This Week In Tabloids: Angelina Is A Pregnant Former Cokehead

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I search for pearls of truth in oceans of magazines. This week, Angelina Jolie’s former drug dealer gets a moment in the spotlight, J-Woww gets a makeunder and Obama gets old.

Us
“Getting Engaged!”
Kinda slow gossip week, folks. This story is about Jim Toth being “ready” to propose to Reese Witherspoon. He wants to design the ring himself, and the proposal will be private— he’ll either take Reese away someplace or they’ll go to her farm. And that’s it. Next: Sandra Bullock’s “exclusive” vacation photos are two pictures of Louis being cute. A source claims that Beyoncé is pregnant, and in her first trimester. “B was shocked. She loves kids, but she wasn’t ready to be a mother just yet. She really wanted to get her album done and tour the world again. But she knows this is a gift from God and she’s so happy.” Okay? (And why wasn’t Beyoncé the big image on the cover, hmm?) Jennifer Lopez is in a new Gucci ad with her kids, if you care. And lastly: In “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me: Jerry Springer,” we learn he was born in a subway station that served as a bomb shelter during World War II, and he hates communism, onions and cilantro.
Grade: D- (barnacle)

Ok!
“Ryan Breaks Maci’s Heart.”
This isue looks different inside, probably thanks to new editor Richard Spencer, who used to work at Bauer Publishing, home of In Touch and Life & Style. Disclosure: When I worked at celebrity teen zine J-14, he was my boss! So the mag seems newsier now, and it’s meaner. It’s probably supposed to be snarky, but it’s just mean. For instance: Christina Aguilera on a slide with her son is captioned “Yaaay!!! I’m Gonna Be A Divorcée!” In the cover story, Teen Mom‘s Maci is supposed to be heartbroken because her baby daddy Ryan is seeing some new chick. But Maci and Ryan are not together, and Maci has a new boyfriend, so she’s not heartbroken, despite what the cover says. To Ok!‘s credit, they did interview Ryan, his new gf and did a photo shoot with the two of them and Bentley, Maci and Ryan’s son. (maybe that broke Maci’s heart?). Here’s a great quote from 22-year-old Ryan on his relationship with Morgan, the new gal: “We’re taking it slow. Sex makes babies, so I quit that game.” He’s a keeper! In other news, there’s a story which claims Meri from Sister Wives is thinking about leaving Kody, but presents zero evidence to support that clam beyond what was seen on the show. Kat Von D has broken up with Jesse James. In “Little Kids, Big Problems,” we learn that Suri is growing up too fast, and Shiloh is “living a lonely life.” The mag copy reads: “In fact, the routine she and her siblings most look forward to is eating at a McDonald’s where ever they are. A family insider explains the allure of the golden arches: ‘It’s the only constant for the kids. It’s easy and they like it. The kids have happy meals from every country. It’s their way of keeping track of where they’ve been.'” On the cover, there’s a line which reads: “BULLIED FOR THEIR WEIGHT.” But how Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jennifer Hudson solved that, according to the mag, was to lose weight. So there’s a standard diet article with pictures of grilled chicken and so on, and info about how, for JLH, “the mean comments spurred her on to get her best body ever.” This same story has a side bar called “Hollywood’s Unfair Idea Of The Perfect Weight” with how much actresses like Minka Kelly and Gabourey Sidibe supposedly weight, and “Bullying Lead To Tragedy,” true tales of people who took their lives after being bullied. It’s just weird. Lastly, in the “Big Debate” section of the mag, Salon’s Tracy-Clark Flory weighs in on the Duke Fuck List, which doesn’t seem like it belongs next to Teen Mom gossip, but whatever.
Grade: D (rotten clam)

In Touch
“Teen Moms In Crisis.”
Amber Portwood’s “crisis” is that she’s a bad mom and she’s never home — says her neighbor Tiffany. She adds: “There are cars coming and going. I see different guys walk in and then leave in the morning.” But if Amber is never home, then what are those guys doing? Maci’s “crisis” is that Ryan still treats her badly, and she may have had a nose job. Farrah’s “crisis” is that she’s broke, her mother was arrested for allegedly hitting her, and she maybe has boob implants. In other words: The Teen Moms are not in crisis more than they are in any given week. Let’s move on… Janet Jackson is engaged! The lucky man is Qatari businessman Wissam Al Mana, who is quite handsome, and we read somewhere that he’s a billionaire! He gave her a 15-carat diamond ring, and he is 35 while she is 44. Go Janet! Angelina Jolie is a “monster” on the set of the film she is directing. That is, according to an extra. Apparently Angie is “tough to work with” and “demanding.” Um. Of course she is demanding, she is directing you in a movie! Apparently Angie has rules for the set — no cameras, personal calls, tardiness or even bathroom breaks, unless authorized by Angelina. So you can’t just wander off the set in the middle of the movie to pee and call your mom? THE HORROR. “I’ve been caught using my phone on the set,” says an extra. “There are penalties and monetary fines for breaking the rules. We are not allowed to ask questions or have an opinion on pretty much anything — we are considered to be employee-robots.” Really? Angelina is not asking the extras for their opinion as she shoots her film? This is the best you’ve got? Moving along. J-Woww had a makeover, or makeunder, really, in which she went “from Shore to chic.” (see image 7). Did you know that Hollywood is on a “cheek-plumping craze”? (see image 8). Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale are building an addition to their home, so clearly they are “ready” for another baby. Gwen allegedly wants a girl, so she can dress her up, have tea parties, and so on, but we think Kingston would be down for that, he is so awesome.
Grade: D (broken mussel)

