Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness! Local menace Joan Summers is stocking up for the Celebrity Summer Slump, where the rich and famous flee to their yachts and escape my gossiping clutches. What will I do when the rivers run dry and my crops wither in the scorching, barren wasteland? How many baby photos will I suffer through in Us Weekly? Just how far can they spin stories about the hidden messages Kate Middleton is sending to the American public?

Let’s dive in and find out!

In Touch:

Finally, some good fucking food. As the tabloids went curiously silent on Rose Hanbury’s alleged feud with Princess Kate Middleton, I was delighted to know this week we’d be diving back in. For a primer on those missing context: Sources spoke to American Media earlier this year on rumors from across the pond that Prince William had cheated on Middleton with their countryside estate pals, the Cholmondeleys (Rose Hanbury, specifically.) Many claimed it was the reason there’d been an influx of “propaganda” against Meghan Markle, as the feud was a distraction from the much larger gossip sweeping the haunts of the British elite. I remain ambivalent on claims of a conspiratorial cover-up on behalf of the palace, considering racism is clearly at the root of the overwhelming criticism faced by Meghan Markle. And as I don’t make a point of garnering sympathy for the ruling class, the extent to which I care begins and ends there.

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In Touch now “reports” that on May 19, Kate Middleton delivered a secret message to the press and global public. Standing outside at the Back to Nature Garden at the Chelsea Flower Show, she said:

“I really hope that this land that we have created really inspires people to get outside, enjoy nature and the outdoors, and spend quality time together.”

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While seemingly innocuous, many speculate she was trying to communicate the hidden secrets of her “struggling marriage.” A wild and speculative assumption! There’s also sexist speculation on her weight and “stressed appearance,” which I won’t indulge. Instead, let’s pivot to their description of Norfolk countryside, a place haunted by the wealthy ruling class with nothing to do but “wag tongues” and “thrive on gossip.” Sounds familiar to the many cities inhabited by Real Housewives! Many remarked that Middleton must have noticed the alleged flirting between the Prince and the Marchioness, while others salivated over the downfall of the “Turnip Toffs.” (It’s the nickname given to the Cholmondeleys.) Some went so far as to profess:

“William wouldn’t be human if he didn’t notice [Rose]. He’s accustomed to having women throw themselves at him due to his wealth, title, and status, and he ignores it. But with Rose, it seems to be different.”

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Classic sexism disguised as a compliment! I’m also intrigued by speculation that they’d skipped out on Lady Gabriella Windsor and Prince Michael of Kent’s wedding in fear of the Turnip Toffs. The lives of the rich and famous, y’all!

Elsewhere, Nina Dobrev “fizzled” in a jumpsuit, Naomi Campbell sizzled in a pantsuit, and Halle Berry debuted a new ’do. The tabloids continue to speculate whether J. Lo and A-Rod share the same makeup artist. A Bachelor somebody claimed he decided on chastity after being “visited by God” in the shower. Tiffany Haddish revealed how many times she’s worn her infamous Alexander McQueen dress (five.) And Moby has officially been declared “Loser of the Week.” Congrats, dude! Shailene Woodley “kicked up her heels at Virgin Voyage’s Scarlet Night,” Jessica Chastain posed in matching sombreros with Sophie Turner-Jonas, and Brad Pitt waved at fans. It’s a real grab bag this week! Other notables include:

  • Jennifer Garner promoted literacy.
  • Jada Pinkett Smith wore pants to the Aladdin premiere.
  • Tan France applied lip gloss to Antoni Porowski.
  • The tabloids continue to push unrealistic expectations on the bodies of women through Jessie James Decker, who they are insistent on introducing me to.
  • Matthew McConaughey gave a speech at Guy Fieri’s Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony.
  • Somebody won The Voice.
  • Adam Rippon is dating a Finnish real estate broker.
  • Tom Hanks posed with a tattoo of himself.
  • Sources claim Teresa Giudice will only move to Italy if she’s promised a spinoff.

