On Monday, as has been the tradition for the last few Bachelor/Bachelorette runs, host Chris Harrison went live on YouTube to reveal the contestants from the forthcoming season. This time, he introduced Bachelor Nation to 30 promising young women vying for the heart of Pilot Peter Weber, a.k.a. the guy who had sex a bunch of times in a windmill with Hannah Brown and is not Mike Johnson. Peter is a dweeb, but maybe he’ll find the dweeby love of his life in this cast and crew of women from Texas who work as flight attendants and are probably named Victoria.
It’s usually fun to judge these future reality TV show villains based on little more than Harrison’s old man humor, but this time around, it made me cringe. Harrison has somehow learned to drop more borderline-racist rhetoric in the last few months? Does The Bachelor have an HR department? It seems like... no?
Anyway, here are the women.
Harrison promises “maybe the wildest rollercoaster ride of the season” will center around Alayah, which doesn’t bode well for me or anyone else sick of the “pageant girl” narrative that permeates all Bachelor talk post-Hannah Brown. After he teases “controversy,” and “something that has never happened on the show” happening to this poor girl (he does that every season? every episode perhaps?) he tosses his note cards and instructs the audience to, “Google David Letterman, kids.” Someone come collect this mans.
Usually it takes a few more than two contestants for Harrison to say something problematic, but his eerie enthusiasm for screaming about Alexa’s great hair with “love the ‘do” is unsettling. He also describes her as “reserved yet outrageous,” so let’s see where this goes. Based on his horrible intro alone, I want her to win? Justice for Alexa?
Avonlea is a “cattle rancher/model,” which leads me to believe she is professionally the daughter of rich people.
Apparently Courtney likes “patience” and a “good joke.” She’s also going to come out of the limo and make an aviation pun at him, just you wait. I’m calling it now.
Is everyone on this show from Texas? Also, Harrison tells us to look out for “Deandra’s very expressive eyes,” which either means meme-able moments, or Ok Boomer is boomer’ing up the place again with his nonsense.
Eunice is “a flight attendant who does not like the fly,” which I’m sure will work out for her since she is trying to win the heart of a pilot.
According to Harrison, Hannah Ann is friends with Hannah G. from Bachelor in Paradise and Colton Underwood’s season of The Bachelor, and that’s why she’s here. Also, according to him, the “girl’s got a backbone.” I would hope so. She would fall over without it.
Jade wants to become a pilot like Peter. Based on this crop of contestants alone, is his career his only personality trait? Anyway, I’m going to go ahead and wager that he will be too intimidated by a woman who shares his profession, and Jade won’t make it too far.
All Harrison says about Jasmine is that she speaks Vietnamese when she comes out of the limo on night one, and he literally refers to her as “Spicy Vietnamese!” Someone please fire this man.
All Harrison had to say about Jenna is that she exits the limo with another woman night one, and then he refers to her as “Ashley P.,” so you know she’s not making it past the first week.
Here, Harrison says Katrina has “more personality than she knows what to do with,” which he uses as an opportunity to once again bring up “the Vietnamese intro that was very dirty.”
Apparently Kelley and Peter linked up before the show, which means she’s going to make it pretty far in the season to fulfill a destiny narrative. Hire me to produce this show, ABC, I know your moves.
Kelsey is yet another peasant girl. Harrison calls her “one of the most emotional women” on the show. She attempts to coin the phrase “crying is cool.” Harrison says there’s something surrounding her called “Champagne-gate,” which is wack because shouldn’t the viewers get to name the gossip? At least pretend along with us, dude.
Apparently Kiarra puts her life in danger the first night, which already makes me want to root for her. Also, apparently she becomes a “house favorite.” Unfortunately for her, nice gals often finish last. Fortunately for her, I like that top.
Kylie clearly wants to pivot from her day job to full-time Instagram model and I really hope this show makes her dream come true.
Lauren is a “self-made” woman, and for that reason, she is “the envy” of all the women “night one,” according to Harrison. If that is true, I’d love to know why she’s on this show? Run, Lauren, RUN!
Lexi seems nice. But only, like, top eight nice.
Harrison says Madison’s “a badass girl” because she plays basketball, but what “really makes her special” is that she is a “good girl.” If someone described me in that way, I’d block ‘em. She gets the first one-on-one date.
Maurissa is the 50th pageant queen this season, and her claim to fame is that she once struggled with her weight but is conventionally hot now. Powerful stuff.
Yet another flight attendant, and one that works at the same airline as Eunice. Can you smell the drama?
Natasha coins the phrase “cats and rats” and was hired onto the show by a friend who is also a producer. I hope the nepotism works in her favor and she gets to stick around for a while, because maybe Peter should date someone who isn’t 22?
This is just Kaley Cuoco going undercover to study up for a new role.
And this is Britt Robinson going undercover for the same role.
Savannah gets the first kiss of the season and was formerly a cheerleader for the Houston Astros. I think she’s going to go far, but only because she emits strong Hannah Brown energy.
Harrison says Shiann “is a fan favorite, she’s going to be.” Is ABC brainwashing us? How does he know what the fan favorites are if the show has yet to air? Help? ...Alexa?
Sydney has no filter, and I hope Sydney is the saboteur of the season. I need her to be.
Harrison mentions that Tammy works six jobs, making her “more of a symbol of the American Dream than anyone who has been on the show.” It’s been a few years since I googled “the American Dream” and expected to find anything other than the ingredients to Stephen Colbert’s Ben and Jerry’s flavor, but I’m pretty sure working oppressive hours to support your family is not it.
Is this Shay Mitchell? Harrison calls Victoria F. the “Forrest Gump of the show,” but then fears he “might get in trouble for that one,” as if he hasn’t been able to hear himself for the previous 500 contestants. Godspeed, Vicky #1.
Harrison labels Victoria P. this season’s 80th “badass woman,” but suggests she’s fast and loose with “the L-word.” So descriptive!
And that’s all she wrote, folks. Peter Weber’s season of the Bachelor premieres on ABC January 6 at 8 p.m. EST. The episode is three hours long. You’ve been warned.