Illustration for article titled Jezebel Olympics Day 7: The Winners and the Losers
Illustration: Chelsea Beck/GMG

The past two weeks have been a triumph of the human spirit; a tour de force of arms, legs, mouths, and hands; a journey of the mind.


In this, the second-ever Jezebel Olympics: Cool Girl Edition, we discovered that Cool Girls are forged not in the streets of a major city, not in the mountains of a mountain range, but in our hearts, and in the blogs.


How could we know that 2016's Olympic VIP Clover Hope would stumble while opening a beer, failing to place altogether? Or that we would learn that Rich Juzwiak was the ultimate competitor? That Phoebe Bradford knew what peatiness is? That Julianne Escobedo Shepherd likes to fuck?

While there was no MVP, it’s clear that Team Wings—Phoebe Bradford, Julianne Escobedo Shepherd, Kelly Faircloth, and Rich Juzwiak—were the champions of the competition. Faircloth, representing the team, slacked me a number of American flags and said, “Just proud to have represented my country (of Wings).” Escobedo Shepherd sent me this:

And Juzwiak sent me this:

And with that, our Olympics conclude.

Overall Standings:

All-Around Team Gold: Team Wings (4 gold medals, 2 silver medals = 16 points)

All-Around Team Silver: Team Beer, 1 gold medal, 2 silver medals, 2 bronze medals = 9 points)

All-Around Team Bronze: Team Football (1 gold medal, 1 silver medal, 3 bronze medals = 8 points) and Team Franzen (1 gold medal, 2 silver medals, 1 bronze medal = 8 points)

Congratulations to the competitors, and God bless America.

Senior Editor, Jezebel

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