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There’s also rumors that it’s “utter chaos” on the set of the 90210 reboot, with insiders claiming:

“The initial table reading was a disaster. No one seemed happy with the direction their characters were going in, and everyone was butting heads. You would have thought that 20 years later all the animosity would be water under the bridge, but no, it’s was like time stood still.”

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The center of the chaos? Unsurprisingly, sources claim it’s Hibachi grill burn victim Tori Spelling and Jennie Garth. Because women are always the reason for on-set drama! Funny enough, a second source spoke to In Touch and reminded the magazine that Spelling and Garth are the executive producers. Meaning, they might have more control over storylines than what’s been alleged. Besides that, nothing has thrown me deeper into the clutches of madness than the deranged infographic comparing the similarities between Robert Pattinson’s starring roles as Batman and Edward Cullen.

  • They’re both orphans, with Edward’s parents dying of influenza and Batman’s parents murdered in a mugging.
  • Both are “infamous” bachelors who find love in brunette white women.
  • Their personalities are described as “brooding gentleman” and “brooding vigilante.”
  • Both characters are billionaires. Wait, the Twilight vampires were BILLIONAIRES?
  • Both have superhero-esque powers.
  • Both are summoned through mysterious means, telepathy and the bat signal.
  • Their archenemies are “goofy,” with Edward’s being a 3300-year-old giggling vampire warlord and Batman’s being an anarchist clown.

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Look at the tabloids discovering the concept of fictional archetypes! As for this week’s blind:

“I want a baby!” That’s what this outspoken singer-actress is telling her friends. But she doesn’t want just any old baby. This single star can’t wait for Mr. Right, so she’s hit up two of Hollywood’s biggest stars and asked them both to be her sperm donor! So far neither of the guys has signed on to become the baby daddy.”

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This has me... genuinely stumped?

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Ok!:

Breezing past this cover story, let’s check in with Aunt Becky. Sources claim she’s “tortured by regret,” despite otherwise appearing to believe her sentencing carries no weight or meaning. We’re also reminded that she currently enjoys freedom in a $35 million Bel-Air mansion. Ok!’s rendering of it, however, paints it as a Grey Gardens wasteland where Aunt Becky “wanders among the cold rooms, where she and Mossimo For Target used to laugh with their children, have family dinners, and entertain the cream of Hollywood society.” Imagine losing your family to a bribery scandal, where your daughter’s biggest concern seems to be the loss of her lucrative brand endorsements? While we can’t speak to the personal lives of people who’ve refused on-air interviews (which I support), has this story finally become camp? I find the mental image of an enrobed, wailing Lori Loughlin running her hands along the walls of her cold, desolate Bel-Air estate extremely camp. And the images of Olivia Jade’s friends loading an enlarged portrait of a YouTube vlogger (David Dobrik) into the moving truck? Definitely camp.

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I also think it’s time we check in with the cast of The Hills reboot. After a bizarre early press cycle and failed first launch, rumors have been swirling that the editors were left with “nothing to cut” after the first round of filming. Stephanie Pratt revitalized the buzz around the show when she started a late-in-the-game feud with her brother and Heidi Montag. She claimed on her podcast, Pratt Cast, the she was “not on good terms,” and described them as “not my family.” This seemed to save the upcoming series, at least based on the two-page spread Ok! dedicated to the on-set rumors. Some of the juiciest “scoops” include:

  • Everyone hates Oujia House star Mischa Barton. “She was never a part of the inner circle.”
  • Audrina Patridge was considered “the biggest troublemaker” this season. Among the complaints against her, the source notes her attitude, ego, and need to grab “the best clothes from the rack.” They even claim that, behind the scenes, she once grabbed a dress right from Heidi Montag’s clutches?
  • Brody Jenner “caused chaos” after not showing up for shoots.
  • Everyone’s jealous of Pamela Anderson’s son, Brandon Lee, who’s described as a “scene stealer.”
  • Every mom on set is in a war over who has the cutest baby, which is extremely suburban and absolutely on brand for 30-something L.A. “socialites.”

