This Week In Tabloids: Kate Middleton Got Knocked Up After Watching Hot Sweaty Olympic Athletes
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Intern Tanisha assists as we attempt to fly the friendly skies of gossip onboard the econojets of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, a 2008 photo of Jessica Simpson once again masquerades itself as a current image; Michelle Obama tells us 25 adorable facts; and Kate Middleton is officially unofficially pregnant with an heir to the throne. Again.
Ok!
“At Home With Baby!”
Though never setting foot in the pint-size family’s home (Snooki gave the official baby cover to People), you can still find some important details regarding Snooki’s newborn baby, Lorenzo. Gems like: “his favorite song is ‘We Found Love’ by Rihanna-and she has all these cute nicknames: Honey Potski, Rudgibannochki, and when he’s crying too much, she calls him Rotten Rotinski! But her favorite thing to call him is ‘gorgeous handsome little man.'” Also, the baby already has over 30 teddy bears and has a leopard-print and blue room. (Fig. 1) Speaking of divas in animal print, poor pretty princess Kim Kardashian was told to get a job by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce and she has taken that advice to heart. Kim is hell-bent on growing her net worth from a measely $38 million to $50 million, with plans on expanding her beauty and clothing brands into Europe and Asia, and taking on acting roles. Meanwhile, if Amber Portwood dies in prison, a Portwood family insider wants you to know that it is Amber’s baby-daddy, Gary, who did it! Amber’s tooth infection has been sensationalized into a life-threatening crisis brought on by Amber’s ex refusing to send her money to buy Orajel. And finally, Jennifer Aniston is set to reveal to the world that Brad Pitt got all of the fun and personality in their 2005 divorce when she appears on Chelsea Lately this fall, for a “tell all” interview in which she will bring a goofy engagement gift, share a funny story about Justin, talk about pretty white dresses and refuse to talk about sex, the proposal or Brangelina.
Grade: F- (grounded and placed on no-fly list)
Life & Style
“Jessica Loses 40lbs. In Fourth Months: I Did It!”
This story is, in a word, garbage. The four-day-old donut of tabloid journalism. That photo? It’s from 2008. The color of the dress waas changed in post-production, but it’s the same dress, same earrings, same hair. That’s what her body looked like 4 years ago. (And Ok! ran that same dress on their cover in May.) The story? Indirect quotes and old, out-of-context quotes. And the info that a slimmed down Jessica will debut her slimmer body on Katie Couric’s new talk show, on September 10th. In the meantime, you can consume Weight Watchers propaganda and learn about how Jessica has become a cheerleader to her local Weight Watches group, even buying them pedometers. Lest you not get your fill of body-dismorphia-inducing post-baby news, Tia Mowry shares that when she didn’t immediately lose the baby-weight after giving birth to her son Cree, she went to the doctor in a tizzy, asking “Women in magazines look perfect, why don’t I?” To which the doctor probably face-palmed, and then told her that losing pregnancy weight takes time. Medical insurance well-used! Speaking of face-palming and weight-loss: LeAnn Rimes is taking a page out of the ol’ Demi Moore “How to Keep a Husband” handbook and has taken getting super skinny, partying and trying to seem effortlessly and playfully sexy way too far. In other news, Giuliana and Bill Rancic are now the proud parents of a bouncing baby boy and are sharing the most important details of parenthood, like what make-up will last all day, how to make the perfect busy mom ponytail, and which texturizing hairspray saves you from having to wash your hair! These are all tips that will come in handy if you are set on becoming Tom Cruise’s next baby-mama, as several pictures of Tom posing with female fans are used as undeniable proof that he’s on the prowl for a new wife. Finally, Ke$ha has gone through an “amazing” transformation: She traded her dumpster-dive duds for the ever-classy and stylish jeans and a hoody. AMAZING. (Fig. 2)
Grade: F (detained at security for 3 hours)
In Touch
“Teen Mom Shockers: Wedding! Baby! Breakup!”
Slow news week? This issue reports on non-existent Teen Mom weddings, babies and breakups, beats a horse named Robsten to death and hangs a vacancy sign on Torri Spelling’s uterus instead of breaking any real news. Catelynn and Tyler have decided that they will get married in a Renaissance-themed ceremony in Michigan on July 13, 2013. Maci Bookout dumped Kyle King, her boyfriend of two years, after she found out that he had been talking to a few of his exes, but has since taken him back. Single Farrah Abraham can’t wait to have more babies, and Amber Portwood is still in jail. Yawn. In other news, if you didn’t think that the whole Robsten break up was high school enough, Liberty Ross played “pass it on” and had a friend tell Rob that she’s there for him — all the while, Katy Perry and Rihanna are texting him flirty little notes and waiting by his locker after class. Speaking of class, the Jenner girls don’t have any. Kylie and Kendall Jenner will be home-schooled in order to accommodate their super busy schedule of photo shoots and television spots. In “Icons and Idols of 2012” news, Nicki Minaj would die if she woke up as the same person[ality] everyday, Frank Ocean’s music is immortal, Rihanna is turning fashion designer and reality show producer, and Drake drops some knowledge as he strokes his ego, stating, “I’m the first person to successfully rap and sing”. Apparently, emo-esque whispering is now considered singing. Meanwhile, Kate Middleton is suspected of having had “cosmetic reinforcement” and fillers to prevent her old, raggedy, 30 year old face from falling down, according to a doctor who has not treated the Duchess of Premature Crowsfeet. (Fig. 3)
Grade: F+ (permission to fly after cavity search)
Us
“America’s Hottest Mom!”
