This Week In Tabloids: Michael Douglas Deathwatch & Betty Draper's Old Nose

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Margaret and I pick through the trash of the weekly tabloids, trying to find good scraps of gossip. This week: Death, nose jobs, bullying, free furniture, Hollywood Hobos and a pink pussycat.

Ok!
“Back With Ryan!”
Ryan’s dad tells the mag that Maci and Ryan are putting their differences aside to co-host Bentley’s 2nd birthday party. Maci and Kyle have broken up, according to an insider, as have Kyle and his recent girlfriend. Ryan says: “Maci calls to this day and wants to work it out.” We didn’t read the next two pages of this thing because it was so effing boring and also Margaret feels heartbroken when Dr. Drew gives quotes to these magazines, so let’s move on. Next: In a story that makes Margaret “rageful,” Ali and Roberto moved into a condo in San Diego and didn’t really have any furniture, so Ok! BOUGHT THEM FURNITURE, hired Jillian Harris to style the house and made deals with Pottery Barn and The Container Store. So the poor, disenfranchised, underprivileged Bachelorette and her lovvah have a $1200 bed, a $400 coffee table and a $1000 sofa. And yes, it is just advertising masquerading as editorial, as well as paying stars for access without actually giving them money. Check the pictures here: Image 7. In other news, there are four pages devoted to a photo shoot in which Kendall and Kylie Kardashian pillowfight and snuzzle puppies. Finally: What Sammi from Jersey Shore ate today: Two eggs over easy with wheat toast for breakfast. Lunch was fruit and a peanut butter sandwich on wheat bread. Dinner: Chicken piccata at her fave Italian restaurant. With ice tea. There’s no alcohol mentioned, so we doubt the accuracy here, but whatever.
Grade: F as usual (radioactive waste)

Life & Style
“Royal Dream Wedding”
In August, we read a “wedding tell-all” and a “royal romance in ruins”— after already hearing about the wedding of the century, and a “wedding just like Diana’s.” But! Today we learn that Prince William and Kate Middleton will get married in 2012 — after the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, but before London hosts the Olympics. Even though Princess Diana’s former butler Paul Burrell told Ok! that the wedding would be in 2011. Guests will include Michelle Obama, Elton John, Rod Stewart and Diddy. Banned from ceremony? Sarah Ferguson. You heard it here first! Diddy can go where The Duchess cannot. Moving on: Sandra Bullock’s “new man” is Hottie McHotterson bodyguard Damian “Showtime” Holton, and “there’s security in their relationship” because he is a bodyguard, duh. Anyway he’s always with her and touching her — because he is paid to shield her from paparazzi. But the tabs can dream! The cover blares that Khloe “quit her show,” but the deal is that Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami ended a long time ago, and Khloe is not on the new show Kourtney and Kim Take New York — which should have been called Kourtney And Kim Take Manhattan as an homage to the Muppets. In Unsolicted Uterus Update news, Pink was seen leaving a medical center wearing a flowy dress, and has Tweeted about going to a spa, eating pancakes and cupcakes — so she is pregnant, obviously. In Brangelina news, Brad has been smoking behind Angelina’s back. In 2004, he told Vanity Fair that he’d quit smoking, but photographers have snapped pix of him lighting up between takes on Moneyball. And once he told Entertainment Weekly: “I’m less worried about the paparazzi catching me then someone — ahem — who doesn’t know I still smoke once in a while.” Serena and Common are “100% back on.” Sharon Osbourne has gotten “even more” plastic surgery (see image 8). Lastly: In the 1999 “Hollywood Yearbook,” you can get a good look at Angelina Jolie’s old nose (see image 9).
Grade: F (short-term recyclable)

Star
“Saying Goodbye.”
Margaret calls this the most depressing and disgusting issue ever, not counting when Ok! put a picture of Michael Jackson’s corpse on their cover. Here are some gross things about the cover story: The mag claims that Cathy Z got a call from Michael Douglas’s medical team while she was on her way to New York and “was so hysterical” that British Airways staff had to help her on to the plane. Even if this is true — and Star is often wrong — it is so sad and private it doesn’t belong in a tabloid that also has “Jessica Drops 20 lbs. In 20 Days” on the cover. The juxtaposition is just bad. Michael Douglas is “wasting away” — down to 150 lbs. from 175 — and Catherine Zeta-Jones is “wasting away” also — she is so “distraught” that when she was in the airport “she could barely walk.” As someone who has seen some recent paparazzi shots of Ms. Zeta-Jones on different agency websites, I can say that in a lot of pictures, she could barely walk BECAUSE SHE WAS SURROUNDED BY PAPARAZZI. The worst part? Catherine and Michael have said that he has a 60% survival rate with his type of cancer. However. A doctor who does not treat Michael Douglas says that his cancer has a 20% survival rate. And gives this quote: “He is likely depressed, tired and fatigued. And it’s very possible he could die.” UGH. Next: Here’s the story we wish had been on the cover! Brittney Jones, the chick Ashton Kutcher allegedly slept with, says: “Ashton said he and Demi have an open relationship and have threesomes often. He said they share women but he isn’t supposed to go off and sleep with women on his own. He said Demi had to be there, and that Demi likes to pick the girls out.” Apparently Ashton felt bad that he hooked up with Brittney and “didn’t share”; and one of “Hollywood’s best kept secrets” is that Ashton and Demi have an open relationship. Jessica Simpson has “lost 20 pounds in 20 days” by eating egg white omlets and working out for 20 minutes on the treadmill in the mornings. And also she got a slimming new jacket. Audrina’s boyfriend is planning a tropical vacation for the two of them if she wins Dancing With The Stars — and there may even be a ring! If she wins, that is. Otherwise he is done with her. Brad Pitt is “in lust” with his beautiful blonde costar in Moneyball, Kathryn Morris. Brad took his shirt off because it was hot — sorry, “stripped off his sweaty shirt” — and a source says “she actually let out a gasp and teased him that she almost fainted.” Hmm, sounds like they’re in lust with each other. “They’re flirting so much that it’s making crewmembers uncomfortable.” Um. Ok. Brad’s nickname for her is “Kitten” or “Kit Kat.” Kim Kardashian is pregnant because she wore baggy clothing and covered her belly with an Hermès bag. There’s a handy sidebar here, illustrating other stars who have hidden behind Hermès bags (see image 10). The Sister Wives story alleges that wives 2 and 3 want out — but in the wacko religious cult these people follow, women who leave lose custody of their kids or some shit. As you may know, NPH and his partner, David Burtka, are expecting twins through a surrogate. Neil Patrick Harris is allegedly part of a “baby shocker” — so says the cover — because the “news” that David had twins with some other man — which NPH has talked about publicly before — is supposed to be scandalous to us. Finally: If you ever get famous, you are not allowed to wear jeans! That’s the lesson behind “Hollywood Hobos,” who are actually millionaires! Including Sad Keanu (see image 11)
Grade: F (biohazardous byproducts)