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Meanwhile: Melissa McCarthy opened up farm life. According to the actress, she was a “loner” who once had a goth phase. (In this we relate!) Denise Richards is being lauded as “the new queen bee” of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, someone lied and claimed Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron are getting back together, and Luke Bryan might be on the outs at American Idol. Everyone’s stepping out in a thigh high slit, Alicia Silverstone wore it better, and Ali Larter became a Brach’s Double Dipped Hazelnuts sponsor. I also haven’t stopped thinking about chaos merchants Brittany Cartwright and Jax Taylor’s brand new $2 million mansion in the Valley. Is 3,800 square feet a mansion? It should be! Just last year, the pair were pretending to be working class waitstaff at a popular L.A. hotspot!

What else?

  • Naomi Watts allegedly asked Billy Crudup for “space.”
  • Johnny Galecki is “low key in love.”
  • Never forget that Karl Lagerfeld’s cat Choupette had $3.5 million in assets before he died earlier this year.
  • It might come as a surprise, but Melissa Rauch’s tofu pudding recipe includes tofu.
  • Diane Von Furstenberg funded her granddaughter’s Aeropostale adjacent capsule collection.
  • Allison Williams: “I have no edge whatsoever. I’m just a girl from Connecticut.”
  • Colin Farrell is a Gemini.

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Life & Style:

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Considering the lack of genuinely fun news this week, I’d like to start with this incredible fake cover for Claws. It’s a genuinely outrageous and enjoyable show that deserves some much needed love. I’m glad to see these comedic geniuses get their due with a full page, dedicated advertorial! And before you ask, I only set aside my disdain for capitalist marketing practices when it concerns Central Florida nail technicians. (Side note: Give these costume designers an Emmy, cowards!) Aside from that, why not wrap this up quickly. Sources claim Jennifer Aniston “nearly” ran into Justin Theroux during a trip to NYC. Chrissy Metz dropped $1.6 million on a Tarzana farmhouse. Halsey paid off a fan’s $250 speeding ticket after they revealed she’d been listening to her new song, “Nightmare.” Tipsters won’t stop selling stories about Courtney Cox’s Friends reunion, Margot Robbie went diving at the Hotel du Cap-Eden-Roc in Cannes, and Jenny “Vaccines Cause Autism” McCarthy “celebrated National Asthma and Allergy Awareness Month With Amazon’s Treasure Truck at the Puffs Magic Garden.” And for my new segment, let’s pivot to the latest in “Celebrities Hanging Out With Animated Characters At Sponsored Events.”

  • Vanessa Hudgens’ “hung out with Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, and Goofy at the opening of Black Tap Craft Burgers & Shakes in Downtown Disney.” (I’ll have the Bam Bam Shake, please!)
  • Uma Thurman “struck a playful pose” at Dreamworks’ Trolls The Experience.
  • Josh Gad walked the Cannes red carpet with his Angry Bird “pals” to promote The Angry Birds Movie 2.

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Elsewhere, Maya Rudolph poured herself some wine. Alysia Reiner ate a hundred-dollar bill at the premiere of Triple Frontier. Paris Hilton gushed about the experience of eating gold-plated sushi. Taylor Swift described herself as a “raccoon in a dumpster.” Oh, and the most important news of the week! Hannah Brown, the latest Bachelorette somebody, has already been dumped by a contestant vying for the fleeting fame associated with dating her on national television. The drama involves a rugby game where the contestants got “rough” with each other. Life & Style then employs the word “tattle” to describe one dude who ratted out his teammates to his potential wife. When she “sided with his rival,” as the production assistant describes it, he stormed off before the nightly execution ceremony. Wishing nobody involved the best of luck! I’m also shocked at the news of Kimye’s recent fifth wedding anniversary. Don’t you feel the non-existent flow of time in the hellscape we’ve been trapped in? How has it not been 50 years of suffering under the brutal regime of the Fit Tea Federation?

I’d like to finish with this beautiful and spon-filled spread from Ok! USA’s Summer Kickoff, Sponsored by Bartenura, Hemp Hydrate, Ciroc Summer Watermelon, Dove Gelato, Mohegan Sun’s Back of House, and Heineken. Imagine hearing the photographer ask, “Don’t forget to pose with your bottle of Hemp Hydrate, Tinsley!”

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As for this week’s collage: