This Week In Tabloids: John Mayer's White Supremacist Dick Strikes Again

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I make the weekly tabloids turn their head and cough. Today, John Mayer has a “sizzling” hookup with a Food Network star, Pink is pregnant and Kendra needs a shrink.

Ok!
“Finding Love Again.”
When Sandra Bullock went on a “romantic Caribbean rendez-vous in Anguilla in September, she allegedly vacationed with a “mystery man.” Who is he? No one knows. On other romance news, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are “getting serious.” The mag actually prints the phrase “they both love bling.” Apparently Kanye is “considered a part of the family.” And has been invited to a holiday dinner. The Kardashians think Yeezy is “smart and successful and a great influence on Kim.” Pictures of your junk on the internet > sex tape? In Teen Mom news, a licensed child care provider who has watched Farrah’s daughter has a lot of nasty things to say about Farrah. She complains about how long Farrah would leave Sophia in day care, and says that Sophia’s development is “worryingly slow.” Sophia would cry when put down and wasn’t walking, although other children her age were. Yes, this is what passes for gossip now.
Grade: F (genital fungus)

In Touch
“Baby No. 2 On The Way!”
Kendra Wilkinson is planning on having a baby next summer, and even then, we won’t care. But we can always count on her to have depressingly poor body image! She poses in a bikini in this issue and says: “I don’t think I am ready to hit the beach yet. I’m a perfectionist when it comes to my body.” So you won’t go get undressed at a public beach but you will pose in swimsuit for all of the magazine’s readers to see? Okay. Also, she doesn’t like her boobs, and plans to take her implants out after she has another kid. Jessica Simpson wants to “beat” Nick Lachey to the altar. It’s her goal! She is not engaged, however. Ashlee Simpson is having an “identity crisis” because she cut her hair. Dr. Leslie Seppini, who does not treat Ashlee, says, “She’s probably suffering from insecurity and struggling to accept herself.” And: “These changes can be interpreted as concerns of being ‘found out’ — she could be thinking, ‘What if I’m not talented, and people find out?” This is interesting: Whitney from season one of 16 And Pregnant says she is so glad she is not on Teen Mom, because she loves her babydaddy and “the producers would get you to argue and say bad things about each other. They try to make drama.” She is now engaged, in school, and trying to get her nursing degree. Promising! Nicole from Season 2 of 16 And Pregnant and her boyfriend Tyler, who is a skateboarder, are also interviewed, but they don’t have such a happy story: She is trying to get her high school diploma while working 9-hour shifts at McDonald’s. Next: Gerard Butler lost 15 lbs. in two weeks. He’d beefed up to play a biker, but stopped eating six meals a day so he could slim down and play poet Robert Burns. Rihanna, 22, has a promise ring from 26-year-old Matt Kemp — she’s not ready to get married, but “she knows that Matt is her future husband.” Did you know that two of the Gosselin kids were expelled? Alexis and Collin have behavioral problems — they fought with their peers, called them nasty names and made fun of other kids. Finally: That dude Marilyn who used to date Gavin Rossdale did an interview with the mag and shared a lovely/intrusive picture of Gavin sleeping. (See image 7.)
Grade: F (anal fungus)

Life & Style
“Kardashian Split.”
Margaret claims this bullshit story “doesn’t make any sense.” Khloe came to visit Kourtney and Kim in New York, and wanted to go out, but then for some reason, Khloe said Kim was being a “selfish bitch.” Kim ran from the room crying and “realized that her sisters were no longer her best friends.” Whatever, YAWN, moving on. Ebony from season one of 16 And Pregnant is married to Josh, the father of her baby, who is in the Air Force. They’re happy and doing well. She says: “[Producers] kept pushing me to fight with him. It was just three days after I had given birth, and I was so emotional. And the producer just kept pushing and pushing me. And I finally just ran to my mother crying and told her I couldn’t do it anymore, and she kicked [the MTV crew] out of the house.” Meanwhile, Teen Mom‘s Amber has been involved with three dudes, and they’re all friends with each other. Shane Butt, whose name we find amusing because we are immature, is unemployed, but she slept with him and his friend Sam Jack, and made out with their other friend Jesse Austin, who is a landscaper. Why do all of these people have fake-sounding soap opera names? An “insider” says that at a party: “[Amber and Jesse] were dirty dancing. He was slapping her ass and grabbing her boobs, and the next thing you know,they were making out in front of everyone.” In other news, the mag talked to Texas college student Brian Payne, who says he saw Demi Levota do coke at a friend’s house party last December: “She was doing line after line like a pro — and she was 17 at the time.” Another insider says Demi has been “on a tear” lately; “she’ll chug booze right from the bottle.” Her parents put her in rehab because they overheard one of the dancers talking about Demi punching another girl and “freaked out.” “They heard Demi was drinking, but the news that her partying was getting out of control shocked them.” Next, a ridiculous story about Angelina starts thusly: “It’s every working mother’s worst fear: The kids start to love the nanny more than mommy.” An “insider” says “that nanny is very nurturing toward the kids, and Angelina doesn’t like that at all.” The subtext here is crystal clear: HOW DARE YOU DO THE JOB I AM PAYING YOU TO DO I AM GOING TO STEAL YOUR HUSBAND BECAUSE I AM A PSYCHO PREDATOR. Last, but definitely not least, Zahid R. Chaudhary, assistant professor of English Literature at Princeton University, was asked to review three celebrity novels: Nicole Richie’s Priceless; Lauren Conrad’s Sugar And Spice, and Hilary Duff’s Elixir. Highlight: “What surprises me about Nicole’s prose is that it manages to be utterly lackluster even when describing subtle shades of makeup. To call this prose wooden would be an insult to trees.” Ouch! See more: image 8.
Grade: D- (mouth fungus)