In Touch
“Pregnant & Alone”
A “friend” says that Kourtney Kardashian wants to have a second baby with Scott “American Psycho” Disick, and there are four pages here about how the Kardashians don’t like him and blah blah blah. But the point is: She is not pregnant and she is not alone. Moving on: One of the best “Before They Were Famous” pages ever includes Zac Efron, Whitney Port and Bruno Tonioli (see image 12). J-Woww has lost 20 lbs. in three months by working out: 45 minutes of cardio and an hour of weight training, four or five days a week. Pages 26 & 27 consist of a map illustrating how Sandra Bullock is “surrounded” by Jesse’s women, who live around Austin, Texas. These “women” include his mother and two ex-wives; Jesse moved to Austin to be near Louis, and the ex-wives followed him to Texas so that he can also see his other kids. We never heard this rumor in the first place, but Mariah Carey and J. Lo are not feuding, according to Damian “Damizza” Young, who says he was Mariah’s producer and manager for a spell and also claims he was Mariah’s “secret boyfriend.” He’s written a book and trying to shill it, obvs. Mariah says they were never romantically involved, but he says “I was in love. Our relationship was very high school — we’d lie in bed watching Weird Science. It wasn’t all glam and private jets.” Oh man: Our favorite kind of story: “Did They Or Didn’t They: Nose Job Edition.” BETTY DRAPER OMG. (see image 13.). UUU: Christina Applegate is having a girl. Pink has been “trying for a baby” for the past few months. Lastly, two words: PINK PUSSYCAT. (see image 14).
Grade: D (maggot-filled compost)

Us
“What We’ve Learned.”
What we’ve learned is that getting knocked up as a teen will get you on the cover of magazines! But here’s what’s up: Maci says she would like to marry Kyle, “but there’s no point in rushing. If it’s not broke, don’t fix it, that’s what my mom says.” And Maci wants to write a book about teen pregnancy, btw. Amber, who slapped, punched and choked her baby daddy in a recent episode, says: “I am totally against hitting your partner. [The PSA MTV showed] made people aware that what I did is not right. I hope it helped people.” And: “In therapy, I’m working with my counselor on how to calm down when things happen. One of the things I have learned is to take deep breaths.” Groundbreaking! As for Farrah, the “dangerous boyfriend” Star reported she was seeing is someone she has never met but is friends with on Facebook. Catelynn, the one who gave her baby up for adoption, and seems to have her head on straight, says of she and her boyfriend: “We knew we didn’t want to be like our parents and repeat the same stupid stuff they did.” TMI story of the week goes to Kourtney Kardashian, who is trying to have another baby fairly soon after having her first, and describes post-partum sex thusly: “Like a metal pole is literally ramming you in the crotch.” Scott says Kourtney wants a baby so badly “we’ve been fucking like cats and dogs.” Wait — so is it like, raining when you do it? Most cats and dogs are spayed and neutered? Maybe he means rabbits? In Jersey Shore news, Angelina grants an interview to the mag and explains that she was bullied. “Mike called me a dirty hamster, but I cleaned that house up and down. MTV never showed that. Snooki would call me a whore. Mike and Vinny would call me fat, call me a whale. I would go into the bathroom and cry. One time Mike put a condom on my pillow, with whipped cream in it, so it looked used. Another time, I found olive oil and grated cheese all over my bed. I picked my comforter, and it was on my sheets, my pillow. It was yellow and I thought Mike pissed on my bed.” Angelina also tells the magazine: “I see a therapist. I cry a lot… My mom got bleeding ulcers from the stress.” Sounds like someone is building a case to sue for damages! Last, but definitely not least, this magazine creates a comic in which Angelina Jolie is Supermom. She soars through the air, has a furry sidekick (a pug, Jack) and “little heroes in training.” We would watch the hell out of this movie! (see image 15)
Grade:C- (doughnut dumpster)

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