This Week In Tabloids: Elisabeth Moss and Tom Cruise Begin Their Scientology Mating Ritual

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers is trapped inside her apartment as thunder and rain ravage the California coastline. I have nothing of note to begin this week’s column with, except a reminder that Renée Zellweger and Ewan McGregor starred in the 2003 classic Down With Love. I could stress that I didn’t rewatch the film multiple times over the weekend, but why lie! (And please, HBO, if you’re listening: Let me write a prestige dramedy vehicle for Renée Zellweger, please.)

Let’s dive in!

In Touch:

This is certainly dramatic! And considering the “sources” are aplenty this week, I think it’d be more productive to start a thread of wild speculation as to who’s leaking the secondhand gossip. My personal theory involves a cabal of rich British socialites that gather in the basement of their favorite medspa to outline their weekly plan of attack. Throughout the meeting, a Susan or a Kathy guards the door (where a password is required for entry.) Kathy, in a Chanel two-piece and modest beige pumps, stands stoically through the chorus of “Margaret Thatcher.” Their hidden Facebook group, through which they communicate, is unassuming to their social circles and relatives: “Mom’s Against Trans People Existing.” Do they have enamel pins with the Queen’s face on them stowed inside their crocodile Birkins? Possibly. Are balayages and exposed roots aplenty? Absolutely! As for the developments in their supposed “feud,” Meghan Markle allegedly keeps her baby from Kate Middleton’s clutches. While the detail is painted as an act of treason, it feels remarkably commonplace in the mythology of this falling out. Or maybe my brain is rotted from covering these rich people’s lavish interior lives and nothing excites me anymore. (Both can be true!)

I’d also like to check in on Miranda Lambert this week. As previously discussed, she married an Insta-famous New York City cop named Brendan McLoughlin immediately after his ex-mistress (a lawyer) gave birth to a child he fathered while engaged to a professional soccer player. (The baby’s named Landon, because of course it is.) The newlyweds, who live separately, are back in the tabloids after Lambert bought Brendan a $2 million NYC apartment. There’s even claims that she’s included a nursery for the new baby. Shocking and safe! And while you know I could absolutely write another six paragraphs on the theatrics of a mistress plot line involving a professional soccer player and a country music superstar, we have bigger questions to field: How does one juggle a double life as a tabloid sensation and police officer? When you’re out on the job, enacting state-sponsored violence on the working class, does anyone ever stop you to say, “Hey! My girlfriend read about you in the latest In Touch!”? Do your cop friends roast you in the group chat for having your finances splashed across RadarOnline.com? I’m currently accepting interview requests, Brendan. Call me!

Meanwhile: Rihanna definitely wore it better than Bella Hadid; Margot Robbie stepped out in a Chanel blazer; Malin Ackerman was photographed; and Nicole Scherzinger was referred to as the star of The Masked Singer. Anne Hathaway cried while receiving her paid-for star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And in the most important news of the current press cycle, the Bachelorette revealed its latest cast of muscle twinks and aspiring somebodies. (How could I resist a headline like “A stripper, a virgin, and a dad of 114!”)

• “The Chosen One”: Connor Saeli’s friend told In Touch he’s tried to get television for years. I’m informed that this should shock me.
• “The Bad Boy”: Cam Ayala rapped his introduction to Hannah Brown and was arrested for possession of marijuana. Glad that he can now find moderate notoriety on national television while thousands are still in suffering in prison on the same charges (or less!)
• “The Big Daddy”: Matteo Valles is openly proud of fathering 114 children through sperm donations.
• “The Exotic Dancer”: Jed Wyatt is a Nashville “musician” who was also a stripper at the Music City Male Revue.
• “The Front Runner”: Luke Parker has already been accused of being an “evil, pathological liar” by fellow contestants, but friends tell In Touch he’s “kind and genuine.” He’s also described as a “Georgia-based virgin.”

What else?

• Janelle Evans and David Eason were axed from Teen Mom 2 after Jenelle revealed her husband had brutally shot and killed their family dog.
• Cardi B poured a bottle of water on herself while performing for Fashion Nova.
• Colton Underwood “revealed” that he’d “be open” to “televising his wedding.”
• Eva Longoria golfed at the George Lopez Celebrity Golf Classic.
• International superstar Missy Elliott received a doctorate of music from Berklee College Of Music.

