Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where Adele is getting divorced and Joan Summers is getting married. Did her publicist schedule the announcement to ruin my life (and recent engagement)? Probably not. Am I narcissistic enough to believe my own conspiracy regardless? Absolutely!
Let’s dive in.
Looks like it was a slow news week! After being the first weekly tabloid to cover the scandal in print, In Touch is back with a new angle and familiar sources. Rather than the scorned Kate Middleton, we were introduced to in early April, sources claim she’s finally let the Prince back into his separate bedroom as he “fights for his marriage.” Interestingly enough, while those same sources assert he’s “going all out to rekindle the romance in their marriage by organizing candlelit dinners,” many speculate her angle on the scandal is inherently political. If you weren’t aware, Kate is next in line as Queen Consort. But before she became the universally adored symbol of colonial white womanhood, rumors of social climbing and scheming followed her early fling with Prince William. And if there’s anything we can verify about the ruling class. it’s their uncompromising grasp on the powers they wield! I’m also interested in the deep-rooted racism at work in the changing tides around Meghan Markle. It’s wild that we allowed the British press to influence the global opinions on a woman who was briefly the most famous human being in existence. Despite previously asserting that Meghan’s “feud” with Kate was built to obscure coverage of their husband’s falling out, In Touch now claims that it’s his wife’s “petty battles” that drove William to cheat. You would absolutely think it’s 1958 if your only news came from tabloid coverage of crumbling marriages!
Meanwhile: Kristin Cavallari gave some quotes, Aunt Becky was seen laughing alone outside yoga, and Jason Momoa shaved his beard for the monthly Assorted Holiday Instagram Post Industrial Complex (#EARTHDAY.) Eighty-five percent of In Touch readers agreed that Kim Kardashian would make a terrible lawyer, and worse, Ed Sheeran’s eyeballs got burned off by dragons. In related news, Sophie Turner accidentally participated in Coca-Cola sponsorship at an afterparty. (Can you tell that even friendly local gossipers aren’t immune to the Game of Thrones content blitz?) Bethenny Frankel posed with a human-sized latte at the opening of Godiva Café somewhere in Times Square, noted aerial gymnast P!nk wore paper clips as earrings, Ariana Grande had thigh highs surgically grafted to her lower body, and Kylie Jenner posed with her family’s new cult in her signature tiny sunglasses. I’d also like to hone in on the speculation surrounding Angelina Jolie’s “next big fling.” We love a slow news week!
- Ben Affleck: “Imagine those nine kids under one [Shookus-less] roof!” At least we know she could afford the late night Jack In The Box runs!
- John Mayer: “The musician made it clear—in a lewd joke to Rolling Stone that we can’t print—that to him, Angelina is perfect.” These particular demons deserve each other!
- Drake: “He tagged a fan account of hers in a 2017 Instagram post,” but recent behavior tells us this notable creep prefers texting child actors with romantic advice!
- Ruby Rose: I would not survive this press cycle.
- Chris Evans: In Touch claims he’s the “only eligible Hollywood Chris,” but my instincts tell me you could find countless white men named Chris in various local Mattress Firm commercials!
- Sean Penn: Jail!
- Bradley Cooper: There are so many things she and the recent Oscar winner could bond over!”
- Justin Theroux: “With his many tattoos and penchant for black leather, the edgy actor “looks” like he has a lot more in common with Angie.” If these commonalities concern men in a state of mid-life crisis with ridiculous back tattoos, then absolutely!
I also stumbled on a conspiracy I’d like to present to my readers: Justin Bieber’s team photoshops his clothing line advertisements and disguises them as paparazzi photos. My only exhibit is this incredibly staged grocery store outing. His eyes have definitely been enlarged and his skin infinitely smoothed, correct? And considering my job includes mindlessly flipping through Getty images, I can confirm his recent entanglements with the press involve varying degrees of this exact sweatshirt. I’ve posted comparison photos of the original image and In Touch’s version below!
