This Week In Tabloids: Sandra's Husband Had An Affair; Justin Might Be Cheating On Jessica

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I judge Star, In Touch, Us, Life & Style and Ok!. This week: Sandra Bullock’s husband is having an affair; Jen’s getting artificially inseminated and Tinsley Mortimer is a hair model!

Ok!
“Ten Lbs. In 10 Days!”
Margaret learned that Kendra’s diet plan includes eating a bowl of cereal for breakfast, toast for lunch, and raw vegetables and a small piece of chicken breast for dinner. Snooze. (And how is this an exclusive if we already saw her pouring corn flakes into a blender and she already told us how she lost 25 lbs in 8 weeks?) Even though we previously read that this woman felt bad about her body and wanted a breast reduction, this week she’s “in her sexiest shape ever!” In other news: Emma Roberts and Taylor Lautner may be dating… because at the Vanity Fair Oscar party they talked for 40 minutes with her hand on his knee! Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are definitely planning to have another baby, but he says getting pregnant has to be Katie’s decision. How noble! “Though they love his adopted son Connor, Tom must want a biological son to pass on the gene pool,” says a source. In an interview, when asked if she thinks it’s possible for exes to get back together, Jennifer Aniston said yes. So the headline here is “Jen’s Message To Brad.” A source says: “In her heart, Jen has always felt that Brad’s relationship with Angelina is just a very passionate fling.” Five years and six kids is a fling? We are literally ROTFL over here! Cameron Diaz fought the studio to get her ex, Justin Timberlake, in the movie Bad Teacher — an insider says Cameron “really pushed it.”Apparently they wanted Bradley Cooper, Paul Rudd or some other “real actor,” but Cam convinced them JT would be great. She also asked for the love scenes to be rewritten so that they are “even juicier” and “longer.”
Grade: F (ANTM reject)

Us
“Growing Up Too Fast.”
This cover story is all about how celebrity kids live luxurious lives. Suri Cruise is “a little adult whose parents don’t talk down to her.” She is also a “Pellegrino-sipping girl” who “travels in private jets and chauffeured cars.” Honor Warren (Jessica Alba’s daughter) is 21 months old, and has a $120 Bonpoint cardigan. Madonna’s daughter Mercy James has a $128 Stella McCartney for Gap blazer and a $235 D&G bag. Nahla Aubry has a $135 Bonpoint blouse; Matilda Ledger has a Petite Bateau rain jacket which retails at $120. The mag points out that Suri once wore a $635 Holmes & Yang dress, but since her mom designed it, we doubt she paid for it. Next: Justin Timberlake was at Tao in Las Vegas on March 10, and a cocktail waitress had her hands on his chest, under his jacket. The lady’s name is Joey Williams, and she’s brown with dark hair. A friend of Justin’s swears she’s not his type: “He’s into athletic tomboyish white girls.” So that’s settled. Kate Winslet agreed to shoot the miniseries Mildred Pierce in NYC, but Sam Mendes wanted to stay in the UK. “Kate told Sam, ‘Your career is not more important than mine,'” says a source. Hence the split. Last week, one tabloid had the word “ditched” on a story about Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick; now she sets the record straight, saying “We are tired of the lies… [our baby] brought us together. Our relationship is stronger.” Kim adds: “They are so in love.” Whatever! Lastly: There’s nothing new in the four-page story about Corey Haim.
Grade: D- (car show model)

Life & Style
“Corey’s Final Days.”
There are lots of old pictures of Corey Haim and details about all the times he went into rehab here, if you are interested. Moving on: Justin Timberlake “humiliated” Jessica Biel by hanging out with a Vegas cocktail waitress (see image 7). A “witness” says “She had dark curly hair, and big boobs — of course.” There’s a picture of the lady in question here and her rack is not that big, but let’s continue. The source says: “He looked like he was definitely out to hook up.” Mmkay? Kate Gosselin has been spending “late nights with a married man,” and guess what? He’s her Dancing With The Stars partner, Tony Dovolani. They went to a 7:45 showing of Alice In Wonderland, and Tony didn’t get back to his hotel until 5:30 am. Tori Spelling’s marriage is “in crisis.” She’s “grown tired” of single-handedly supporting the family — in addition to supporting Dean’s pricey hobby, motorcycle racing. Apparently Dean “has very little money of his own.” In a story about how Beyoncé and her mom are “praying for a baby,” the caption reads: “Beyoncé looked a tad bumpy in a stunning frock.” (See image 8). Is a “tad” bumpy like “a little pregnant”? Next: Heidi and Spencer might have been “brainwashed” by their mystic spiritual adviser Aidan Chase. A source says “no one can talk any sense into them” and “this guy is feeding them spiritual guidance and it’s all they’re living their lives by now.” Apparently Spencer has spent around $500,000 on crystals this year and now signs his emails “pure love and light.” Unsolicited uterus update: Jennifer Aniston is “determined” to become a mom in 2010. She’s been talking to fertility experts about intra-uterine insemination and is “on the hunt” for a sperm donor. Tally ho! Bethenny Frankel says her wedding to Jason Hoppy is “just around the corner” and she’ll get married before she gives birth. Breaking “Celebrity Scandal”: Lady Gaga is “not that original.” (see image9) Rihanna spends $2300 a day to stay fit: the personal trainer is $1500 a day; the private chef is $800. Lastly: We present, without comment, the most high society thing we’ve ever seen: Tinsley Mortimer, hair model (see image 10).
Grade: D (hair model)

