Tom Cruise Has Reportedly Scared the Shit out of Everyone Left on the Mission: Impossible Set

Illustration for article titled Tom Cruise Has Reportedly Scared the Shit out of Everyone Left on the Mission: Impossible Set
Image: ANDREA PATTARO/AFP (Getty Images)

Mr. Tom “I Probably Wore a Fake Ass” Cruise spent most of December screaming at the crew of the latest Mission Impossible movie about violating social distancing measures, then dealing with blowback from the leaked audio of his screams. I understand that Tommy is very concerned with “safety” and also with making sure that he can continue to mince around speedboats and do stunts on tall buildings for the rest of his life. If this is the case, I wish him the best of luck, because it sounds like the people still working with him are sort of terrified.

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According to sources in Us Weekly, those who did not get fired from the set of Mission Impossible: Still Impossible, Still a Mission, Still Trying!** are now “walking on eggshells” around Mr. Temper-pants, living in fear of another expletive-laden scream time. “They believe it had a lot to do with his ego,” the source said.”Good intentions aside, he didn’t need to rant and rave the way he did.” Us Weekly also notes that Cruise allegedly paid $656,000 of his own money to house the crew on cruise ships, which is nice if true. However, please remember that $665,000 is a drop in the bucket for this man, whose net worth is an estimated $570 million. Again, I’m not saying that it’s NOT nice that he paid his own money to house the crew so the movie didn’t shut down, but making a big deal out of that point is stupid because, again, Tom Cruise makes more money than most of us will see or touch in our lifetimes.

Anyway! That’s the tea. Mr. Big Yelling Man has sufficiently scared the shit out of everyone that’s left on set, but it’s okay because he is trying to keep them safe. This has absolutely nothing to do with his ego, how dare you suggest such a thing! Tom Cruise has NO ego! Tom Cruise wants to make movies for you and also for Xenu!! Certainly wouldn’t yell and scream at a bunch of people trying to do a job in order to churn up publicity and keep his name in the press!! No! Couldn’t be! [Us Weekly]

**Not the name of the movie, but it should be.


Okay, let’s have it, here’s some nice news for a woman who might not deserve it, but it’s the HOLIDAYS and there is still a fucking pandemic, and I don’t have the energy to be whatever.

That is Teresa Giudice, if you weren’t sure (I was, but also, I wasn’t). The gentleman with the big meaty paw who is grabbin’ her waist is Luis Ruelas, a businessman in the business of giving the business to Tre, ayyyyyyy!!!

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Hm, I’m sorry. It’s been a long year. That man and Teresa Giudice are Instagram-official and if he makes Teresa as happy as pignoli cookies do, then that’s all I want. [People]


  • Sure, why not, I’ll have a little glass of burgeoning beef between Eminem and Snoop Dogg. [Hollywood Life]
  • Uh oh, did Prince William and Kate Middleton break lockdown?? [Page Six]
  • Maybe you will find this unnecessary slideshow of Stassi Schroeder’s pregnancy journey as riveting as I did. [Us Weekly]

Senior Writer, Jezebel

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Cheers Pink Ears!

In other movie titles that should exist, Fast 10: Your Seat Belt

If they call it anything else, it will be a crime.