Tan Mom Frightens Me Because I Think She Is My Future

If you are an ancient crone who has been in and around the internet since roughly 2012, then Tan Mom—Patricia Krentcil, the woman in red seen above—is a familiar figure. Krentcil is a New Jersey woman who gained internet notoriety for being grotesquely tan and also allegedly putting her daughter in a tanning bed when she was six years old—charges that were later cleared. Recently, Tan Mom was in a medically induced coma due to complications from pneumonia. Thankfully, she has recovered, and is making an appearance at a boxing match in Fort Lauderdale. I am happy for Tan Mom, who seems to be less tan than she was in 2012. I am also frightened of her because I think she is my future.

Unlike Tan Mom, I have no children and do not have the desire to do so. That means the part about me being potentially arrested for putting my daughter in a tanning bed and then being cleared of the charges is not what the future holds for me. However, much like Tan Mom, I really like to be tan. I understand that this is not a popular opinion and that courting the sweet rays of the sun for this express purpose is now out of vogue. It is not 1973 and I am not a sullen teen coated in baby oil with one of those silver visors, though in my heart, I might be. But physical appearance aside, something about Tan Mom’s zest for life is inspirational and her post-notoriety fame trajectory is the clearest blueprint I’ve seen for what my future could possibly hold.

Aesthetically, I have no love for Tan Mom’s predilection towards bandage dresses and statement necklaces, but I can see myself tottering in that direction in maybe 10 years’ time, tooted up on nothing but my own indefatigable spirit and a pair of uncomfortable wedge sandals. It’s not the future I necessarily want, but it is a future that I can recognize. Mapping the contours of the unknown is an excellent self-soothing mechanism in times of great duress. I am not striving for greatness because I have set realistic expectations for myself. Solidly average is all I can hope for, and that seems to be the path set out for me by Tan Mom, a woman who is not afraid to be free.