What’s wildest about the retouched photograph is the amount of work involved in selling screen printed Hanes sweatshirts to moms in the grocery store checkout and gossip columnists. What else?
- Andy Cohen claimed his newborn son has women “ovulating.”
- Leslie Mann sumo-wrestled John Cena under the explicit command of chaos merchant Ellen Degeneres.
- Khloe Kardashian allegedly spent “hours and hours” with a glam squad in the lead-up to a 1 year old’s birthday party.
- Tamar Braxton came out as a Dorinda Medley sympathizer.
- Vanessa Hudgens opened up about having “two diets” simultaneously. (Please be nicer to your body!)
And before we close on the most deranged crossover content ever made, here’s this week’s blind item:
“These two A-List stars are talking about starting a side business. Nothing unusual there, except they’re thinking of opening up a strip club. Oh, and here’s the kicker: They’re both women! They say their club would be owned and operated by women, so they’ll provide female empowerment as well as lap dances.”
This is clearly tie-in promotional content for the upcoming Cardi B vehicle, Hustlers, starring Jennifer Lopez.
Looks like we can’t escape the Biebers this week! According to sources, the married Instagram accounts have suffered months of fighting and therapy that’s left one of them “pregnant and alone.” According to sources, frequent Fit Tea spokesperson Hailey Bieber “is about three months pregnant with their first child.” A nightmare! I’d also like to posit a question that’s come to mind. Despite the probability that she’s likely not with child: Would it be shady to promote Fit Tea and diet pills as part of your “wellness routine” while pregnant? As an influencer, is there a pregnancy sponsorship market for your off months? Has there been any longterm Instagram analysis that covers this probable phenomenon among the Fashion Nova elite? Just curious! Further in are some alarming reports that the Kardashian Curse is about to befall another athlete, Ben Simmons. According to the troublesome tipsters at Ok!, the Proactiv spokeswoman is hearing “wedding bells” as she “gears up to make things official.” Run, Ben. Run! But in the worst news of the week, I was reminded that Chip & Joanna Gaines, worldwide ambassadors of Christian suburban living, are launching a television “network.” The shiplap-ed walls are closing in and I cannot breathe. Help!
Elsewhere, Serena Williams accidentally revealed the gender of Meghan Markle’s baby (a girl!) Kim Kardashian posed with a textbook, Jimmy Kimmel’s late night talk show contract is thankfully expiring, Candace Cameron Bure was seen on a step-and-repeat, and everyone’s wearing feathers. I’m also fascinated with photographs of Neil Patrick Harris and his somebody husband allegedly draining the life force of Jane Krakowski and Gayle King at a celebrity cookbook launch. The caption, “Eat, love, play!”, sounds like the incantation of some dark and mysterious spellwork. Deeper into the frontlines of the evil forces besieging our cultural landscape, I stumbled across a paparazzi shot of Allison Williams and Katy Perry holding hands at the Brooklyn Museum. Spooky! And should we discuss the bitter Reebok employee who sold a story claiming Beyoncé is the “snottiest celebrity in Hollywood” and “impossible to work with”? If this were true, I doubt her team of employees would regularly discuss her outstanding work ethic at industry events and in trade publications. Stay mad (and racist), Reebok!
- Adam Driver is in a play with communist icon Keri Russell?
- Brad Pitt is rebranding as an art world fixture.
- Brie Larson promoted something.
- Denise Richards husband would like her to stop discussing his dick size on national television.
- Zac Efron still has bleached hair.
Rather than indulging what could only be described as a photograph of Jennifer Aniston and a wax figure, why not take a moment to join hands and show our support for Amber Heard? For the unaware, new evidence was released detailing the abuse she suffered at the hands of Johnny Depp after he tried to shut her down with a $50 million defamation suit. (Warning: the linked article includes Amber Heard recounting the horrific treatment in a deposition video.) In light of the newly revealed details of the washed-up monster’s treatment of the women in his life, how can studios justify his inclusion in their (poorly received) tentpole franchise? What was alleged feminist J.K. Rowling thinking when she logged on and defended this casting choice?
