Producer & Editor: Phoebe Bradford, Associate Producer: Zoe Stahl, Illustration by Chelsea Beck/GMG

“I really like to fuck,” said Team Wings’s Julianne Escobedo Shepherd.

Friday’s competition was the inaugural Best “Why I Get Along Better With Guys” Monologue challenge. You know what we’re talking about because you’ve undoubtedly heard the monologue before—at summer camp maybe, when that cool girl in your bunk was letting you know why she ditched you at the bonfire. Or maybe in high school, when you saw a movie character do this and then you repeated it to your horrified best friend... I don’t know your life!

In this competition, our Olympians were judged for: ability to hit standard elements of this cliché speech (girls are too dramatic, sports, beer, general chillness), delivery, and uniqueness of angle.

Escobedo Shepherd was the only competitor of the four to invoke fucking, which was a definite plus. She also mentioned specific hobbies that solidified her as a Cool Girl in a snowboarding-adjacent community.

“We can talk about rap music, we can talk about sports like skateboarding and snowboarding. We like to talk about tequila,” Escobedo Shepherd said. “Dudes around me will be like, hell yeah, Julianne, you’re like cool as hell. And I’ll be like, you know, I’m just living my life.”

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Team Beer’s Kelly Stout performed a classic monologue, hitting the drama, life’s too short, and chilling beats hard. She received extra points for complete devotion to delivery.

“Girls are kind of just a lot of drama, and I guess I feel like life is too short?” she said. “I guess I just like like that guys tell you what they’re thinking... I’ve always been more interested in watching sports and hanging with my friends than, like, makeup and fashion?”

“I’m just not that interested in drama. I don’t know. I guess that makes me weird.” But you know she doesn’t think it makes her weird.

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Team Franzen presented a monologue written by Miami-based Stassa Edwards, but performed by New York-based Megan Reynolds. It contained a wonderful breadth of Florida sports specifics which contribute to believability, including a reference to Dan Marino (whomst?).

“When a guy’s being a jerk you can just punch him on the arm, make a joke about how Tom Brady totally sucks, and it’s over,” Reynolds/Edwards said.

And finally, Team Football’s Madeleine Davies had a unique approach to the challenge. Namely, that of a sociopath.

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“My friend Lauren’s dad died and I guess I was not as emotionally available as she needed me to be,” Davies said. “She just like wanted to talk with me so much about my reaction to her dad dying. But her older brother Andy, I walked in on him crying one time, and all he said was, ‘Do you need something?’ And that was all I had been wanting the whole time because I did need some things, and I did them.”

Truly monstrous, all of them.

Podium:

Gold medal: Madeleine Davies, Team Football and Julianne Escobedo Shepherd, Team Wings

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Silver medal: Kelly Stout, Team Beer, Megan Reynolds/Stassa Edwards, Team Franzen

Current Standings:

Team Wings: 3 gold medals

Team Football: 1 gold medal, 1 silver medal, 1 bronze medal

Team Beer: 2 silver medal, 1 bronze medal

Team Franzen: 1 silver medal