Star
“A New Baby.”
Michael Douglas Deathwatch continues at Star headquarters — the cover blares that a baby is “Michael’s final gift” to Catherine. And inside, the text reads: “Michael’s prospects of beating cancer are growing dimmer each day.” Sigh. Cathy Z made a joke last year — before his cancer diagnosis — saying “darling, I really want another baby, or a puppy. And the puppy came FedEx so quick.” But basically, the magazine obtained pix of Michael and Catherine’s house in Bedford, NY, and wrote a story around the images. She is not pregnant but family insiders “think” he froze some sperm before he started chemo. The last horrible quote, from an insider: “She thinks a baby would give him the extra determination he needs to keep fighting.” As though life itself, and having a wife, family and awesome career are not enough? He needs an INFANT to get through treatment? Gah. Moving on. Guess who else is pregnant but not really? Angelina Jolie. There’s even a patented picture of her abdomen with an arrow and the word “baby bump.” (see image 9) Of course, the editors cover their asses by adding a question mark. But a source says: “Brad has been strutting around like a proud peacock with a big grin on his face.” And the mag claims that’s why Brad and Angie have been so lovey-dovey: “When Angie is pregnant, Brad treats her like gold.” Meaning he treats her like shit the rest of the time? In Knifestyles, we’re meant to believe that Marion Cotillard got breast implants (see image 10). Oh, and Bristol Palin “can’t waltz the weight away” on Dancing With The Stars, so she should be ashamed of herself or something (see image 11). Rihanna’s jealousy is allegedly driving Matt Kemp away — they had a huge fight after she went through his phone and saw numbers and texts of female friends. In a shady move, Star ran a picture of the woman who served as a surrogate for Neil Patrick Harris’s twins, printed her name and the store she owns and operates. Christina Aguilera finds Samantha Ronson’s confidence “sexy” and they have bonded over their love of music. Xtina visits Sam’s house frequently, and they’ve been spending a lot of time together lately. When they were in Mexico for Nicole Richie’s bachelorette party, “it was obvious to everyone that they were into each other.” Last, but not least: A charticle explaining how Kim Kardashian makes money (see image 12) . She has a $500,000 deal to host events at Tao nightclubs, including her birthday, which she celebrated in Las Vegas and then the very next night in New York. She got $40,000 to go into Best Buy and check out cell phones. And that time she bowled in high heels? She got $40,000 for that. Sigh.
Grade: D+ (sea slug)

Life & Style
“The Video That Will Split Brad & Angie”
Franklin Meyer claims he used to be Angelina Jolie’s drug dealer, and that she was high when she was on Charlie Rose in 2000 (video here.) We suspect Meyer was paid to blab to the mag, since he spills so many details and has his picture in the story and is also trying to sell his homevideo footage of Angie. In one of the clips, she is next to someone who is doing heroin. Angelina has admitted to doing drugs in her youth, so lord only knows why this is a big deal. But Meyer says the walls of her NYC apt were covered with photographs of dead bodies (Maybe it was research for The Bone Collector?). He says she told him she accidentally killed her childhood pets. And: “We’d see each other two to three times a week. She would snort the heroin and cocaine in front of me.” In the ongoing campaign to smear this woman, this is a fairly weak attempt. Meyer spent eight months in prison at Rikers Island for what he says was “attempted cocaine possession.” How do you “attempt” to possess cocaine? When you are a drug dealer? Is that a real charge? Meyer, whom we suspect is wearing a curly brown toupee (see image 13), says he has 40 hours of footage of Jolie and other celebs that he “might try to do something with.” In Christina Aguilera news, despite all the Sam Ronson stuff, there’s a rumor that she cheated on Jordan Bratman with a MALE production assistant on the movie Burlesque. Amber from Teen Mom is pregnant again, says a dude who is friends with Gary, Amber’s on-again-off-again boyfriend. Jordan Sanchez, Gary’s best friend, says “Gary’s been telling people that Amber is pregnant again.” And he notes that he’s not sure Gary is the father, because it could be that ex-con Amber was living with. Jordan also says Gary and Amber are still together: “I don’t know if Gary will ever leave her. Gary feels like everything that’s gone wrong in their relationship is his fault, but it’s not. She beat him. She called him fat. She called him ugly. She made him feel like dirt.” Courteney Cox and David Arquette “reunited” when their daughter, Coco, was in a equestrian show in Malibu. After 2 months of dating, Kat Von D has broken up with Jesse James and is back with Nikki Sixx. “Kat used Jesse to win Nikki back, and it worked,” says a friend. The mag adds: “We love it when the player gets played.” Here’s a fun item: On a recent flight, Snooki walked onto the plane and announced, “Snooki is here.” Once in flght, Snooki lined up her tater tots on her tray table to eat them. She watched TV clips of herself on Chelsea Lately, and said, “uh oh” like a kid when she burped. Next, Brandy says: “I haven’t been with a man seriously — and in love — in six years.” When asked if that means she’s been celibate for six years, she says: “Um. No. But it’s been a long time. We’re talking years.” Presented without comment: The Jersey Shore “Official” Hook Up Tally (see image 14). Oh, also: President Obama has aged 10 years in 2 years, mostly because in one picture he is frowning. (see image 15). The mag recommends he use Lancôme Génifique Youth Activating Concentrate, which retails for $78. Finally: Sarah Jessica Parker has finally ditched her ubiquitous gray cardigan (see image 16). Oh frabjous day.
Grade: C- (warm oyster)