Vacuum Therapy Is the Most Horrific Way to Get the Butt Of Your Dreams

If you want to live your best butt but don’t want to deal with all the pesky side effects of implants (look, they flip!), there’s a new way for you to get your ass in gear. It’s called vacuum therapy and it’s what it sounds like: absolutely horrifying.

According to Uproxx, vacuum therapy is often used for things not related to the posterior, like dealing with the bags under one’s eyes (gotta check into that) or erectile dysfunction (not that one, though!). While the procedure is allegedly painless, the kind of vacuum therapy done for the butt involves placing plastic cups on the butt and then sucking at them until your ass looks the way you want it. All I can think of is those sweater-savers they used to sell on TV where you would put pounds and pounds of clothes into a bag and then suck all the air out of the bag, and then sometimes the bags would explode.

Real question: do butts explode?

I’m going to show you a video of the procedure now, and you should note that it is a) not safe for work and b) probably a huge lie because the woman having her fanny sucked into place sounds like she is in a lot of discomfort while claiming not to be. Here it is:

The video is captioned:

Did alway want that’s nice round buttocks well we can do the Job giving you that’s nice buttocks you always wanted, Vaccum therapy raise, Enlarge and reaffirm the gluteus without surgeries‼️yes I said it without surgeries #bodysculpting #spa #sculptinggoddess#laserlipo #we #here #book #us”

To be honest, this does not inspire a lot of confidence.

Here’s a before and after:

Interested parties can book their own “butt sculpting” appointments at Miami’s Sculpting Goddess, which promises that vacuum therapy will “break down cellulite and fatty deposits, eliminating toxins. also restore the skin’s natural elasticity. Raises, enlargens and reaffirms the gluteus. Soften skin for those with butt shots. Decrease muscle tension.”

I just like to think that reaffirming the gluteus has something to do with shouting affirmations at it while the vacuum sucks it into shape. “You’re the best butt! You’re the cutest butt! You’re the butt that gets shit done!”