As for this week’s blind item:

“This A-Lister wants to get remarried, but there’s one special lady in his life who’s telling him to hold off—his 6 year old daughter. Turns out the tyke likes her father’s new girlfriend but she’s still holding out hope that Mommy and Daddy will get back together.”

Gavin Rossdale just debuted his 26-year-old girlfriend to the world, and he has an (almost) 6-year-old with ex-wife Gwen Stefani. These are the only famous divorcees my brain can conjure at the moment. Leave your guess in the comments below!

Ok!:

Elisabeth Moss and Tom Cruise is verifiably the most bonkers celebrity pairing in recent memory. And while I’m generally in fear of anonymous private detectives rifling through my trash, why not dive in anyways. According to sources, their relationship began when Elisabeth Moss revealed her long standing crush to her Scientology friends and they ratted on her to Tom Cruise’s hidden spy network. And while Scarlett Johansson has certainly denied the alleged audition process at the center of Tom Cruise’ love life, I can’t help but imagine Elisabeth Moss showing up in a black tank top and dress pants from Macy’s to the Scientology Headquarters, where she delivers a potent rendition of that Mamet monologue we all know. The Scientology auditors slowly surround her in a circle, clapping their e-meters together in unison as Tom Cruise arrives via helicopter. He delivers a speech that’s drowned out by the whir of the chopper before taking her hand and flying her somewhere over the Atlantic. Above the blue expanse, he whispers The Mission in her ear as she nods with a modest caution. The only thought in her head concerns the Macy’s dress slacks she wishes she’d changed out of. Wow! My imagination has really run away from me this week.

In related news, Katie Holmes arrived at the 2019 Met Gala with alleged, on-and-off boyfriend Jamie Foxx. They even color coordinated! And as someone whose job consists of diving too deep, I briefly uncovered video of the pair on Zac Posen’s Insta-stories involving the Met Gala dance floor and Rihanna’s “We Found Love.” It was a fun moment of obvious, abstract symbology. Ok! also ties in the recent red carpet “debut” with Tom’s “blossoming love” for the Mad Men alum.

“Fans couldn’t help but wonder, why now? ‘It’s quite simple: Katie and Jamie feel like they can be open with their love now that Tom has fallen for Elisabeth. […] The word is that there may have been a lot of resentment from Tom in the past, but now that he’s got other things on his mind, like Elisabeth, he’s much more relaxed.”

Per the arbitrary requirements for rumors of a new celebrity affair, let’s decide on couple names. Tomsabeth? Mruise? Cruiss? I’d ask you to offer suggestions in the comments, but I feel like our options are limited with these two. (My personal favorite? Harbingers of Xenu.)

On another plane of reality, Nicolas Ghesquiere continued designing proletariat costumes for the bourgeois and the Beverly Hills, 90210 reunion resumed its slouch towards Bethlehem. Everyone is in lavender, Meg Ryan was photographed at the 350th anniversary of the Paris Opera,” and Anne Hathaway performed the sacred ritual of appearing on Good Morning America. Jeremy Renner, who American Media previously tied to Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Germonatta, is now “hot for ScarJo.” Yikes! I’m informed that Travis Scott is “begging” for alone time with Kylie Jenner, but I highly doubt it. I’d also like everyone involved with the “Wilmer Valderrama and Demi Lovato Are Meant to Be” spread put it in jail.

What else?

• Kourtney Kardashian is not dating John Mayer.
• I still do not know who Charlie Puth is.
• Katy Perry has not yet escaped her hamburger bun.
• Blake Lively: “I wore Forever 21 much longer than I admitted. I just started saying it was vintage because I was so shamed for it.