Us
“Royal Wedding Is On!”
Katie Nicholl has been shilling her book Behind The Palace Walls all over TV and even if you haven’t seen her, you may have heard all this before: Kate Middleton and Prince William are going to get engaged sometime soon! In 2011, it seems. Her parents visited the royal family’s 50,000 acre estate in Scotland for the annual excursion to shoot pheasant, and this is “extremely significant.” Back in 2007, Kate and William vacationed in Seychelles and made a “pact to wed.” William told Kate she was The One, but he was not ready to get married because he needed to finish his military training. Kate agreed to wait for him. But she spends a lot of her time living with William at his private house in Wales. They stay in and watch DVDs and so on. Next: Brad and Angelina took the kids ziplining, see image 9. Pink is pregnant! And “really happy”!!! She’s 12 weeks along and the kid’s motorcycle and tattoo artist are patiently waiting for the birth. Kidding! But we did read this back in October in Life & Style so we’ve suspected as such for a month. Amanda Seyfried and Ryan Phillippe are “quietly dating,” and “Ryan loves those blondes.” In an interview with Gary and Amber from Teen Mom, Amber says their relationship is “done.” “We’re not really talking right now.” The Demi Lovato story here is how she was “destroyed by heartbreak” since she split with Joe Jonas but still had to tour with him —- and his new girlfriend was always around. “Having Ashley around all the time drove Demi totally crazy,” a source explains. Robert SparkleVamp Pattinson and Kristen Stewart shot some kissing scenes in Rio for Breaking Dawn, and an eyewitness says: “After they filmed the kiss, they held hands. It was a personal moment between them.” Also, in case you were wondering, “She’s the tough one, he’s the sensitive one.” Last: Kim Kardashian thinks living in New York means wearing Chewbacca costumes. (See image 10).
Grade: D- (nail fungus)

Star
“Last Minute Baby Drama.”
Kelly Preston is only 20 days away from her due date, but John Travolta is spending 10 days in Australia, celebrating something with Quantas airlines. She’s not feeling well and could use the support of her husband, but he’s a 22-hour flight away! The horror! They are text messaging, so he’ll know the second contractions start, but the story is spun as though they are bad people and he has abandoned her. Moving on: Taylor Momsen may have gotten a very subtle nose job — the best kind! That’s when you know you have a good doctor. A plastic surgeon who does not treat her says: “Now it’s not as wide and her nostrils appear to be slightly higher.” (see image 11) BTW: Jon Hamm is the sexiest guy alive, but you knew that. Blind item! “Which red-hot female star of an ensemble comedy has turned into quite the diva? An on-set source tells Star the actress believes she is the real draw of the show, and has been demanding more screen time and a better wardrobe — thus disrupting the cast’s family dynamic.” At first we thought “red” and “ensemble” meant Christina Hendricks, but “comedy” and “family” leaves us with Sofia Vergara? Maybe? Jamie Lynn Spears has dumped Casey Aldridge. Again. They had a magical reunion when they went to a Lady Gaga show a couple of months ago, but she realized that he hasn’t changed and is still “the same old guy,” so things are off. But Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson are back on! Hayden never wanted it to end in the first place. Teen Mom news: Last week we learned that Farrah’s baby’s father’s mother covertly saw the baby in park; this week there is a picture of said lady holding the baby in the park. Finally some real dirt: Multiple sources say white-supremacist-dick owner John Mayer and Giada De Laurentiis have shared “steamy nights” together. Maybe by “steamy nights” they mean “nights spent steaming broccoli”? Nope: Last month, John and Giada were both hanging at the Boom Boom Room at the Standard Hotel in New York, and sources say they were holding hands, “extremely touchy feely,” and “disappeared into one of the hotel’s suites.” She admits she was at the hotel, but swears she didn’t even see John Mayer that night. “I’ve met him and he’s a great guy, but I just like his music, that’s all,” she says. Lastly, a downer: Courteney Cox and David Arquette broke up because he was drinking too much; she got sick of seeing him sloshed. She won’t take him back unless he goes to rehab. This story is accompanied by three pictures of David drunk and partying; in two out of three images, little people are involved. In the third, David is carrying a bottle of champagne through the streets.
Grade: D (canned mushrooms)

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