This Week In Tabloids: Beyoncé is Allegedly Releasing Surprise New Music in an Attempt to Ruin My Life (Again!)
Celebrities
Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers is preparing the bunker to weather out the Bey-pocalypse slowly entering pop culture’s orbit. With a looming Netflix special, an Adidas partnership, and rumors of new music this summer, the Hive is out and ready to play! And considering I no longer participate in stan culture’s equivalent of The Purge since Tumblr was murdered, I’ll see you all on the flip-side!
(But before my staycation begins, let’s dive in!)
In Touch:
As an incredibly serious journalist, it’s great to have a job where being too online is useful. Otherwise, I would’ve missed The Toast alum Nicole Cliffe officially launching an American gossip craze! In one of the juiciest royal rumors of recent memory (second only to Meghan Markle’s ghost baby), Prince William is alleged to have cheated on a then-pregnant Kate Middleton with her land baroness bestie, Rose Hanbury.
Rumors of the affair have apparently circled posh British parties since April 2018. And with an abundance of free time among ruling class socialites, that’s almost 10 regular people years! It’s also an abundance of partying, the same spies allege, that has these useless rich people locked in a Gala-season Cold War. I can only imagine how hard it must be to find somewhere to hide in your sweeping country estate to hide while hosting the annual Fancy Women Eating Fancy Food For The Benefit Of Children Worldwide Who Can’t Shop At Chanel! I’m also conflicted on the angling that Middleton, a “commoner,” would envy the “blue blood” women in William’s social circle. Not only would I argue that the British adore her, but hasn’t she steered the public face of the Royal Family for years? My biggest takeaway, however, is the shock I feel over somebody referred to as the Marchioness of Cholmondeley occupying even a fraction of my brain space! If pressed, I’d admit said shock was slightly influenced by Kate Middleton’s bottom eyeliner?
There’s also some troubling rumors surrounding Justin Bieber’s alleged impending breakdown. After his and Hailey Bieber’s Vogue profile backfired, Justin launched a string of concerning Instagram posts on his mental health and physical wellbeing.
For the past year, the former teen sensation, 25, has exhibited a string of erratic behavior, and now his Instagram vow to “not fall apart” has his inner circle on the edge. “Justin’s crying out for help,” says a Justin insider. “That’s not a bad thing, but he still has a lot of people worried. […] Says a second Justin source, “He’s seeing his therapist almost daily as he attempts to overcome his inner demons.”
Coupled with the news of Britney Spears’s recent hospitalization, I’ll opt out of piling on. Sometimes even gossip columnists need to give these people a break! (And seemingly chain-smoking on patio furniture is an incredibly dark look.)
In worse news: Victoria Justice finally wore it better, Rosie O’Donnell claimed Elisabeth Hasselbeck was just “a little bit lesbian,” and Kris Humphries insisted his marriage to Kim K was “100% real.” Sure, Jan! Apple Martin scolded Goop with “you may not post anything without my consent” and I was forced to look at pictures of a somebody referred to as “the star of Ex on the Beach.” Adele, noted supporter of the gay agenda, tipped drag queen Brita Filler $300 on her drunken night out with JLaw. Fun! I’d also like to ask how many red carpets NBC included in the contracts of the This Is Us cast, as every week I flip through countless step and repeats with names like “NBC and Gillette Razors Present People Who Are Famous” or “The Annual NBC March To Save The Date For Tropicana’s Newest Juice Launch.” These actors can only lift Mandy Moore so many times for a photo op before her back breaks!
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