Breaking: Beyoncé is pretty and has great fashion sense. There are four pages dedicated to her “best-dressed year yet.” And then, pages 88 through 138 are all just fashion-oriented spreads for the “Fall Style Special.” Still, there’s some gossip in this issue: Rita Ora is copying Rihanna, ensemble by ensemble. (Fig. 4) Taylor Swift’s song about never ever getting back together is about Jake Gyllenhaal, and the video features an actor who looks a little like Mr. Donnie Darko. Jennie Garth and Jennifer Lopez are “Fit Over 40!” so congrats to them. Since post-partum women must be monitored, lest they do something approaching relaxing or having fun, know this: Jessica Simpson’s days are filled with flatbread, egg whites and crunches. (Fig. 5) LeAnn Rimes is “falling apart” because she thinks Eddie Cibrian might be cheating on her — she keeps reading rumors online, and has started believing them. And since he cheated on his ex-wife with her, well… Last, but not least: Michelle Obama does “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me.” She loves French fries, she skipped the second grade, and sometimes she lets Bo sleep in the bed! (Fig. 6)
Grade: C (2 hour delay due to weather)
Star
“Kate’s Pregnant.”
It’s truly fascinating how the mag can print the words “it’s official” when it is not, in fact, official. Also, that arrow pointing to a wrinkle in Kate’s dress proves absolutely nothing. Then again, last year, Star claimed that Kate Middleton had fainted while pregnant with twins, so, toss this news down your throat with a giant grain of salt. “Kate is finally pregnant,” reads the copy, explaining that a “passionate night” in a country house right after the Olympics “did the trick.” Checking out the sweaty, muscled, sinewy bodies and imagining hot interracial international affairs got Kate and Wills a mite randy, you see. And it makes sense, since it’s been scientifically proven that a Tom Daley gif can induce spontaneous ovulation. The mag covers its ass by noting that “an official announcement” may not come for a few months. Still, Kate is already considering names: If it’s a girl, Diana? Although the Queen might insist on the more traditional Victoria, Margaret, Mary or Elizabeth. Also, this LOL sentence: “The queen will probably be told first, once Kate’s pregnancy is confirmed.” Ya think? The sidebar of this story reminds us that Kate’s 31-year-old eggs have almost shriveled up and died, since she is “by far the oldest mother” to ever give birth to a royal heir. (Fig. 7) Hey, as long as shinylocks are hereditary. Moving on! Vanessa Hudgens played a stripper in a Nicolas Cage thriller, Frozen Ground, and she had to ask the directors to keep Nic away from her — he was creeping her out by showing up to the set when he didn’t have scenes to film, just to watch her. Enrique Iglesias’s second hair transplant has failed. He’s been touring with Jennifer Lopez, and her boyfriend Casper The Glory Hole Ghost keeps threatening to snatch Enrique’s hat off during a concert, exposing his chrome dome to fans. Because he is so very mature! Kate Bosworth is engaged, but she is still in love with Alexander Skarsgard, because, have you seen him? A source says: “Whenever she’s with her girlfriends, Alex is alls she wants to talk about.” Makes sense. Katy Perry was seen buying a pregnancy test in a West Hollywood pharmacy, but it was a false alarm and she is not harboring the spawn of John Mayer, so just breathe. Jason Sudeikis is totes in love with Olivia Wilde and wants to marry her. Emma Stone is a 50% tipper, but boyf Andrew Garfield is frugal and thinks she’s wasteful. Jessica Biel is acting like she’s too busy to plan a wedding, but secretly planning a wedding in Italy. In tired old Angelina/Jen feud news: Apparently Brad’s mom Jane Pitt said something to Angie about how she was thrilled for Jen, getting engaged and all. Angelina said, “Hope it lasts, but don’t get your hopes up. Justin’s going to dump Jen.” As for a wedding, Angie said she’d believe in when she saw it. BURN. Of course Jane went and tattled to Jen, and now Jen is in DUN DUN DUN… and “emotional spiral.” Jessica Simpson will appear on Katie Couric’s new talk show on Sept. 10, and she is “praying for a miracle to make her appear thin on TV.” (Fig. 8) Ha! God’s not busy, surely he can work something out? Jessica has been exercising six hours a day and eating nothing and feeling embarrassed and desperate! She plans to wear multiple pairs of Spanx and, an insider says, “is even prepared to completely tape the fatty areas to her body if need be.” Like, duct tape? Yikes. Finally, Lindsay Lohan’s new “assistant,” 25-year-old Gavin Doyle, who was also named as a suspect in a jewelry heist, was once arrested for disorderly conduct and found with three small bags of cocaine in his pocket, as well as a pink crack pipe. And now we know what Lindsay’s “assistants” do.
Grade: C+ (severe turbulence)
Addendum
Figure 1, from Ok!
Figure 2, from Life & Style
Figure 3, from In Touch
Figure 4, from Us
Figure 5, from Us
Figure 6, from Us
Figure 7, from Star
Figure 8, from Star
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