This Week In Tabloids: Beyoncé is Allegedly Releasing Surprise New Music in an Attempt to Ruin My Life (Again!)

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers is preparing the bunker to weather out the Bey-pocalypse slowly entering pop culture’s orbit. With a looming Netflix special, an Adidas partnership, and rumors of new music this summer, the Hive is out and ready to play! And considering I no longer participate in stan culture’s equivalent of The Purge since Tumblr was murdered, I’ll see you all on the flip-side!

(But before my staycation begins, let’s dive in!)

In Touch:

As an incredibly serious journalist, it’s great to have a job where being too online is useful. Otherwise, I would’ve missed The Toast alum Nicole Cliffe officially launching an American gossip craze! In one of the juiciest royal rumors of recent memory (second only to Meghan Markle’s ghost baby), Prince William is alleged to have cheated on a then-pregnant Kate Middleton with her land baroness bestie, Rose Hanbury.

Rumors of the affair have apparently circled posh British parties since April 2018. And with an abundance of free time among ruling class socialites, that’s almost 10 regular people years! It’s also an abundance of partying, the same spies allege, that has these useless rich people locked in a Gala-season Cold War. I can only imagine how hard it must be to find somewhere to hide in your sweeping country estate to hide while hosting the annual Fancy Women Eating Fancy Food For The Benefit Of Children Worldwide Who Can’t Shop At Chanel! I’m also conflicted on the angling that Middleton, a “commoner,” would envy the “blue blood” women in William’s social circle. Not only would I argue that the British adore her, but hasn’t she steered the public face of the Royal Family for years? My biggest takeaway, however, is the shock I feel over somebody referred to as the Marchioness of Cholmondeley occupying even a fraction of my brain space! If pressed, I’d admit said shock was slightly influenced by Kate Middleton’s bottom eyeliner?

There’s also some troubling rumors surrounding Justin Bieber’s alleged impending breakdown. After his and Hailey Bieber’s Vogue profile backfired, Justin launched a string of concerning Instagram posts on his mental health and physical wellbeing.

For the past year, the former teen sensation, 25, has exhibited a string of erratic behavior, and now his Instagram vow to “not fall apart” has his inner circle on the edge. “Justin’s crying out for help,” says a Justin insider. “That’s not a bad thing, but he still has a lot of people worried. […] Says a second Justin source, “He’s seeing his therapist almost daily as he attempts to overcome his inner demons.”

Coupled with the news of Britney Spears’s recent hospitalization, I’ll opt out of piling on. Sometimes even gossip columnists need to give these people a break! (And seemingly chain-smoking on patio furniture is an incredibly dark look.)

In worse news: Victoria Justice finally wore it better, Rosie O’Donnell claimed Elisabeth Hasselbeck was just “a little bit lesbian,” and Kris Humphries insisted his marriage to Kim K was “100% real.” Sure, Jan! Apple Martin scolded Goop with “you may not post anything without my consent” and I was forced to look at pictures of a somebody referred to as “the star of Ex on the Beach.” Adele, noted supporter of the gay agenda, tipped drag queen Brita Filler $300 on her drunken night out with JLaw. Fun! I’d also like to ask how many red carpets NBC included in the contracts of the This Is Us cast, as every week I flip through countless step and repeats with names like “NBC and Gillette Razors Present People Who Are Famous” or “The Annual NBC March To Save The Date For Tropicana’s Newest Juice Launch.” These actors can only lift Mandy Moore so many times for a photo op before her back breaks!

What else?

• Zac Efron is still blonde.
• The Kardashian Fit Tea Federation used Kanye West’s latest church service to promote KKW’s children’s clothing line.
• Back Tattoo Updates! Justin Theroux was photographed making out with his dog.
• Lisa Vanderpump posed with some anonymous muscle queens for the launch of her Vanderpump Cocktail Garden.
• Reality TV somebodies, Chase and Savannah Chrisley, are getting their own television show? WHO IS THIS FAMILY AND WHY ARE THEY ON TELEVISION?

