This Week In Tabloids: Kate Middleton Faints From Carrying Imaginary Royal Twins

By Dodai Stewart | November 16, 2011 | 8:00pm

Celebrities

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we rub the swollen bellies of Star, Us, In Touch, Life & Style, and Ok!. This week: Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant, but hoping to announce it with a lucrative photo shoot. Brad and Angelina got married in a fake-ceremony in their backyard, orchestrated by their kids. And Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, is all fainty and glowy from carrying the heir — or heirs — to the throne.

Ok!
“Kris Breaks His Silence: His Side Of The Story.”
Hello misleading cover! Kris Humphries did not, repeat, did NOT speak with a reporter from the magazine. Instead, the quotes in this cover story are from “an insider,” a “pal,” and a “friend.” But let’s just pretend that these nameless souls are actually friends with Kris. What do they say? He’s angry and sad, He didn’t think Kim would file for divorce — he thought in a few weeks things would be smoothed over, and he feels like no one cares what he thinks because they only care about her. Yawn! Let’s move on. The piece titled “Sandra’s Revenge: A New Face!” alleges that Ms. Bullock got a bunch of injectables to freshen up her look. A random doctor who does not treat her says, “It looks like her brows are a little stoic, which can signal Botox.” You guys, stoicism is the new sexyface. The cover says “official announcements,” but the copy states that Carrie Underwood is glowing so maybe she is pregnant. There’s “speculation in her inner circle that she may already be expecting,” but no official announcement, so, you know, more cover lies. Fergie’s “inner circle” also says she is expecting. Does “inner circle” mean “uterus”? In any case, there is also no official announcement for her. Lastly, in Jolie-Pitt news, stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Brad and Angelina had a secret wedding. This is probably the fourth or fifth — that I can remember — but this one took place at the $10 million house in Richmond-On-Thames, England that they’ve been renting while Brad films World War Z. Fantastic fan fic here: Shiloh came up with the idea, see. She and Zahara organized the whole thing and attached real flowers to their white nightgowns so they could be bridesmaids. The kids told a nanny to have mom and dad dress in white and then come outside. Because it was a surprise! “Angie cried when she saw the aisle of leaves they’d made.” Maddox Googled wedding vows and played priest, conducting part of the ceremony in French. Knox and Vivienne were twin ring-bearers, carrying paper wedding bands on bedroom pillows. Amazing. Kudos to the writers. Fiction is your genre!
Grade: F (swollen belly from malnutrition and protein deficiency)

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Life & Style
“Betrayed!”
Apparently Scott “American Psycho” Disick was banned from attending Dancing With The Stars while Kristin Cavallari was on, since they hooked up in 2009, right before Kourtney got pregnant with her and Scott’s child, Mason. A source says Scott and Kristin were hooking up on and off for a year, maybe two. When Scott and Kourt would fight, Scott would party with Kristin — and continue the party, horizontally. In bed. Since they both seem fairly smarmy, we’re willing to believe this. Moving on! Pax might be my new fave Jolie-Pitt — check out that bad-boy haircut — but why did the magazine flip this image of him and his mom? The same image ran in several other mags, with Angie on the left, and her tattoo intact. L&S turned the shot over and erased her ink. Boo. (See Fig. 1) “Is Ashton January’s Baby Daddy?” informs us that Ms. Jones hasn’t “told a soul” who fathered her newborn boy, Xander, but gossip sites and UK rags think the kid’s got Ashton’s DNA. Katie Holmes is jealous of Michelle Williams. They both had premieres on the same day — Jack and Jill and My Week With Marilyn — and clearly, Michelle the wins that battle. Yeesh. Still, Katie feels that she’s just as good an actress as Michelle and has hated her since they were Joey and Jen. Way to hold a grudge, Mrs. Cruise. Dawson’s Weak. Prince Harry is getting ready to “make his move” on Pippa Middleton. “It’s not a case of if with Pippa and Harry, but when,” says a pal. Katy Perry and Russell Brand are going to spend New Year’s in India, where they got married in October 2010, and it will be a “make-or-break vacation.” They’ve been fighting a lot and she’s been touring and everything is a mess and the healing powers of Krishna and a luxury suite in a hotel in Delhi will fix eveything. Finally, Kim Zolciak got married to Kory Biermann amid a flurry of kids and bling and a dog wearing a wig. A dog. Wearing a wig. (See Fig. 2)
Grade: C- (swollen belly from gas)

