Mom, Can You Pick Me Up? Brooklyn Beckham Is Making Things Again

Welp, another day, another culinary calamity produced by Brooklyn Beckham.

This week, as his billionaire father-in-law continues to fight his former wedding planners’ $159,000 deposit, the amateur photographer, stylist, and chef stumbled into the kitchen and whipped up fettuccine alfredo with vegan skim milk and…very little else.

A video posted to Beckham’s Instagram sees our boy boiling pasta (a solid start!) and producing a fairly respectable roux (there ya go, man!) before things take a turn for the worst. First, Beckham doesn’t use a single pinch of seasoning. No salt, ground black pepper, nor cheap garlic powder in sight. Then, just when you think the dish can’t possibly become more inedible, he…doesn’t…add…cheese. That’s right. A solitary sprinkling of parmesan was not involved at any point in the preparation.

Weirder still is the fact that Beckham proceeds to eat the dish—which is, in essence, noodles basted in béchamel and garnished with flaccid basil leaves—whilst drinking…skim milk. Granted, a previous post reveals Beckham is the new face of Silk, so his shitty meal preparation is just sponsored content, but given he already used the brand’s skim milk in the faux-fredo, that it’s the preferred pairing to the dish is as much a head-scratcher as the pasta itself.

Naturally, the post garnered some (sadly, entertaining) criticism. “Do you not seasoning anything at all? Just milk? Guess inflation is hitting everybody,” one user wrote. Another aptly pointed out that even the noodles Beckham used are incorrect: “You used spaghetti, not fettuccine. That’s no Alfredo sauce either. It’s bechamel. You haven’t even seasoned it. Brooklynn please stop. The chef thing isn’t going to happen…”

Of course, this isn’t the first time the internet has roasted Beckham’s kitchen…creations. Most recently, he drew similar concerns when he made a flapjack that, frankly, appeared as dense as a layer of cake. And let us not forget his take on a Sunday roast that gave me botulism from the mere sight of it.

Meanwhile, Beckham’s “billionaire bully” father-in-law continues to take legal action against his former wedding planners, which has unceremoniously exposed what a Bridezilla his “world-famous actress” daughter Nicola was. Text exchanges revealed by the suit show that Beckham had very little input in his own wedding preparations, apart from the suggestion of gendered burgers at the reception.

Truly, I feel bad for the kid. With his every attempt at a career, I grow a little more grateful to my parents for informing me that no, I could not be a pop sensation or a professional basketball player. Fortunately, I discovered I was simply born to be a subpar journalist.

Since Beckham clearly doesn’t have anyone advising him, here’s my two cents: Just collect your parents’ and in-laws’ money and get off the internet.