Bethany Frankel called it first, after it was revealed that Pete Davidson was dating Kate Beckinsale following his split from Ariana Grande. “So Pete Davidson was engaged to the sexy & talented @ArianaGrande and is now dating the beyond stunning @KateBeckinsale? So I guess it’s clear that he shoots diamonds out of his penis?” she tweeted.
I don’t know about that, specifically—a diamond would massacre a condom, and your vulva—but it’s clear that something is up with Davidson’s dick, because he was seen leaving the house of supermodel Kaia Gerber on Wednesday. This, after recently breaking up with his doppelgänger, Margaret Qualley.
The facts all point to one irrefutable conclusion: Pete Davidson has a good dick. It may be huge, as Grande herself said, but it may not be! It may just be good. Dick news gets around, you know? (They say nothing travels faster than the speed of light, but dick news actually does, by a full 12 percent. Look it up.) Others in Hollywood have heard tell of Pete’s dick, but furtive whispers passed between bathroom sinks at the Golden Globes are no longer enough. They need to see the dick for themselves.
An insider told Page Six the two are “just friends,” but the dick point still stands, as it were. [Page Six]
Kylie Jenner went with her friend Stassie Karanikolaou to get Lasik, and then they had a party to celebrate. Please head directly to the eight minute mark of the below video to see the two in pink mini dresses featuring giant eyeballs.
I know it’s a worn-out trope to say that life feels a lot like a Black Mirror episode, but this one hit me with such force I think I need to lie down. Bye!