Image: Getty

A person called Pecker is threatening to unleash photographs of Bezos penos (sorry, so very sorry) unto the world, and to that, Jeff Bezos, myself, everyone who likes dick, and everyone who doesn’t, say “No thank you, Mr. Pecker.”

After The National Enquirer published leaked sexts sent from Jeff Bezos to girlfriend Lauren Sanchez while they were still married to other people and disclosed that there were also accompanying dick pics, the Bezos team was quick to insist that the leak was politically motivated. The Enquirer loves Trump, and Bezos owns The Washington Post, which doesn’t. Today, Bezos published a statement on Medium claiming that American Media, parent company of the Enquirer, is blackmailing him with the dick pics in order to stop him and his investigator, Gavin de Becker (I really can’t with these rhyming names), from disclosing information about a nefarious dinner that took place involving American Media owner David Pecker, Trump, and some mysterious third guest with ties to Saudi royals.

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Apparently, the more they felt around for info, the more hot and bothered Pecker became:

A few days after hearing about Mr. Pecker’s apoplexy, we were approached, verbally at first, with an offer. They said they had more of my text messages and photos that they would publish if we didn’t stop our investigation.

All told, one of these dicks has nine pictures of the other one’s pecker, including this one:

A shirtless Mr. Bezos holding his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring. He’s wearing either tight black cargo pants or shorts — and his semi-erect manhood is penetrating the zipper of said garment.

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How does semi-erect manhood penetrate a zipper? Damn you, evil billionaires, you’re going to force me to find out, aren’t you?

Emails from American Media to Bezos’s people really do sound like something that would happen over a plate of spaghetti in a mafia movie. Read this in Joe Pesci’s voice:

That said, if your client agrees to cease and desist such defamatory behavior, we are willing to engage in constructive conversations regarding the texts and photos which we have in our possession.

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And now the whole world is stuck holding the ruler in two rich white dudes’ dick measuring contest. Neat.