Star
“Billion Dollar Babies!”
Here we have 8 pages of celebrity baby pictures and tidbits about their lives. For instance: Jennifer Lopez’s kids have matching Burberry swimsuits and butlers in tuxedos who serve them on the finest china. Tom and Katie have a live-in chef, who is “frequently roused in the wee hours” when Suri wants freshly-baked cookies or a burger. Brad and Angie have psychologist Dr. Jane Aaronson on speed-dial, and Brad bought Shiloh a $28,000 custom-made suit of armor, so she can play Knights Of The Round Table. Awesome. Oh, and Knox Jolie-Pitt has a $600 leather jacket. Nahla has never had fast food or soda, because Halle Berry has a private chef who only makes her organic and healthy food. What is childhood without chicken nuggets!?!? Kourtney Kardashian has spent $100,000 on photo shoots for her son Mason. On to other news: Eli Roth and Peaches Geldof are totes dating. Billy Corgan taught Jessica Simpson how to play chess, and they have been meeting for weekly matches — though she has never beat him. Blind item! “Which comic and former TV star gets his kicks by calling phone sex lines? A neighbor mistakenly got his phone bill and saw over a thousand dollars in charges. What’s the deal with that?” This spread called “Gender Bending” turns Brad Pitt into woman and Angelina Jolie into a man. (See image 11) Kendra’s E! True Hollywood Story will reveal that she first did coke at 13, and OD’d in her sophomore year of high school. “I was bleeding from every hole in my body,” she says. “I really thought I was going to die that night.” Lastly, this report claims that in Vegas, Justin was flirting with two sexy go-go dancers (one of whom was the previously mentioned Joey Williams) and took them up to his room for a “sexy late night after party.” Sexy sex sex sex! Do you have to RSVP to a sexy late night party? Oh: Two nights later he was seen surrounded by women again, when he partied with Jon Hamm in L.A. We want to hear more about that!
Grade: D (foot model)

In Touch
“The Ultimate Betrayal!”
Michelle “Bombshell” McGee claims that she has been having an 11-month affair with Jesse James, who is married to Sandra Bullock. This was happening while Sandy was filming The Blind Side. Michelle is a tattoo model, and contacted James about appearing in West Coast Chopper ads. They met; he gave her a tour of the shop, and then they went into his office and ended up on the couch. She said: “What’s going on with you and Sandra?” He said: “She doesn’t live here. She has a house in Austin. She’s filming, and I can’t talk about it.” Shady! Then the mag prints this sentence: “Michelle continued talking to Jesse, she says, and then after ripping off her spandex pants, ‘We had intimate relations.'” Michelle claims that she and Jesse hooked up in the office a few times, and spills that he doesn’t doesn’t wear underwear — or condoms, and she nicknamed him “Vanilla Gorilla,” because he was so well endowed. When she told him that the sex couch in his office was “nasty,” he bought a new one, and, she says, “That was very tender of him.” He loved performing oral sex on her, and dug when she wore a pair of black patent leather pumps while they were doing it. Michelle adds: “I would never have hooked up with him if I thought he was a married man. He gave me the impression they were separated.” Jesse is allegedly still texting her, BTW (see image 12). Moving along: Vienna from The Bachelor was “secretly horrified” by recent pictures of herself and is hoping to score some free surgeries from Heidi Montag’s doctor. On the spread called “40 & Fab!,” Mariah Carey, Jen Aniston and Gwen Stefani are called “cougars.” In Justin Timberlake news, this report claims that when JT was in Vegas, he was “acting single” and wasn’t answering Jessica’s calls. A “friend” says: “Justin wants out [of the relationship with Jessica], but he doesn’t have the heart to break up with her.” Finally: Mackenzie Phillips had a $50,000 plastic surgery makeover with no pain medication and “invited” the mag along (see image 13). She got Botox, Restylane and extensive dental work, and says she “felt insecure” after someone posted a picture of a horse with her name under it on Facebook. She had 40 hours of dental work with only Advil and Novocaine. After she got clean, she says, “I felt like someone new on the inside, but I was still wearing the ravages of that old life on the outside. It’s interesting to have the chance to have my insides and outsides match.”
Grade: C (tattoo model)