Ok!:

I’m already bored! Instead, let’s pivot to whatever diet trend a now-jobless Heidi Klum is shilling for in that cover blurb! As we all know, celebrities love to fill in the time between paychecks with storylines involving weight loss, marriage, and parenting! Hers involves a personal trainer, a plate of spinach, some ground turkey, and handful of raw almonds. She also likes to spice up her nightly chicken breast with “one tablespoon of olive oil.” Did that dry your mouth out too? Just imagine sitting across from the guitarist of Tokio Hotel, loudly and forcefully chewing overly dry chicken in complete silence. Sounds like a good time! I’ve also heard that the Spice Girls’ troubled reunion tour might officially implode following Mel B’s allegation that she had a one night stand with Geri Halliwell. Insiders claim that Emma Bunton and Mel C, the other two, have officially entered “panic mode.” Scary Spice eventually backtracked, but the same spies claim the damage might be permanent! My advice? Even if it happened (excluding violence), don’t out people without their consent!

There’s also a story on how the Fuller House cast has handled the college admissions scandal and Lori Loughlin’s looming court date. According to tipsters close to production, everyone’s worried about “royalty checks” and “losing millions.” It must be nice to have your biggest worries concern your royalty checks from a show that aired 20 years ago! (Eat the rich!) I’d also like a front row seat to the scathing voicemails between Margot Robbie and Gwyneth Paltrow’s assistants as Hulu’s newest original, Dollface, gains public attention. The show, which Robbie produces, satirizes Goop with a fictional brand called Woom. Personally? I can’t wait! Meanwhile, Rita Ora wore it better and Reese Witherspoon battled Linda Cardellini for the same Theory smock. Fergie stepped out in a leather romper, Toni Collette celebrated the 25th anniversary of Muriel’s Wedding, and Nicole Scherzinger showed up to a gala. Andy Cohen walked his dog and baby, Kaley Cuoco failed to understand the YeeHaw Agenda during an interview with Extra, and John Mayer rode on a plane with his guitar. There’s so much important news this week! But the wildest involved a bizarre step and repeat called “Hallmark #CardsDoMore” involving Instagram influencers with captions like:

@JessieJDecker: Ever had your friends over for a card party? I did today and my heart is full, ya’ll! Had so much fun laughing and talking about the important people in our lives and sending those people @Hallmark cards. Try it – it’s kinda amazing what cards can do. #CardsDoMore #sponsored

The assortment of chunky boots and prints at work during this event tell us everything we need to know!

Rounding it up:

• Jessica Simpson finally gave birth after a pregnancy that lasted 20 tabloid years.
• Former bleach job Pete Davidson keeps showing up to sports games with Kate Beckinsale and her balayage.
• Former perm Julia Roberts allegedly lives in a second home on her property when she needs space from Danny Moder?
• Kristen Cavallari loves Doc Martens and her VersaClimber (apparently it’s a rich people workout thing)?
• Somebody greenlighted a Pretty Little Liars spin-off?

Life & Style:

Before we dive in to The View’s dirty laundry, let’s take a moment to appreciate Felicity Huffman’s press agents? Somehow, in all of this, Olivia Jade and the Mossimo for Target clan have carried the weight of this gossip maelstrom. Is Lori Loughlin’s involvement in the college admissions scandal worse, or does America feels more betrayed by Aunt Becky than they do Lynette Scavo? The Hallmark Original Movie Complex must have a deep cultural cachet! Regardless, The View has been at the forefront of entertainment news recently in the wake of Ramin Setoodeh’s Ladies Who Punch: The Explosive Inside Story of “The View”. Here’s a rundown of the latest scandals shaking the coffee-table we love to watch these women yell at each other around:

• Rosie O’Donnell called current host Joy Behar “unwatchable.”
• Jenny McCarthy referred to Barbara Walters as “Mommie Dearest.”
• Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck are feuding again over an excerpt where the comedian said Republican Barbie has a very “lesbian energy” and there was mutual, subconscious sexual attraction between them.
• Hasselbeck, doing the most, went on Fox & Friends to claim that Rosie’s comments were “disturbing and it’s wrong. And whether you’re a man or whether you’re a woman, and you’re objectifying women in the workplace, it’s wrong.”
• Variety leaked audio of Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s dramatic, temporary exit from The View. At one point she screams, “That’s it! I quit! Write about that in the New York Fucking Post!
• Whoopi Goldberg is allegedly gunning for Barbara Walters’s job.

