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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Ted Cruz, America's Creepiest Senator, Compares AOC and Elizabeth Warren to 'Girls Gone Wild'

Cruz conjured the image of his colleagues "in bikinis" on a podcast. Mind you, Cruz knows a little something about wild Spring Break trips, himself.

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Image for article titled Ted Cruz, America's Creepiest Senator, Compares AOC and Elizabeth Warren to 'Girls Gone Wild'
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If you can believe it, the U.S. Senator who inexplicably “liked” porn on his official Twitter account on 9/11 of all days (before blaming it on “an intern”) just publicly painted a picture of two of his Congressional colleagues “in bikinis” on his podcast on Friday.

I am, of course, talking about none other than Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tx.), who referred to Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-N.Y.), the youngest woman ever elected to Congress, and Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.), who literally created the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, as “girls gone wild.”

“You remember those videos that would come out every spring break, Girls Gone Wild, and it would have lots of college women in bikinis, or, not bikinis—it reminds me of much the same thing. This is ‘Liberals Gone Wild,’” Cruz told his podcast co-host, conservative commentator Michael Knowles. “This is the crazy left. This is AOC, Elizabeth Warren—thank god, not in bikinis—but embracing their socialist nuttiness.” His comments are in reference to the supposedly very crazy things for which these two women advocate, like addressing the $1.7 trillion student debt crisis or making health care more affordable.

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“It’s literally like someone sat down at a bar and said, ‘How much crazy crap can we do?’” Cruz concluded.

I don’t know, Ted, but probably nothing crazier than publicly sexualizing their colleagues! In any case, if Cruz wants to talk about wild spring break trips and Girls Gone Wild, all he has to do is look in the mirror: Just over a year ago, while Texans were dying from a power grid failure amid a devastating state-wide snowstorm, Cruz was jetting off to Cancun for Spring Break, and eventually blamed the ill-advised trip on his child daughters.

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Cruz and Knowles, two alleged adults who cursedly managed to get their hands on a set of microphones, convene on Friday mornings to talk big-picture societal issues on Verdict with Ted Cruz. Inevitably, their conversations always mange to veer into Cruz’s most graphic sexual fantasies: A conversation about how Pete Davidson pulls hot famous women wound up revealing that the debate stage booger-eater has a thing for black leather and vampires. As for which of his sexual fantasies he’s chosen to divulge this week, I’ll let his choice to invoke the image of AOC in a bikini, entirely unprovoked, speak for itself.

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Mind you, in literally any other workplace, this would be treated as the sexual harassment it obviously is. But because this is Congress—where you can plot to possibly have your co-workers killed and post anime videos of yourself killing them—it’s just Ted bein’ Ted!

And we all know what bein’ Ted entails: lots, and lots, of needlessly making everything about sex, like the good, family values-driven, Christian conservative he is. This is a man who has publicly aired out his Wattpad fan fiction tale of Mickey Mouse and Pluto fucking. A man who all but took out and waved his flaccid penis at Montana airport employees, repeatedly screaming at them in a theatrical performance of masculinity, “Do you know who I am??” (Yes, Ted! You’re that one Senator who “liked” porn on 9/11!!) And, alas, a man who not five years ago forced a nation to envision him masturbating to “hardcore incest porn” on the anniversary of a national tragedy.

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This is all to say, if I were AOC, I would take great pains to stay as far away from Sen. Cruz as possible. As for all the warnings from Republicans about those scary, perverted, sex-crazed “groomers”—the call, as we’ve all known, seems to be coming from inside the house.