39 Crazy Christmas Ornaments To Make You Dread The Season

Summer’s basically over, which means Christmas is right around the corner. That is, according to the folks at Bronner’s: This catalog arrived in the mail right before the Labor Day weekend.

Inside, you’ll find extraordinary ornaments to hang on your tree for a couple of weeks, and forget about while they stay boxed in a closet for 11 months of the year!

Bronner’s is pretty famous, and we’ve covered it once or twice before. To me, it is just a catalog. But if you’re lucky, you’ve visited the headquarters in Frankenmuth, Michigan, like our own Jessica Coen. “It’s huge,” she reports. “And located at 25 Christmas Lane.” That’s CHRISTmas lane, actually. Bronner’s likes to make sure you know you can’t have Christmas without Christ.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. And he was in and around the Sinai Peninsula in 1 B.C., wearing a fur-trimmed red suit, and stopped by the stables when little Jésus Cristo was born. True story!

Hello Kitty is becoming quite the little opportunist. Seriously. Is there anything she won’t do?

An aligator wearing a tutu? No problem. Very cute. But the baton looks like a shower curtain rod. Did they have one of those in the manger?

Scenes from a confused childhood:
“Mommy, were there dinosaurs in the garden of Eden? Did Adam and Eve ride them?”
“It’s past your bedtime, honey. Brush your teeth.”

This page is awesome. If you like camping, log cabins, mushrooms and RVs, you’ll LOVE Bigfoot!

“Jesus Built My Hot Rod” isn’t just a song, you know. There is such a thing as the Chrsitian Hot Rod Association. FYI.

Ornaments can be really cool, especially when they’re shaped like cute little things. But this “swimming pool” is just a blue, poorly-painted rectangle. Yawn.

Yes. Thank you. Cupckaes, ice cream and cheesecake, Nom nom nom.

Pancakes! Chinese food! Pizza! Yum.

It’s tough to decide which is stranger: The police badge with the Star of David? The ambulance? The drunk Santa leaning on a mailbox to keep from collapsing in a booze-soaked haze?

Speaking of booze… If you’re going to hang gin on your tree, you may as well splurge on real liquor. Pretty sure you can get almost a dozen airline-sized mini bottles for less than the price of this ornament ($19.99). And there’s nothing wrong with having flammable liquid near Christmas tree lights, right? Right?

Bronner’s totally embraces people from other cultures, like Jews and spring break sorority girls.

But nothing says “Happy Birthday, Jesus!” like a piece of glass imported from Poland and painted to look like a dead roasted bird. Joy to the world!

Bronner’s [Official Site]

Earlier: Order Now For A Christmas Full Of Respect!
9 More Weird Christmas Ornaments From Bronner’s
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11 New Weird Christmas Ornaments From Bronner’s