In Touch
“A Royal Baby!”
Jeez, woman! How many times have you been warned? Never touch your tummy. Or your belt, or the waistband of your jeans. Never hold a shopping bag or large purse in front of you. And do not smile, lest it be interpreted as a glow! Sigh. Anyway. “Kate is around six weeks pregnant,” the magazine claims. And you can blame the queen, who “let Kate know she wanted an heir ASAP, so she’d still be young enough to enjoy a baby.” Here’s how we know she’s knocked up: On November 2, during a trip to Denmark, the Duchess “complained of nausea, avoided alcohol, couldn’t stomach fish — and seemed to be keeping a wonderful secret.” Maybe her “secret” was traveler’s diarrhea? “She had an unmistakable glow about her,” a source says. I have the same thing from time to time, it’s called Guerlain bronzing powder. A wonderful secret! But: Kate had a plastic container of sliced bananas in her bag and “discretely munched on them” during an event, which does sound like something a pregnant lady might do. Or a hungry lady. Kate and William are hoping the kid will be born in June to coincide with the queen’s jubilee festivities. And! They have some names picked out. Edward, Philip or Michael, if it is a boy, and Alice or Rose for a girl. ALL HAIL QUEEN ALICE. If you can’t keep your royals straight, here is a handy chart, in which Prince Harry is on the phone and Camilla is eating some sort of finger sandwich. Pip pip Cheerios! (Fig. 3) Also inside: Suri Cruise had better watch her back: Naleigh Heigl-Kelley has charmed the tabloid editors. (See Fig. 4) Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are moving in together — they checked out a penthouse in a building that over looks Madison Square Park. Kris Humphries’ ex-girlfriend says Kris used to call the Kardashians’ show “garbage,” but that was before he met them, it seems. Russell Brand has a BFF who is a “pretty blonde,” and they hang out all the time and are affectionate with each other and so on so Russell and Katy might be “headed for a split,” since everyone knows men and women cannot be friends.“What Really Happened To Christina’s Face?” is rude. (See Fig. 5) She looks fab, and if she gained some weight, who cares? The copy reads, “The main culprit for her looks? Alcohol.” Really? Then I’m definitely gonna have a few cocktails tonight. The Situation “blew” $10 million by buying diamond chains, a $50,000 Rolex, two Bentleys, two Ferraris, a Lamborghini and a Range Rover. He was making $100,000 per episode last season, and now he is broke. Sad trombone dot com. Ashton Kutcher took Demi Moore to Turks & Caicos for her 49th birthday weekend, where they tried not to focus on the past. Cameron Diaz is “getting to know” Ryan Phillippe, but it’s unclear if they are doing this naked or not. OMG Booboo Stewart! Yes! We love Booboo! (Fig. 6) Finally: Hey, look, a non-flipped version of that Pax photo! (See Fig. 7) By the by, Angelina is “ruining” Thanksgiving by taking the family to visit the orphanage in Vietnam where Pax lived before he was adopted. “She wants Pax and the others to give back.” What a monster.
Grade: C (swollen belly from constipation)

Us
“Ready For Baby”
In February, Prince William is leaving for the Falkland Islands for six weeks — he’ll be training with the Royal Air Force. Since he and Kate “don’t want a pregnancy to distract from next spring’s four-day countrywide celebration of the queen’s 60 years on the throne,” they are planning their baby-making carefully. The Diamond Jubilee is over by June, and “there is a window to break the news.” A “longtime confidant” claims: “Kate’s always planned things in her life meticulously. It’s impossible she hasn’t penciled in the right time for having a baby.” Pencil! Well I never. Interesting that Us — which frequently has exclusive and actually true news — is the one magazine claiming Kate is not pregnant yet. Let’s move on! Cameron Diaz has been booty-calling Diddy. And Michelle Trachtenberg colors her own hair, and has for 10 years. “I feel sexier when I’m dark!” she says.
Grade: C+ (swollen belly from pregnancy)

Star
“Pregnant Kate Collapses”
You know how you have that one friend who is kind of crazy but maybe sorta right? And you’re like, come on, you really think the moon landing was filmed on a sound stage? And then you see that weird footage where the flag is not waving? Star is that friend. Because Star believes that Kate Middleton became pregnant with twins earlier this fall. And they’re running with it! Apparently Kate and William were at a manor in Scotland when she collapsed and lost consciousness. An insider known as Captain Obvious says, “She fainted!” But by the time a doctor and an ambulance arrived, Kate was sitting up in bed. She’s been instructed to take it easy, and eat more, “especially since she is carrying twins.” Twins. Twins. Say twins again. Twins. And if she does have twins, we will give full credit to Star for being so crazy that they went all the way around to correct. Also: If she has twins, which one inherits the throne first? What if one is a boy and one is a girl but the girl comes out first? I smell a Shakespearean tragedy. My kingdom for a quill! Moving on: Did AnnaLynne McCord get implants? Do you care? (See Fig. 8) Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant, but won’t announce it until she turns it into a lucrative photo shoot. Maksim Chmerkovsky and Jamie-Lynn Sigler are hooking up. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s former secretary is suing them for $86,000 as part of an unfair-dismissal case. She was fired for taking too much time off, and COULD maybe write a tell-all about how the Jolie-Pitt house is chaotic. But probably won’t. Kim Kardashian’s bodyguard Shengo is married, though he and his wife haven’t seen each other in about a year, and seem estranged. Still, she sold/told her story to Star: “Kim Stole My Husband!” Apparently Kim and Shengo have had sex but Shengo won’t grant his wife a divorce. Messy. Kim Richards of RHOBH may have to go to rehab if she wants to keep her job on the show. And last, but not least, “the truth” about Ashton and Demi’s “open marriage.” A source claims that Demi is attracted to women and much as men, and was cool with Ashton having flirtatious relationships, since she would kiss ladies now and then. But he’s been hooking up with a steady stream of young things and that was never part of the deal. Plus! “Ashton doesn’t have the same kind of respect for her that he once had. At the same time, she’s grown really insecure.” Blerg. The only good part to this sad and ugly story is the sidebar, “Demi’s Women,” (See Fig. 9) which paints her as a good-time gal possibly playing lickety split with Jen Aniston instead of the irrelevant Sunset Boulevard washed-up hag they’re usually trying to convince us she’s turned into. Maybe she should rebound with a hot young lady?
Grade: C+ (swollen belly from large burrito with guac and sour cream)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Life & Style

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from In Touch

Fig. 5, from In Touch

Fig. 6, from In Touch

Fig. 7, from In Touch

Fig. 8, from Star

Fig. 9, from Star