern, crisp minimal look? In which case… I might actually prefer the Schwartz home. That is, unless they make it look like their old living room, which was a monstrosity full of heinous art. Sorry, but it is true. The Bubba graffiti piece? Yikes.