Madison Cawthorn Laments ‘Soft Metrosexuals’ in Parting Floor Speech

On Wednesday, Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-N.C.) spoke on the House floor for what’s likely to be his final speech since losing his primary back in May. Cawthorn memorably endured a range of scandals in the weeks leading up to the race, including him ratting out his colleagues’ cocaine orgies, the release of photos of him looking lovely in women’s lingerie, and a video of him nude, thrusting his genitals in another man’s face. Nonetheless, he chose to center his farewell remarks around the topic of “soft metrosexuals” and the decline of alpha males in America, which I’ve personally found to be very pleasant.

“America is weak. Her sons are sickly and her daughters are decrepit,” Cawthorn began. “Our young men are taught that weakness is strength, that delicacy is desirable, and that being a soft metrosexual is more valuable than training the mind, body, and soul. Social media has weakened us, siphoning our men of their will to fight.”

He continued, “On this precipice of disaster, I ask the young men of this nation a question: Will you sit behind a screen while the storied tales of your forefathers become a myth? Or will you stand resolute against the dying light of America’s golden age? Will you reclaim your masculinity? Will you become a man to be feared, to be respected, looked up to?”

Are we, in real time, experiencing the decline of alpha males? Once upon a time, men went off to war and died. Now they openly weep about feeling terrified and unsafe in cities populated with people of color, record their little conspiracy theory podcasts, and make their little House floor speeches about the decline of alpha males in America. So, maybe Cawthorn’s onto something and should consider looking in the mirror—or perhaps just the vlog of him fighting a tree?

Cawthorn, 27, was supposed to be a rising star in the Republican Party, winning his seat in a 2020 upset and stoking controversy from the start, given his extensive record of alleged sexual assault and misconduct and virtually zero record of gainful employment. Yet, seeing as those are almost desirable traits to today’s Republican base, it seemed there were no limits to where Cawthorn’s career would go. That is, until March, when he proudly declared that some members of his caucus had invited him to drug-fueled orgies and done a “key bump of cocaine” right in front of him.

Unsurprisingly, the comments didn’t go over well with House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.), who called Cawthorn a liar who needed to “get his life together” and, it seems, promptly employed the finest oppo researchers in town to destroy the young Nazi. Within days of Cawthorn’s cocaine-orgy comments, he made damaging headline after headline. Beyond the lingerie photos and homoerotic video—which both, really, are fine to most of us, save for the aggressively “alpha male” members of Cawthorn’s base—he was also exposed for reckless driving charges, the confiscation of his driver’s license, repeatedly trying to bring a loaded gun through airport security (???), allegations of insider trading, and an ongoing ethics investigation into his questionable payments to a staffer.

I still wonder that his red district really, truly needed all of that, and not just the disqualifying sexual harassment allegations—or, hey, that 2021 video of him inexplicably, repeatedly punching a tree—to ditch him. But here we are, wading through the future right-wing Cameo sensation’s final days, before he’s replaced by a less scandalous but equally harmful Republican successor. Perhaps we’ll be reunited with Cawthorn on the campaign trail with former President Donald Trump come 2024—you know, in Cawthorn’s own words, “barring some terrible information” arising about him. Hmm!