We’re also reminded that Wendy Williams’s husband continues to be an absolute nightmare. If you haven’t paid attention: It was recently revealed that his mistress, Sharina Hudson, gave birth to their child amid news of his wife’s increasingly public battle with addiction. I won’t speak on behalf of Wendy, nor will I claim to know the reasons she stays. But to anyone listening: if you have defined the boundaries of your relationship as monogamous and your partner agrees but later cheats (repeatedly)—they does not respect you. If they not only ignore your boundaries but establish the deep and intimate connection you seek with other people—they definitely do not respect you. And if, when you age and move through the struggles of your life, they move their affection to people almost half their age—they never respected you at all. Leave their ass!

Somewhere else in Hollywood: Spies claim Katy Perry is “starting a family” with Orlando Bloom, Cory Booker won’t release Rosario Dawson from the spell he cast on her, and Mandy Moore posed on a dirty floor. Worse, Khloé Kardashian wore an extremely obvious curly wig to Diana Ross’ 75th birthday party. The Fit Tea Federation must be stopped! Kelly Clarkson shared her thoughts on her Tesla Model X: “You can set it up to where when you use your blinker it makes fart sounds!” I’m so glad the world was blessed with a genius like Elon Musk! I’d also like to momentarily address the continuing plotline that Lady Gaga is somehow dating Jeremy Renner. While I literally cannot extrapolate on this, believe me when I say it’s the most deranged and fabricated rumor in quite some time.

Us Weekly:

As I’m growing tired of the college admissions scandal (until we get our hands on the court transcripts), why not indulge the allegations that Beyoncé is once again set to drop new music this summer? According to “multiple sources,” Beyoncé has been working on a remastered album of “old songs” with new, bonus tracks. And further, the same sources also claim that her upcoming Netflix special will be “tied to her Coachella performance” with “new stuff peppered in.” My tin-hat is on and I’m ready to stan! We’re also treated to a list of Hollywood power players that have indulged Lisa Vanderpump’s West Hollywood hotspot, TomTom.

• Chrissy Teigen & John Legend made out in front of the delightfully absurd photograph of the Toms doing the same.
• Eve hung out with the reality television partners in March.
• Darren Criss and new wife Mia Swier refused to be outdone by the Teigen-Legends and pulled the same stunt.
• Tom Sandoval snitched on Pharrell while taping Watch What Happens Live!, revealing the singer had enjoyed the “Nutcase” cocktail and fried cauliflower.
• Lisa Vanderpump kicked it with Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Germanotta in March. Eyewitnesses claimed, “They were all in great spirits, drinking and dancing!”

Meanwhile, The View continues to fascinate gossipers like me. In a newly revealed excerpt from the aforementioned Ladies Who Punch, Joy Behar allegedly spread a rumor about Star Jones “stepping on a mouse and killing it.” The book even claims that Behar was behind the tabloid revelation of Jones’s gastric bypass surgery. Ramin Setoodeh also revealed on Watch What Happens Live! that Joy Behar and Barbara Walters were “leaking stories to ruin her reputation.” And while I hope I’m not extrapolating unnecessarily, the optics of two white women ganging up on the black woman to destroy her career is absolutely racist? Worse, Dax Shepard took time off from building the The Dax Shepard Library For Stories Celebrities Sold Tabloids When They Were Jobless (TDSLFSCSTWTWJ) to talk about his marriage to Kristen Bell. According to The Good Place fan, they’re “willing to go to couples therapy and make it work.” Ok!

What else?

• Kristin Cavallari drops her phone “on a daily basis” while rummaging through her Hermés purse.
• After a fellow Republican Barbie tweeted venomous comments about The View, Meghan McCain furiously responded “You were at my wedding, Denise!”
• On inviting husband Charlie Sheen to her wedding, Denise Richards claimed “Even if he did bring a prostitute as his date, I wouldn’t care!”
• Reflecting on her time co-hosting the Today Show with Kathie Lee, Hoda Kotb revealed “We were blacked out for most of it.”
• Bethenny Frankel and I finally have something in common with our daily kombucha consumption!

And that’s all I have for you! Enjoy this week’s collage: