Where Is She?

Kim Kardashian has a little something to share. It’s a sweet, tender sentiment that undoubtedly comes straight from the heart, meant to grace our eyes and fill us with warmth through these trying times; a gentle reminder that somewhere in the vast sprawl of Los Angeles County, Kim Kardashian is thinking about us.

“Just a message to say I love you guys all so much!” Kardashian tweeted (and posted on Instagram).

Kim... thank you. But, uh, where the hell are you?


This room seems out of place in the eerily white and menstruation-unfriendly Kardashian-West home, so where is she taking these thirst traps with her lil’ handbag? A sad, windowless lawyer’s office? A hotel room? A new walk-in pantry? Girl, where are you?

Staff writer, mint chocolate hater.

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Arcanum Five

She doesn’t know. Her house is huge and she’s a moron, so she got lost.

She has a purse with some survival makeup in it and a bottle of something to drink, so she’s not desperate yet, but within a couple days, her Instagrams will grow increasingly urgent. Kanye will ask Donald Trump (Impeached) for help and by Monday, search parties will be dispatched. By Tuesday, Elon Musk will have built them a metal safety cage and called one of the rescuers a pedophile.

On Wednesday, they’ll find her in a small office-type room just off the living room in the main house. She’ll be weak and dehydrated, but alive. Medical rehydration doesn’t work on her species, but she’ll be fully rejuvenated when they place her in front of a mirror and point a camera at her. She’ll share her brush with death in an emotional series of Instagrams.