“Based on our understanding of the circumstances, the filmmakers and I are not only comfortable sticking with our original casting, but genuinely happy to have Johnny playing a major character in the movies. [...] I accept that there will be those who are not satisfied with our choice of actor in the title role. However, conscience isn’t governable by committee. Within the fictional world and outside it, we all have to do what we believe to be the right thing.””
I speak on behalf of Jezebel in saying we stand behind Amber Heard and the abuses of once-powerful men cannot go unpunished. Otherwise, what did we take away from #MeToo and #TimesUp besides a handful of actresses creating an organization aimed at making them more money? (This is not to discount the tireless work of activists like Tarana Burke who continue fighting on behalf of survivors and victims worldwide, however.)
- Wendy Williams filed for divorce from serial cheater Kevin Hunter as the world breathed a sigh of relief.
- Scott Disick rode a private plane a week before Earth Day.
- Snooki posed with the Trollz.
- Lisa Rinna hawked some shoes.
- Tyga rented a $500,000 diamond chain he claimed he bought? (Believing that Kris Jenner would allow Kylie’s child support checks to fund such frivolity is frankly laughable!)
- There’s also rumors surrounding Kanye West’s bid for a weekly telecast of his “Sunday Services” that would simultaneously spotlight his wife’s “activism.” Have we genuinely learned nothing?
I heard a very interesting rumor this week that celebrity divorces drop in clusters because attorneys prefer to the news to be diluted through multiple channels. It’s a similar practice to the age-old publicity trick of releasing damning information on a Friday in hopes it blows over by the following Monday. Sad then, that Anna Camp and Skylar Astin’s pitch un-perfect divorce has completely escaped the public notice. Maybe that’s what they wanted, but cloistering your divorce drop with the likes of Michelle Williams and Adele speaks to a likely grab at press attention. Sad! Regardless, Adele is divorcing the aforementioned member of the ruling class, Simon Konecki, whose early public persona was clouded in scandal after he was accused of cheating on his ex-wife with your mom’s favorite singer (the pair later confirmed his divorce in 2008, four years prior to their relationship.) I was generally quite fascinated by the two, as the trend of incredibly famous women marrying venture capitalists and stock brokers never ceases to cloud my opinions of their art. (I roll my eyes at myself more often than you do, so please relax.) As for Michelle Williams, her marriage was as short as my attention span while covering it. She surprised the world with a secret wedding to Phil Elverum last summer and now that has ended. Next!
Julianne Hough opened up about happiness (again), Allison Janney definitely wore it better, and Cher described her drag queen impersonators as “bullshit.” John Legend, a menace in his own right, locked Chrissy Teigen in a closet throughout the Game of Thrones premiere. Dax Shepard also revealed he once attempted to have sex with Gossip Girl in a pool of Jell-O. Has there been any studies on the possible yeast infections that would result from a Kool-Aid drenched vagina? Emma Bunton, somebody who was definitely in the Spice Girls, admitted she felt “left out” of Mel B’s alleged affair with Geri Halliwell. I’m also amazed that, following a lackluster album release and a convent haunted by the ghosts of her nun enemies, Katy Perry has fully accepted her place as a Disney-ABC reality competition show host! Here’s her in costume on the step-and-repeat for American Idol’s “Disney Night.” Who leaked my nightmare diary to her stylists?
- Three cheers for Wendy Williams!
- Danny Amendola claimed Olivia Culpo is obsessed with Instagram, making money, and Fit Tea endorsements.
- Teresa Giudice opted out of signing a petition to Donald Trump created by her daughters pleading for the pardon of their father, Juicy Joe. We live in a world where there is an incredibly high probability that the president of the United States will pardon the husband of a Real Housewife. Thrilling!
- Kristin Cavallari’s husband “sucked her milk ducts dry.”
- Us Weekly won’t let me forget that Meghan Trainor threw up on her Spy Kid husband after he popped the question in December 2017.