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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Ted Cruz, Vile Man, Cannot Grasp How Pete Davidson Gets ‘Hot Women'

On his podcast this week, Cruz, a noted authority on hotness, couldn't grasp why attractive women would want to be with the SNL star.

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Saturday Night Live! star Pete Davidson has oft been making headlines lately, namely because of his increasingly serious romantic entanglement with Kim Kardashian. And surely, between all the takes about how the seemingly unremarkable comic has managed to pull a roster of girlfriends like Kardashian, Ariana Grande, and Kaia Gerber, you’ve probably found yourself wondering, “What does Senator Ted Cruz think about Davidson and his allure?” Well, wonder no longer!

In a Friday episode of Cruz’s podcast, which apparently, for some reason, exists, Cruz and co-host Michael Knowles finally weighed in. The conversation started exactly as you might expect on a pod called Verdict with Ted Cruz: with a discussion of “toxic femininity.”

“We are seeing women like Amber Heard, Jada Pinkett Smith, Megan Markle, Kim Kardashian. Is it time we start talking about toxic femininity?” Knowles said, as if these women’s names alone should spell out why they’re supposedly the embodiment of “toxic femininity.”

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Cruz then singled out Kardashian to say the reality star, who has advised other aspiring businesswomen to simply “get your ass up and work,” is “fine,” actually. That was when the conversation inevitably made its way to Davidson, when Knowles interrupted Cruz to say, “But the SNL guy, I don’t, I can’t, I don’t know. I’m team Kanye.”

“Pete Davidson! Alright, how come that dude gets all of these, like, hot women?” Cruz, noted authority on appraising hotness, then asks, before forcing a nation to endure the revelation of what fuels the Texas Senator’s masturbatory fantasies: “Pete Davidson was dating Kate Beckinsale. I mean, you’re talking Underworld, you’re talking like, super hot vampire in black leather trench coat.”

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We already know far more than any of us have ever wanted to know (which is nothing) about Cruz’s sexual proclivities, between his “liking” porn on Twitter on 9/11, and his racy little Wattpad fanfic about Mickey Mouse and Pluto fucking. To now know that he has a leather and vampire fetish is simply too much.

In any case, Cruz, who once ate his own booger while speaking at a Republican presidential debate, wants to know how Davidson can seemingly get any woman he wants. Cruz, who ardently supported the presidential campaign of a man who called his wife ugly, wants to know how Davidson has achieved such success in his relationships. “But really? The SNL dude?” he asked Knowles, bewildered.

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There are no simple explanations for a relationship like Davidson and Kardashian’s. Perhaps hot women are into men who aren’t working 24/7 to turn their bodies into state-controlled baby-making machines? Or, at the very least, I’d guess they want to date a man who isn’t the reason 9/11 is the anniversary of both a terrorist attack and the day we all had to think about a US Senator masturbating. In any case, Senator Cruz wants to know how Davidson pulls, and I want to know how a literal insurrectionist is still a Senator! We all have questions!!