Life & Style:

I will not be reporting on the gossip surrounding children who most likely didn’t ask for the intense press scrutiny. (Especially when most of the press is an excuse for blatant transphobia.) Instead, why not ruminate on the rumors that former Amazon spokeswoman Olivia Jade could send Aunt Becky to jail. As you might have heard, Olivia Jade was spotted with a moving van in tow earlier this month amid her mother’s many court appearances. My favorite detail of their “Mother’s Day Showdown” are the disgruntled paparazzi photos from inside the IKEA, where Olivia Jade was ostensibly buying $5 plastic containers and a variety of brightly colored throw pillows. (A grim and exciting reminder that the ruling class is just like us—rubbing shoulders at the IKEA.) And while I’m growing bored of discussing the collapse of Aunt Becky’s interior life, I do think we can mine her downfall for something resembling a “take”: If her daughter indeed flips on her in court, we might posit that teaching your children to contextualize the world through wealth has unforeseen consequences. Let’s put in a pin in it, however, and move the fuck on.

I saw two instances of a metallic leopard print trench coat on the first page of the style section. We’re off to a rocky start! Everyone still believes that Kim Kardashian’s Met Gala snatchery was achieved through rib removal instead of a custom corset. I’m inclined to believe them! LeeAnne Locken still thinks her wedding tiara cost $1.5 million, a Hadid stepped out in Alaïa, Kristen Bell dressed up as a zookeeper. Ryan Reynolds spit on Jimmy Fallon. Jennifer Garner loves cheese strings. Reese Witherspoon has taken a single, continuous bath every night for four years counting. Somebody please check on Hayden Panettiere. We’re also treated to a list of celebrities who met in their Instagram DMs. This should be fun!

• Sarah Hyland and somebody named Wells Adam met after she tweeted at him and he offered to take her to “tacos.” Fun facts: The former DJ was previously a contestant on The Bachelorette and Sarah Hyland only reached out because “She thought he might be a fan of her show.” Modern dating!
• Dylan Sprouse and Barbara Palvin met after she followed him for years and he eventually DMed her. What a doozy: “Hey. I don’t know if you’re in New York for very long. We should hang out if you want to. Here’s my #.” She didn’t respond for six months.
• Antoni Porowski met boyfriend Trace Lehnhoff after breaking off seven-year relationship and chasing the former on Instagram. “It’s like, the 2019 way.”
• Taylor Goldsmith and Mandy Moore: They met via social media after she Instagram-ed his band’s albums 2015. I got incredibly bored halfway through writing this sentence. Sorry, Mandy!

I’ll take these closing moments to address a photograph I’ve been haunted by. At some point in the past year, Julianne Hough got bangs. I’ve been endlessly cursed by the red carpet photos for months. I see them as I flip. I seem them splashed across the front page of People.com and the Daily Mail. I see them as I close my eyes at night, the screams of the night drowned out by the oppressive white noise these photos emit. If you or somebody you know is versed in Pop Culture Exorcisms—call me!

Us Weekly:

It’s another Varsity Blues cover! But the real news? That’s hiding just below the surface. Iris Van Herpen is having a much deserved red carpet moment, Rita Ora donned a jumpsuit, and Busy Philipps ate an ice cream cone. Howie Mandel rode a JetBlue plane alone, and Connie Britton “enjoyed branching with family at Chateau Mormont.” Ginnifer Goodwin keeps a flip phone in her “old school Tamara Mellon Kiss satchel.” I also discovered that Abby Lee Miller is not only out of prison, but she underwent an emergency procedure for non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma that resulted in an 18-inch spinal scar. While the trauma a of such a procedure is currently unimaginable to me, are we ready to let this nightmare back on television? I’m also shocked that Jane Lynch went on the record to state: “This country needs Glee now more than ever. It’s such a terrific blueprint.” National treasure Ana Gasteyer was also gifted with a “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me,” so why not end there:

• 1. She recorded a Christmas album, Sugar and Booze!
• 4-6. She is legally blind in her right eye, was cast as Helen Keller in middle school because of it, and wore an eyepatch for much of her early childhood?
• 12. She considers herself a “deeply loyal member of loyalty programs.” She still gets her yearly Starbucks birthday drink!
• 18. She measures her success by how often her name appears in crosswords and rescue dogs that are named after her.
• 21. “I love game nights!”
• 24. Her idea of “birthday joy” involves an IKEA trip.

Enjoy this week’s collage!