Please, Hayley Atwell, Not Lord Xenu!

Illustration for article titled Please, Hayley Atwell, Not Lord Xenu!
Image: Alberto Pizzoli (Getty Images)

In 2019, rumors exploded across the tabloid industry that Tom Cruise and Elisabeth Moss had engaged in the long and complicated mating ritual of their shared religion, Scientology. Sources told Ok! that Moss’s friends had spilled her crush to Cruise’s hidden spy network, and the two became involved in some convoluted fashion. Moss later denied all of this, but elsewhere in Hollywood, rumors bubbled up that Cruise planned to abandon the Church altogether. This was, in fact, demonstrably untrue.

It’s a new year, and fresh new rumors plague the embattled spokesperson for the world’s largest sci-fi convention. British tabloids now speculate that Cruise is seemingly entangled with Mission Impossible 7 co-star Hayley Atwell. The Sun reports the two actors were seen arm in arm at a London screening of the film. Tipsters tell the tabloid:

“Lockdown, and all the difficulties that came with it, brought them even closer and they’ve become fairly inseparable. They’ve been meeting up after hours, and she’s been to his London pad. They get on brilliantly, and both seem very happy.”

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Photos from the set in Italy depict them “holding hands between takes,” according to The Sun. This proves nothing, except that I should probably learn more about Xenu’s mating rituals.

Earlier this week, Cruise was the center of another scandal in the Sun. Leaked audio revealed a lengthy rant Cruise directed at crew members for an alleged breach of covid-19 protocols on set. The tabloid soon reported that Cruise engaged in not one but two tirades. Five crew members reportedly quit, and one source told the Sun: “The first outburst was big but things haven’t calmed since. Tension has been building for months and this was the final straw.”

Reps for Atwell, meanwhile, have not yet returned a request for comment on her relationship with Cruise. While I wait—Hayley, if you’re reading this, maybe just wave your arms around a bunch?

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DISCUSSION

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PenguinLust2:ElectricBoogigloo

RUN HAYLEY.  I don’t believe any of this given the sourcing, but if even a smattering of it is true, for the love of Xenu, RUN HAYLEY, RUN!!!!!!